


SSV Normandy

by WeAreTheWolves



Series: Outer Space [1]
Category: Clexa -fandom, Mass Effect Trilogy, The 100 (TV)
Genre: Adventures, Alliance, Angst, Danger, Devotion, Emotions, F/F, Fluff, Insecurities, Intrigue, Mass Effect and The 100 collide, Military, Strenght, Tough choices, Trust, battles, disobedient crew, galaxy, past that matters, problems on deck, real love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2019-07-18 22:45:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 61,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16128308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeAreTheWolves/pseuds/WeAreTheWolves
Summary: Clarke Griffin is straight outta Systems Alliance Academy, with quite high rank that she deserved. She takes her assignation to a space ship that she would be serving on for the next several years. She is quite terrified when it turns out that she would serve under command of Commander Shepard, a bloody marine's icon. She had dark past that everyone has just scratched, nobody knows more about her. Even her name is a mystery. Clarke is scared of her future, she wanted to serve aboard a ship where she would feel good, appreciated and, at least, wanted, and she just landed there, on the Normandy, trying to solve all the mysteries that her life threw to her. All she could do is hope that maybe fate would be more pleasant than commander Shepard during their first conversation.





	1. SSV Normandy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zephirian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zephirian/gifts).



> I would post once a month. I hope that you'll like the work and that you'll stay until the end of the journey.

The end of officers’ school had not been such an exciting event as she expected, probably because she didn’t really like the people who lacked ambitions and had been there just to keep their parents’ mouths shut and she didn’t like the people who had been overambitious nationalistic bastards and wanted to sort the world in their order. When she had been released from this establishment she felt relieved, even though she didn’t have any idea what was waiting for her after. Theoretically she was good, theoretically she had her own assignment, but she didn’t even know for whom she was destined. The admiral who was leading her group wasn’t really talkative. She had received two letters and that was it. First one was from Alliance which was supposed to take care of her and the second one was for her captain–to–be, the person in charge on SSV Normandy.

First place, where she was destined was Systems Alliance where she got to know admiral Anderson. He seemed to be friendly and he, indeed, was. He read the letter that she handed him and, after that, he said that she would have hard times. However he offered her tour around the docks and showing her straight to place where Normandy docked. She had no contraindications.

Clarke saw him when she stood on the bridge. When the pressure door revealed the entrance, she saw a man. And that was what she was thinking at first sight, because when she looked more carefully. The man appeared to be woman — tall, in cargo pants , heavy boots and long–sleeved black shirt. She had sides of her head shaved, a lot of dark hair tied in folded pony tail and she had a lot of earrings. From that far where she was standing, Clarke couldn’t see her facial expression, but this situation didn’t last long.

“Captain”. Clarke heard. She was fondly confused when she realized that these words were destined to this young woman from the bridge. She approached with fast, firm march. _She’s very confident_ Clarke thought when captain shook hands with admiral Anderson.

“Admiral.” Her voice was quite low, sharp and it sounded like she was smoking a lot of cigarettes. Her intonation was implying that she wasn’t a person who one would happily invite on Christmas Party. Clarke looked at her to see something more that before. Oval–shaped face gave her stern look, scar from right eyebrow via nose to her left mouth corner made her look like she was willing to kick ass of everyone who even dare to go against her and her serious glance of her dark eyes made Clarke think that she was drilling her. Like she was scanning her right then. That wasn’t last long, because she moved her glance at admiral. “So, now there’s no learning about how unprofessional staring is?”

Clarke blushed immediately and she fixed her eyes on the floor.

“Be merciful, captain, she’s you new crew member.” Admiral smiled and Clarke shyly raised her gaze “Shepard, that’s Petty Officer Third Class Griffin, your newie on board. Griffin, commander Shepard, your new leader.” He leaned towards Clarke and he said a little bit quieter: “Don’t mind it, Shepard is… specific, but her hands are certainly the best ones in entire galaxy to be in.”

Clarke had heard a lot of opinions and gossips about several commanders, but now? She had never thought that she would be destined to serve with someone whose fame wasn’t really the pleasant one. Histories about commander Shepard, legends around her silhouette were unbelievable and… it’s enough to say: horrifying. They were saying that in the name of victory she sent half of her squad to death. Clarke didn’t want to believe it, it was impossible, that was what she thought. And… she met her in person and she thought that maybe some of that was true. Harris said her only that Shepard is very aloof and harsh, but fair. She didn’t tolerate any form of insubordination, but she was capable of hearing good arguments. Griffin didn’t really know if she should be either scared or hopeful. She didn’t know if she should just trust the decision and observe what would happen on the ship and with her new captain. She had no idea if she should trust the gossip about Shepard or not.

She decided to keep her head cold and Shepard’s voice grounded her from thoughts.

“Maybe it’s time to show the youth where she would be wasting the rest of her life.”

Clarke glanced firstly at Shepard and then at admiral Anderson, but she didn’t say a word.

“Soldier, I leave you here, in good place.” He said, saluting. “Be good.”

“Yes, sir!” Clarke saluted too. There was nothing left to do except for observing leaving admiral and she thought that this was the only one friendly person in this place.

“Come on.” She heard Shepard’s harsh voice. „Normandy won’t wait.”

Griffin had no other choice. She followed her new commander and in her head she had only one thought: “Friendship? I can forget it right now.”

*

Clarke had strange impression that spending a lot of time with Shepard could ricochet negatively on her psychic. However she tried not to be too hard on her new captain, because she understood that in this specific job she had to have all her emotion and feelings tied and cut off. Griffin was sitting on one of the armchairs for crew, she was observing her commander studying data for their next mission. There was nothing really to see in the only one light which was blinking from the screen. The shadows on her face made her scar even deeper than it really was and her face itself more stern that it was.  _I wonder what she likes doing during her free time._ Clarke thought.  _And if it’s anything apart from killing._

“Griffin, is there something you’re interested in?” she heard suddenly and she shivered. Shepard was looking at her, turning her back to the computer's screen.

“I… no… I mean… no, commander.” She stuttered, standing up immediately. She didn’t want Shepard to think that she wasn’t respecting her.

“Come here.” She turned to the keyboard again. Her fingers danced on it, clicking a melody only known by her. “Why Alliance, Griffin?”

“I don’t know. I Just wanted to be useful. In school I was doing good and I wanted to piss my parents off. They wanted me to work in a lab and I didn’t want to.” She stated, glancing at her commander. She didn’t seem to be honestly interested in what Clarke was saying, but, in the other hand, Clarke had not got any reason to think that she was asking to just kill time. Shepard was busy and she, indeed, had a lot of work.

“You think that army is the best place for somebody to pissing off her parents?” she asked, raising her eyebrows and closing the program in which she was typing. In the room descended darkness and Clarke felt hotness of the air. Or that was just her. “You have to be careful, Griffin. I don’t have the habit to go easy on anyone. I care about my crew and they are supposed to be loyal and to do my orders exactly as they are said, understood?”

“Y-yes, commander.”

“Good. Briefing is tomorrow at nine sharp. At ease, Petty Officer Third Class.”

“Commander.”

Clarke started to leave, but she realized that she didn’t really know where she was supposed to go. However, before she even thought about anything, she heard from behind her back:

“Crew quarters are on lower deck, you remember?”

When Clarke turned around to thank, Shepard was gone.

She passed through main corridor and to the stairs on lower level and she entered the room with beds for crew. She hoped that her new crewmembers’ attitude wouldn’t be the same as her commander.

“You’re Griffin, right? Octavia Blake. I am so glad that they finally accepted someone new on deck.”

“What do you mean?” Clarke asked, didn’t really knowing what was going on. The crewmembers welcomed her really warmly and she was pleased. She was surprised, because she expected that they would be more like the captain, that they would ignore her.

— Commander Shepard is really selective when it comes to choose her crew. She completed us and after that she had not chosen anyone who didn’t seem to be outstanding. Unfortunately, she thought that outstanding people don’t exist and everybody who could be here with us, was just sent away.

“So, is she frea…”

“Shhh.” Octavia covered Clarke’ mouth with her hand.”Walls have ears. You better not talk like this, commander is really okay.”

“You’re kidding?” one man, who introduced himself as Collins, spoke. “She’s a tyrant. We can’t even fart without her order. We are supposed to work perfectly and she has to have everything under control.”

“You’re exaggerating.” Tall, well–built woman recapitulated. She was lying on her bed, face covered with _The Gospel of Loki_ ’s cover. She lowered the book and she glanced with disgust at her, let’s say, friend. “Shepard is specific, she has tough character, indeed and she is not really the person who likes company, but she’s the one who cares about her crew a lot. We’re okay. We can’t even say if The Council did something new or not, we just don’t need to care.”

Collins decided to remain silent and Clarke was surprised. She was used to the fact that her interlocutors usually were willing to fight for their words, but maybe this one wasn’t like that. Maybe he was thinking what he was thinking and he didn’t care about the others. Clarke wasn’t totally convinced if she liked him or not.

“Yeah, I would certainly care about my crew if I had a past like her.” Snorted other man, Roan. Clarke didn’t know if that was his name, surname or a nickname. She didn’t really care as long as everybody was calling him that way.

“So, about that… what’s the matter? I was hearing shattered gossips and histories, but… there wasn’t one, official version.” Clarke said, looking at her companions’ faces. She was waiting for a while before one of them, Oriana, decided to speak.

“We know nothing more, to be honest. We know that before commander Shepard was destined to Spectres she was serving in other affiliation, in the Alliance. One day her crew had mission on this planet called Torfan, but I don’t know what that was exactly about. It was hell of a fight and it ended with all of Shepard’s crew dead. Her orders leaded them to death and she was the one that survived. If I was her… I would want to die then, not live when everyone’s eyes were and still are on me. They say that she has no regrets, neither of what happened, nor of her decisions. She had heart of stone, but I don’t fear being in her crew. The truth is, she is caring about us much more, because The Council is still observing her. It’s quite strange that she is such a high ranked soldier. If it would be my decision, I would discharge her after Torfan rather that promote. But I am not a member of The Council and I am a member of her crew, so I am supposed to be loyal. And I am.

„And… it was really like that?” Clarke couldn’t believe that the information that she had just obtained were true. “But it’s… impossible! How the hell…?”

„Nobody knows. It just happened and that’s all. She got promotion and The Council seems to like her, in some cases, so maybe she bribed them.” Roan shrugged.

“You don’t really like her…” Clarke more stated than asked. Octavia sighed while looking at her. She stood up and she walked slowly through the room, turning her back to her interlocutors.

“It’s hard to like someone who can send you to death at any time. And you will have no choice but go.”

Griffin had impression that in Blakes' voice there were a note of bitterness, but something strange told her that this bitterness didn’t came from the fact that she could die because of an order. It was rather caused because she was seeing that her captain didn’t obtain enough respect as she should from the rest of the crew. Clarke agreed with that: they were Shepard’s crew members, they should be respecting her, not gossiping about her. It was… just inappropriate. However, Griffin didn’t say a word in her commander’s defense. She knew that, as a new member of the crew, she didn’t exactly knew what was true and what was just a lie. In that atmosphere they went to their beds and nobody said anything else. Clarke fell asleep almost immediately and she was only hoping that death herself didn’t knock to her too soon.

 


	2. First Fire

In the third day of Clarke’ service on Normandy the pilot, Joker, a sympathetic, very competent and smart guy, gave the message which spread through the audio on whole ship.

“Commander, The Council opened communication channel. They want to speak with you.”

“Patch it through.” Sound that was released from Shepard’s throat was harsh and Clarke thought that it was similar with branches breaking. Commander wasn’t happy because of the fact that The Council itself wanted something from her. She wouldn’t be able to refuse them so easily. She stood in the middle of the empty space in front of the communication screen, observed carefully by Clarke who was watching her from behind the corner and she was waiting for emittance.

After a while on the screen popped the silhouette of tall, sand-skinned Salarian who resembled a huge lizard. The leader of The Council was standing next to him, he was representative of Turian race; a tall man in a suit. His eyes were glowing with clobbered yellow and his bony face was covered with tattoos. Shepard didn’t say a word and Clarke thought that was weird, because she was subordinate to them directly. She wasn’t above the law, but there was a few people who could actually threaten her tactical decisions. Even though, she should have said something…?

„Shepard, we have a mission for you.” Turian said point–blank. “We heard disturbing messages that in Elkos Technical Laboratories someone is leading some unregistered research."

Clarke saw Shepard sighing. All of her body seemed to follow state of her mind; arms crossed on chest, her weight set on one leg. Her eyes, illuminated by the screen light were coruscating with impatience.

“With all due respect, counsellor Tevos, but does unregistered research is a task for assault group?” she asked the only one woman among her interlocutors, as if she totally ignored the rest of them. The woman was tall, blue and she was representative of Asari race, her face was all covered with white tattoos. Shepard pointed casually the whole wall behind her which was full of the best weapons that Clarke could have imagined. However, she still tried not to be spotted from where she was.

“We wouldn’t even think that way unless we see no risk in this actions.” Tevos stated. “So we do ask you, commander Shepard, to check that. Over and out.”

The emittance had been interrupted. Clarke was observing how Shepard’s facial expression was changing. Firstly she was a little bit confused, then she was disgusted and at the end all of that transferred to anger. Young woman tried to back off, but she didn’t make it.

“Something wrong, Griffin?” she asked, not even looking at her. Clarke blushed, didn’t really understand how commander was able to see her. However she abandoned her cranny and she approached, standing next to Shepard. Now she was able to study her skipper's face better, but there was nothing left to do so. If before Shepard was pissed off and in her anger there was a slight sign of anxiety, now she had perfect poker face. Clarke glanced at every detail of her mimics, before she even realized that she was supposed to give an answer. She was so fascinated by Shepard’s lack of emotions that she forgot. “Griffin?”

She raised her sight which she lowered a few moments ago.

“Everything’s all right, commander?” she asked, trying to sound indifferent, but she wasn’t convinced if such a question for her skipper wasn’t too abrupted.

“Yes, of course it is. There’s nothing to worry about, Petty Officer TC.”

“Yes, commander.” Clarke couldn’t do anything but salute and leave. But she was able to do only the first one of these actions when Shepard spoke.

“Griffin, are you good with weapon usage?”

“Indeed, commander.” She stated, maybe a little bit immodestly, but she was sure that some dose of confidence wouldn’t do any harm. She glanced at her skipper without understanding. “I was one among the best ones.”

“Good. You can be ace up our sleeve. Dismissed.”

Clarke saluted once again and she left as her commander ordered. She was wondering why Shepard glanced at her with a gaze that had a minimal amount of anxiety in it.

*

“We’re approaching Xenon, crew drop in six minutes. Everybody to the shuttle in cargo bay.” Shepard said several minutes later when all her crew gathered up. Collins didn’t seem to be very happy about that, Octavia and Oriana didn’t really know what was going on and Clarke was following every Shepard’s move and she couldn’t even hide it.

When everybody gathered inside Mako rover, waiting for a sign of drop procedure start (which was supposed to come from Joker), Shepard spoke again during dealing the weapons. Clarke had an assault rifle, M-96 Mattock Heavy Rifle, one of more powerful that she heard of in school.

“If The Council asks… or rather forces us to investigate this case it means that it’s not fully safe. Every one of you had a weapon, but I recommend you to use it carefully. We don’t want casualties among the civilians, you hear me? If possible, we don’t want ANY casualties at all.”

“What’s the plan?” Octavia asked with a happy voice and everyone glanced at her. Her attitude was far away from being suitable for the situation they were going to meet. She was looking at her skipper nearly with amazement.

“We separate on two teams. Lawson, Collins and Roan would cover, Blake and Griffin would go on foray. We’re going in the lab, we’re looking for people responsible for the research. We’re talking to them, and, at the end, we’re taking them with us if Council’s suspicions would confirm. If not, we’re politely backing off and we’re making a report. Questions?”

„What do you need so much people for?” Collins asked skeptically. “It’s just a foray.”

„So you’re staying as the backup.” Shepard stated barely thinking about it. “Will you take responsibility for what could happen?”

“Not a problem.” He shrugged. „I don’t think…”

“All you gotta do is take orders, Collins.” Shepard interrupted him. “Did you really think that I would allow you to make decisions?”

“No, commander.” He drawled.

Conversation stopped at this point, but Clarke was still observing Collins. If he was destined to this ship, he must have meant something. But… why wouldn’t he want to show at least some respect?

“Great.” Shepard stated. „Because that’s my thing.”

And Joker gave them a sign.

*

Clarke had an opportunity to observe commander Shepard leading small landing unit. Collins’ team was ordered to stay a little behind them, just in case, and her team headed the lab complex. Women went up huge earthwork and they hit the door of establishment built on it. Shepard glanced at the building standing not even one hundred meters ahead of her people.

“If I’m allowed to ask… what is going on between you and Collins, commander?” Octavia asked, glancing at her skipper who was now crouched behind one of the rocks that was lying on the ground. She was checking the tactical situation. Clarke glimpsed at Shepard, considering the level of friendship between these two women.

“He doesn’t like my manner of leading the crew.” She stated indifferently, putting on her helmet’s safety systems and activating her armor’s shields. Her companions did the same thing. “But he wouldn’t discuss me on that matter, because that’s not what he’s here for. And his rank is a little bit too low.”

„So what’s he here for?” Clarke couldn’t stop her surprise and curiosity and she obtained quick and not really pleasant answer from her skipper.

“They gave him to me, so I didn’t discuss.” She snapped. She had not had any right to say anything back then. “We have mission to complete, not a coffee to drink. Come on.”

They continued walking and observing the environement. They made their way to the door without any problems and they stood in front of entering console. Shepard pressed her SA passing card and the door opened, letting them in.

Blake was carrying her pistol, Griffin assault rifle and Shepard had her shotgun with very big field of fire. Clarke remembered that she want to ask her skipper why the shotgun. They weren’t really handy, they were useful only on short distances.

They went deeper to the laboratory, took natural positions, not to suggest anyone that they were willing to kill everybody that would get in their way. Shepard was leading, trying to find some people in this place.

“This place is so empty…” Octavia mumbled, saying the thing that was obvious. “Isn’t lab supposed to be… you know… crowdy?”

„Yeah, it is.” Shepard stated, thoughtful. She wasn’t looking at her crewmember. “Something stinks here.”

Clarke didn’t say a word, because she didn’t want to discredit herself.

All three of them unwittingly strongly held their weapon. They were preparing for inevitable fight with someone or something and there wasn’t anything that could possibly surprise them.

They passed through the first room, remaining silent. They didn’t want to risk missing something important that could be around. They were looking at every place, every corner and they made their way to the door. Shepard stopped for a while, reaching her hand with passing Fleet card to the console.

“Ready?” she asked, not looking at her comrades, focusing on the door instead. With her other hand, without any problem, she was holding the shotgun and she didn’t even moved the barrel. Clarke was awed that none of Shepard’s muscles even jittered.

“More than ever.” Octavia and Clarke said simultaneously, and the first one said that without excitation. But what was worth noticing was Shepard’s indifference.

„Don’t be too excited.” She said, but in her voice there wasn’t any sign of disapproval. She was aware that it was Griffin’s first official action as a marine unleashed from the academy, so there were emotions involved. There was nostalgia in her head when she reminded herself that she had been like that too, some time ago. She kept her poker face, because she was experienced and she was on mission. If she was up to thinking about old times, she would do it on Normandy, back in her deck. Not in that moment.

“I’m sorry, commander.” Clarke stated and Shepard just nodded to give her a sign that she understood and didn’t blame her new recruit for her vigor. She was concerned about one thing, though. If it came to danger, would Griffin cope with it? On the other hand she was the one who Shepard had chosen, she had very good dossier. And she was a woman. Competent woman and this gender were thinking better in emergencies than the other one. And they had very concrete tactical ideas, against all that society was used to think.

Shepard opened the door and she ran into the room immediately. She caught her shotgun with her other hand for better stability and she hit something that was crawling out of a giant hole on the ground. Clarke and Octavia were standing still, not really knowing what was going on.

“Open fire, they’re gonna eat you alive!” Shepard shouted, she disbanded and in the moment when the monster hit the ground with its front limbs (perfectly in the place where Shepard was standing two seconds earlier), she slid through the floor under its stomach.

Clarke started firing series between monster’s antennas which were growing in clumps on its head, whatever that “it” was. Octavia moved a little and she also started firing. Monster started tossing. Its sharp limbs were smashing everything that got in their way and from the hole on the ground crawled a tone of minor copies of this shit.

“Collins! Damnit, Collins, do you copy?! We need backup!” Shepard shouted into her microphone, but she didn’t hear the answer. There was static apart from some clashes that were saying that their communications has been ruptured. She swore, dodging from armored monster’s tail. She fired several times and the bullets highly decreased monster’s health level, but she didn’t kill it. Griffin and Blake were still firing, still changing the aim on monster’s body, looking for his weak points. They were forced to move their barrels on the little ones eventually, because there were too many of them. “Keep shooting, I’ll try to find the nest!” she shouted. Both of her companions were surprised and they started thinking that they had mishear something. They looked at her skipper, but before they were able to protest, Shepard rolled under monster’s stomach, firing twice during the run and then she jumped right into the hole in the floor. New insectoids were still crawling out of it.

“What the fuck is that!” Octavia cried out with disgust, shooting out heads of three or four insectoids at the time.

“I don’t know and I don’t want to as long as they don’t touch me.” Clarke stated, firing through the room and killing more than five of them.

In the meantime, Shepard was trying to find the nest, walking through the sea of these abominations. She was shooting with blasts, they were disintegrating to minor molecules, so the hits were more powerful and it was allowing her to get rid of waves of the monsters so she was able to walk at all. She was nearly running, she was concerned if she was going the right way. She was still hearing voices and screams of her crewmembers, but she was hoping that they would be okay. She tried to connect again with Normandy or Collins’ team, but that was hopeless. Shepard was on her own. She was supposed to do it well, because she couldn’t lose any people from her crew. After Torfan it was possible that such a loss would cause more than depression. And what she would say to their families?

She took mini bomb from container in her armor. It was small, not larger than a dice, but it could blast an average–sized cosmic station. Explosion range wasn’t pleasant for anyone to be in.

She shot two more groups of the insectoids and she had finally saw from where they were crawling out. There was no connection, she couldn’t tell the others to run away. And she couldn’t allow this shit to spread. It was just a matter of time if her team would back off that these abominations would crawl out of this base and feast nearest areas. Decision was made in less than a minute. She pulled out the wire blocking the stat of counting and she threw this cube to the hole crawling of these insectoids. And she started running.

She changed her shotgun to assault rifle, very similar to this one that Griffin was using and she started to made her way out. If she remembered correctly, she had not more than three minutes for getting the hell out of there, ran for at least two hundred meters and to take cover. To be honest she just convicted everyone to death or, at least, on serious injuries.

She hit the hole and she saw only the darkness. The problem was that Clarke and Octavia shot the mother, but she died where she was standing, blocking the exit for Shepard.

“RETREAT!” she shouted as loud as she could. She hoped that her team would hear her. “ESCAPE THE LAB! THAT’S AN ORDER!”  
She didn’t know if that worked, but she had to believe it was. She took the knife out of the container on her inner side of armor sleeve and she knew that there was nothing left to do.

Clarke and Octavia, when they heard the scream of their commander, didn’t exactly know what they were supposed to do. Run away or try to help her? Problem appeared in the moment when Shepard screamed about the order. And after that — that there wasn’t much time left to explosion.

“If I know that you stayed, AND I WOULD, I will kill you!” she shouted once again and then her team decided to escape. Clarke wasn’t fully convinced, neither was Octavia, but they knew that Shepard would execute her threats. And they both vowed that they would take orders as they were, without hesitation.

“But…” Clarke tried to protest, but Octavia shook her head, pulling her to the exit, holding her arm too tight for younger one to change the direction of run. She was helpless, she had to run away, so she did it. They made their way out of building and they started running as fast as they could to be as far as they could.

Shepard didn’t waste her time. She started driving through the monster’s huge body with her knife. She wanted to make it out, even if she would be still in the complex when it all blew out, she didn’t want to be trapped with all this monsters. She was lacerating huge parts of meat, she was feeling wet waterfall of blood and intestines, but she didn’t give up. Finally she hit the bones. She didn’t knew how tough the skeleton was, but if she had to break her own arms to break its bones, she would do it.

“You think that commander…?” Clarke panted, still running. They were about one hundred meters away from the labs. Territory was mountainy and it wasn’t the easiest to run through.

“I have no idea, but I suppose we already can’t count on anything.” Octavia had nervousness in her voice. She was sorry and Clarke heard that. _That’s cute._ Griffin thought. _She’s probably the one among the old crew who actually likes Shepard_. They both stopped, hardly breathing.

“You think that…”

“I have no fucking clue. Did you try to contact…?”

“Nobody’s answering.” Clarke shook her head. Moment after she straightened her back. “Joker? Joker, can you hear me? We lost commander Shepard, Joker, do you copy?”

„…problems.” She heard a weak message from the ship. “…Collins… they need…”

“Something’s wrong with the rest?” Octavia didn’t seem to be surprised, but Clarke could be wrong. “Fuck, everything has to…”

„GET DOWN!” Something caught necks of both of them and tripped them. With its weight it pinned Octavia and Clarke to the ground, faces down. They felt it pressing their heads down and a moment later there was a rain of scrap metals and rock parts. They felt painful hits of thousands rocks, but there was one more sound that they had heard from above them: a loud groan. When the last piece of rock felt, they freed themselves immediately and they saw something that nearly caused heart attack to both of them.

Commander Shepard somehow made it out of the building. She knocked them down, when they were bound to run away again. She pressed them down with her own body, covering their heads. She covered hers with her arms, taking most of hits on her. There were a lot of grazes on her armor and helmet, so what happened was even more dangerous that they thought it will be. She was all covered in blood, but neither Clarke, not Octavia was able to say if she was injured or if it was something else’s blood.

“Joker, come down!” Clarke shouted. She knew that communication was bounded, but she hoped that their pilot would hear anything. One word, then second word, he wasn’t an idiot, he knew how to fly and how to think.

“I’ve got the others.” She heard through her earphone. “I will be there in a minute.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the beginning of the journey that I promised you. I hope that you'll like it. Thanks for the kudos that you've already left, I hope that I won't disappoint you with this world.
> 
> I hope we'll se November the 1st!


	3. Collins

“You saw it yourself, she didn’t even care!” Collins didn’t seem like someone who was willing to let go.

“There was no communication, how many times have I to repeat it?” Octavia wouldn’t let go either. “You can’t blame her for all that’s not working, that’s not her fault.”

“No? Joker, how miraculous, flew. He took us first, then you. Don’t you think that’s interesting? She set the explosives and then told you to run, not even asking you if it’s good idea.”

“Are you out of your mind?” Oriana groaned, looking at him with pity. “Comms were out, HOW was she supposed to ask about anything? Anyway, don’t you think that’s out of your duty? Shepard is the commander and she knows what she’s doing and it’s her who give us orders, so you can’t require from her that she would be listening to the voice of the crew if there’s no time.”

“She deprived herself of it! Fuck, you’re always standing behind her.” Collins’s facial expression was suggesting nearly pure hatred. “Can’t you see that she hasn’t got any brakes? She doesn’t give a single fuck about what will happen to us. Technically we’re the crew, but…”

“Collins, that’s enough.” Octavia glanced at him unbelievingly and with disgust on her face. “You’re starting to be pathetic.”

“The only thing that is pathetic here is your solidarity of ovaries.” He snapped. Clarke who was sitting on her bed, couldn’t resist. She stood up and left the room with surprised glances of her crewmates following her.

She didn’t think that Shepard did something wrong. She took hard decision and she was aware of the consequences. She ordered them to run away, totally knowing what possibly would happen if they couldn’t make it. But she believed in them, Clarke was sure. And that was the reason that Clarke didn’t want to hear this fuckery that Collins was doing. He was just crazy.

She left the upper deck and she presumed that she didn’t really know how things are going on this ship. She should talk to someone from the crew, but out of the parties that were for missions. With someone who is always onboard. She decided to visit Kenneth Donnelly, main engineer, nicknamed as Heros. He was safely sitting in the engineering room in lower deck and he was observing and maintaining the engines. She went then to the lower deck and she opened the engineering room’s door with her crewmember card, safely hidden in the pocket in her sleeve. Everybody was using this pocket for that card, because that was just making the life on Normandy easier.  
“Oh, hey, can I help you?” Heros asked immediately when he saw her. He was a little bit surprised that somebody actually visited him, because he usually didn’t have any guests. Majority of the crew thought that engineering room is boring and there was nothing to do. And, because of that, this man, despite the fact that he was really sympathetic, was lonely.

“I came here to talk. Do you know the crew a little or are you completely out of everything here?” she glanced at him nearly with compassion, because she could guess what the answer would be.

“That’s rare that anybody’s here.” He sighed. “People didn’t see anything interesting in coming here. And I’m out of here quite rarely, only to the toilet, for sleep or for a meal. This is my place and the engines need me here.”

“Don’t you have someone to take another shift?”

“Aye, I have, but I’d rather spend my time alone than with them.”

“Why?” she was surprised. Heros didn’t seem like a person who doesn’t like people.

“To be honest? Collins is making atmosphere tough and hard to take. I don’t like being around him and he’s usually around the crew, so I chose lonely atmosphere in engineering room, because I respect Shepard. What’s a pity that sometimes I have an impression that I am in the minority among the crew.”

“Do you know anything about her?” Clarke’s eyes shone with hope, when she was thinking that maybe she met someone who would be able to finally tell her about their skipper. And that this could be a little more than just unstable rumors from the past.

“Not more than the others.” He shrugged. “Nobody knows anything about her. To be honest, I don’t know how’s that possible, because it’s quite logical that hiding the past isn’t working. Not when you’re marine, to be specific, so high–ranked marine. There are people who knows everything about her. And about Shepard herself… I’m working with her from the very beginning, she’s really great person, despite what people are talking she really cares about her crew. She’s the one visiting me the most often, because she’s also, like me, not really into meetings with the others. I admit that it’s quite strange, but that’s not my thing and I’m okay with this. I have, at least, someone I can talk to.”

“Is she visiting you often?” she asked and Heros thought for a while.

“Quite.” He smiled a little. „As you can probably see, she’s characteristic, so she’s not the one to come here with a mug of tea, but I can always count on some good word. Sometimes I have an impression that she’s visiting me just to make sure that not the whole crew doesn’t like her.”

“Now there’s more of us.” Clarke nodded. “She really doesn’t talk about herself?”

“No, she rather comes here to listen.” Heros nodded and he sighed hardly. “This woman is one big mystery. Nobody knows what’s really her name, so you understand.”

Cere’s became upset. She didn’t have big reasons to be content. If what engineer was saying was true then Shepard became even more interesting person than Griffin could tell. Seeming to be _persona non grata_ on her own spaceship, commander who, as Heros said (and as Clarke guessed) tried to care about her crew, could possibly hide secrets a lot darker than it appeared.

“And nobody knows what exactly happened on Torfan?” she tried once more, because she couldn’t believe that her skipper is such a mystery.

Heros shook his head with resignation, glancing at the screen with engines stats.

“Nobody. Commander is the person who is obsessively caring about her privacy.”

“But this mission wasn’t private. These were public orders.” Clarke stated.

“You know what? After what happened on Torfan the Council wanted to screw up Shepard. They gave her a bunch of the worst recruits as they saw them. Joker is nearly blind, Ori is very, very clumsy, Octavia has ADHD and her joyous talking pissed off everyone on this ship. Roan is extremely anti–social and this is not the best trait for the soldier. And Collins. He has problems with himself, he’s too irritable, daring and what pisses him the most is that he has a women as a skipper.

“What?” It was hard to say which one among the interlocutors was more surprised; Clarke because what Heros said or Heros because of Clarke’ reaction. “You want to tell me that Collins is a chauvinist?”

Engineer sighed.

“I don’t know who is he, because I don’t talk to him. And he is more like despising me because he thinks that I am not really needed here. At least that’s what I can read between the lines when he is talking. And about Shepard… well, she never talks neither about Torfan, nor about her, but I have an impression that she should talk to someone sometimes. To whoever.”

“I don’t understand how it’s possible that nobody knows about anything.”

Heros sighed once again.

“Eh, you don’t even know what people who really want, can do with the Council. Especially when they have enough money for reaching that goal.”

“And it’s quite possible that I don’t want to know.” Clarke though for a while, when suddenly they heard a scream from above. She furrowed her eyebrows and she glanced at her interlocutor, but he shrugged and his facial expression was telling her that it was not the first and not the last time that situation like this took place on Normandy.

“I think that’s some argument again. Maybe because of the last action. Go look. Or maybe…” Collins was shouting, but they weren’t able to understand his words. “No, that’s an argument. Go there. Shepard usually is calm and that’s really worth seeing.”

“Seriously?”

“Sure. Collins with his personality and attitude is not great part for soldier. And, of course, it’s obvious that he won’t tolerate anyone who is a woman outranking him. It’s funny men’s belief that he’s the man and he should be in charge. That’s hilarious.” Heros tried to make a parody of Collins’s voice and Clarke had to admit that he did it perfectly: “Especially when this woman is not interested in his manliness.”

Griffin couldn’t hide her surprise.

“Shepard is a lesbian?”

“I don’t know.” He sighed. „I don’t think so. Maybe Collins is interested in her and it’s pissing him off, but I have never observed that she was interested in anybody, either on Normandy or not. They can say everything about her, but she’s too conscientious and aloof to show things to everyone. Let’s be honest: we don’t know what was happening on public mission on Torfan, we don’t know what’s her name and we are supposed to know who she wants to find in her sheets? Don’t be foolish.”

“That’s making sense.” Clarke stated, nodding. She started to think about another thing: was that true that Collins could have something against the fact that Shepard isn’t interested in him… and that would make all that frustration… that was sexual tension?

She didn’t comment that, she said good bye and thanked for the conversation, promised that she would visit him again and then she ran to middle deck.

*

Shepard saw Griffin when she entered the deck. Without hesitation she presumed that her crewmember was with Heros, but Shepard was wondering what he had said to Clarke. But maybe it wasn’t so bad and it wouldn’t turn out that this little dummy knew about her a lot more than she would actually want. On the other hand, she had to admit that her Petty Officer was doing really great on their last mission. And, also, in her face was something that was taking the glances. She was young yet she was full of some sort of adult energy, making commander hesitate about what to think about Griffin as women, not as soldier. But she knew that she herself chose this soldier from all the dossiers she had.

But now Shepard was standing in front of one of her crewmembers, this one who wasn’t willing to let go, not even a little so she had to cope with him. Anyway, it wasn’t neither the first, nor the last time. She was used to Collins’s humors even though she wasn’t so sure that she was so willing to tolerate them.

While entering the deck Clarke saw Collins in quite aggressive pose, in front of their commander, with his hand reached, pointing at Shepard with accusation. The whole crew, in the half of circle, was standing behind them, observing what was happening. Griffin glanced at her skipper, catching her glance for a moment, but then she fixed her eyes on her feet and she stood back, almost hiding behind Octavia. Collins didn’t even noticed her.

“And once again, like usual, you’re not even concerned that some of us could die, Shepard!” he shouted, looking at her with fury. Shepard, what was interesting, was standing in relaxed pose, but Clarke noticed that she was aloof. Shepard crossed her arms and she was looking at her interlocutor. “You’ve sent us for certain death!”

“Don’t exaggerate, Collins…” Octavia shyly tried to interrupt. Her usual cheerful attitude was visibly contrasting with the angst that she had in her voice during that moment. “It wasn’t like you’re saying.”

“How so?! Stop to fucking defend her!” he yelled, waving his hands angrily. “We could die… YOU…” he pointed Clarke and Octavia simultaneously. “…could die! And she didn’t even care about it! She just set the bomb and then started fleeing happily.”

“Don’t exaggerate, Collins.” In Shepard’s voice there wasn’t any mercy. “I gave clear order to escape that place. I made sure that they heard me.”

“You made sure? MADE SURE? Firstly you set the bomb and then you started to escape!”

“Calm the fuck down!” Clarke shouted with fury in her voice. She was looking at Collins with loathe that she couldn’t hide. “Commander Shepard gave an order to flee, she didn’t mean to get us all killed!”

“Don’t say a word, you’re the new one on service.” He snapped, turning to Shepard again. “Do you have anything to explain yourself?”

“I don’t have to explain myself to anybody, Collins, especially not to you.” She stated with harsh and sharp voice, looking at him with disappointment. “I’m your skipper, I am the skipper of you all, so I don’t think that it’s necessary to explain that I made that decision, not other. I gave an order to escape.”

“We’re loyal crew, there’s nobody among us that would left you behind.” He stated, sending a venomous look to his skipper, but Shepard snorted. Clarke was surprised at some point, but on the other hand she started to wandering because there wasn’t only Shepard who reacted that way. Oriana covered her mouth, Octavia coughed, even Roan raised his eyebrows.

“You’re last person to say that, Collins.” Shepard stated with pride. “I gave an order to escape and both, Blake and Griffin did it.”

“We could die!” he didn’t want to let go, even though he was repeating himself.

“There was no communication.” Clarke stated with set teeth. She was wondering why Shepard was arguing with such an idiot, but she decided to ask about that later. “Besides, I don’t really get why you’re making so big deal out of it, you weren’t even there.”

“You suggest that we were running through meadows, picking flowers and sunbathing?” he snorted with such a venom in his voice that Clarke wanted to burst int laughter right to his face.

“No.” she crossed her arms. “I suggest that you’re trying to play an attorney, even though the ones who actually can be pissed off the situation with that bomb are either me or Octavia. I am telling you that if it wasn’t for commander’s decision, we would’ve been dead.”

“Oh, really?” he snorted. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Joker picked us up. If it wasn’t for him…”

“If it wasn’t for Griffin he would have never been picking anybody up. She had found the frequency.” Shepard stated with harsh voice, looking at Clarke. She had to admit that her new crewmember’s arguments were quite logical and Collins tried not to answer them and he was doing it without any dignity.  
 _What’s the deal with her?_ She thought. _Why is she trying to defend me? She doesn’t even know me and I’m showing how bad skipper I am._ She knew that she could make better decision, but she was also aware that these things that were crawling in the nest could have been a real danger. Maybe even worse than this bomb she had set.

“And if it’s not for commander Shepard we’ve been dead for sure.” Octavia stated, more certainly this time. She took one step ahead and she nodded to Clarke. “Before, in that lab, and after, she jumped at us and covered us with her own body.

“Oh, really?”

“Oh, really.” Octavia’s voice was full of despise. “But commander is not trying to boast her wounds like you do. If it wasn’t for her it’s more than sure that these fuckers we found in the lab would eat us alive.”

“I won’t let you…” he started, but Shepard interrupted him.

“Enough.” She cut the conversation in one moment. „We’re done, Collins. Crew, you are on this ship, because The Council thought that you’re, maybe apart from Griffin, second category products. It was thinking that you’re for nothing. The truth is, at the beginning I could doubt in your competences. Now I only question yours, Serviceman.”

Collins threw some words under his nose, not letting them be heard by anybody, but he didn’t comment anything that happened. Shepard glanced at him with disgust and then she glanced at her whole crew that had been gathered.

“And there’s something else, Collins. I’m your skipper, captain of this ship and, whether you like it or not, you have to respect me. I’m not recalling us getting this close to tell each other by name, Serviceman.” Collins started mumbling and Clarke was certain that he was spitting the swears addressing them to the commander, but he hadn’t had enough courage to tell it louder. “We’re done here. Dismissed.”

Clarke was the one to stay when others got back to their duties.

“Commander…” she started, but she wasn’t sure if that was a good idea.

“Yes, Petty Officer TC?” Shepard turned around, facing her soldier and she hid her hands behind her back. Clarke noticed that standing in that pose was quite painful for her skipper, but that wasn’t even surprising. Considering the amount of rocks that had hit Shepard and, also, their acceleration because of the explosion, what was more, she was in the first line to shot because of covering two other people… Clarke couldn’t have stand properly. And Shepard was, after all, trying to.

“Everything’s all right?” she asked, noticing that from under Shepard’s T-shirt a strip of tape was peeking, somewhere next to her shoulder.

“Aye, I’m good.” She stated neutrally, carefully observing her interlocutor who was showing dangerous, even unhealthy interest of her. She hoped that it wouldn’t end in unexpected events that none of them would have wanted.

“Can I ask you a question?” Clarke started to wonder if this could lead to anything good, but it was already too late.

“I’m listening.” Shepard’s tone wasn’t so nice this time.

“Why were you arguing with Collins? I mean… why didn’t you dismiss him earlier? He… he wasn’t even where we were.”

 _Crap, I shouldn’t have been asking about that._ She thought immediately after she asked. _Maybe I shouldn’t have been interested…_ and she was right.

“We’re done here, Griffin. Dismissed.” The answer was straight and not even slightly connected to the question Clarke had asked. She sighed.

“Aye, aye, commander.” She saluted, looking at her skipper. She was about to leave when Shepard, turning her back on Clarke, glanced at the wall with the door to her cabin and she said:

“I want to better understand my crew. Even if none of its members is trusting me.”

She didn’t count on any kind of answer. She was sure that Griffin wouldn’t even hear this, but she was certain that she had to get it out of her. She wasn’t sure if staying alone with thoughts like that and bruised armor was great for her.

She was so surprised when it turned out that Petty Officer Third Class Griffin not only heard what she had said, but she even answered.

“I trust you, commander. Good night.”

And when Shepard turned around for glance at her newest crewmember with surprise in her eyes, Clarke was already gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope guys you liked it. I tried to write it well, but it's up to you to say if I succeeded. Give me your feedback, it's really important. :)
> 
> Take care, until next time!


	4. The Citadel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus christ, guys, I am so sorry! These last few days are just balls and I can't tell what I am, forgive me that I forgot posting yesterday!

A few days after that situation Shepard finally succeeded in calming that unpleasant ambience that Collins had caused. All the crew received a call to land on the Citadel. 

Clarke had heard a lot about that place, but she didn’t have any opportunity to actually be there. She was wondering if it was really as huge, majestic and great as stated everyone whom could ever had been there.  
Shepard called for all her crew for a meeting and she looked at them with her sharp gaze as she was used to.

“We’re landing on the Citad in one hour. You’re free to go anywhere, I will not need you today. You can do what you want, of course, keep yourself on track.” She added when she saw Collins’s boisterous facial expression… of course only him thought that. “All I ask you for is to be sober enough to come back on Normandy. I don’t want to be forced to carry anyone of you back here. Me or any of your crewmembers.

Clarke glanced at her, wondering how many information she received actually found place in her mind. She didn’t know if Shepard had believed her that she trusted her, because it was quite visible that she wanted to add something what had something to do with trust issues among the crew. She didn’t know if what she wanted to pass on, was noticed by Shepard. She wasn’t sure if that was enough to show that she was interested in commander in more than just professional way. Too many unexplained things, Griffin wasn’t really comfortable with that, but it was impossible to just go to Shepard and tell her: “Good morning, commander, I’m sorry for my daring, but I have found you attractive since the day we met for the first time. Do you think that it would be possible that something would exist between us?”, because she was sure that the answer she would obtain would be like: “Yeah, E-4 Griffin, thick glass.” And it was that obvious just because Clarke had found talking to Griffin as dancing on very thin ice. So she decided to let it all be and not bother about doing any faux-pas when it would turn out that their skipper was actually never interested in the same sex.

Too much unknown to take the risk and Clarke was aware about that.

So when they docked in Citadel's port, all crew was out and Joker’s voice could be heard, informing that officer Pressly took care of the bridge, she just nodded and she noticed that Octavia wanted something from her. 

Clarke tried to observe Shepard, whom she liked thinking about on evenings, when Collins was complaining about almost everything, Octavia was trying to meditate, Oriana was reading books (she generally liked books more than being a soldier, but when she was taking her orders properly, she wasn’t really to blame), but commander dissolved into thin air. Griffin approached Blake, her, in fact, friend. Among Normandy’s crew there barely were people who trusted each other, but Octavia wasn’t the aloof one and Clarke didn’t really know what she was supposed to think about that attitude.

“What’s up?” she asked, glancing at her companion whose facial expression wasn’t really understandable for Griffin. That situation was rare, it could be said that this kind of situation was never happened, Octavia was the person who could be read like open book.

“I have an idea to follow somebody…” she pointed Collins who was trying to disappear suspiciously fast. “And to investigate what he is actually doing down here, on the Citadel.”

“Maybe he is going to relax? Like we all?” Clarke glanced skeptically at her friend. “Octavia, no offense, but I have an impression that whatever we’re saying about him, he’s rather… harmless. He’s an idiot, a douchebag focused on himself, indeed, but… he’s not an actual idiot. He would not try to do anything that would actually put in danger his warm place on Normandy.”

“His »place on Normandy« had been already put in danger. He is balancing on the edge of being kicked out of our ship.”

“I didn’t notice.” Clarke sighed ironically. “I don’t think that he is trying to do something. Especially not in the moment when he can actually chill away from us. And same here.”

“Every time we’re landing here, he disappears and is back in quite strange condition. You didn’t have a chance to observe him like that, but I have to tell you that I’m a little bit concerned about that. Especially that he’s not the kindest one for all the people he’s working with.”

“So why didn’t you follow him earlier?” Clarke asked, following Octavia, who didn’t want Collins to disappear out of her sight. If Griffin didn’t want to carry on with her, she always could just get lost. Clarke sighed, looking on Citadel's marketplace that they were further and further from with every step they were taking.

“Eh, that’s too complicated. For making a crew on a ship you have to have full crew. Shepard, when she obtained us, had full crew and nothing more. One person for her as a minimum of a shore party, three people for back up, you get it. And now? Now it changed, because we have you. So if one person is out of Normandy…”

„And if, by accident, it would be Collins…” Clarke interrupted her and she nodded. “I get it. Due to Shepard accepting my dossier you can investigate if Collins is up to something and, if he is, report on him and then wait for his extraction, am I right?”

“Absolutely.” Blake nodded, taking a turn, but didn’t approach Collins. “I don’t think I have to explain why everyone want to get rid of him.”

“There’s no need to.” Clarke smiled. “But… do you really think that he’s up to something? Why even this thoughts?”

“I don’t know. When he’s back on the ship, he’s always weird. He’s calm, not very talkative, he’s quiet and he’s not even snapping at us. But I have nothing on him, neither is Shepard, so we have our hands tied.”

“Can’t she kick him out as ship’s captain?” Clarke glanced at her with surprise. Octavia shook her head.  
“Unfortunately, no. She’s the captain, indeed, she’s outranking Collins, indeed, but we have to say something — everybody among us is. Even you, who is much younger than him. But, let’s be honest. Even Shepard, who is a commander, on her best way to be promoted to rear admiral… she has no chances to get rid of him if she would not report him for a really good cause with strong arguments. Of course, he’s obviously shitting into his own nest, but the thing is, Shepard is not even trying to get him kicked out. I don’t know, maybe she just got used to these shitty conversations with him, maybe she wants to show to The Council that she actually can do something, something good, even with such an idiot as him…"

Clarke sighed, couldn’t believe in what she had already heard. There wasn’t any way to do something with somebody who was openly sabotaging his own ship and skipper. That was paranoid and pointless. She didn’t comment though, because she thought that she, firstly, barely knew the crew to tell anything on any subject that was attached with them and, secondly, she didn’t see any point in trying to show Octavia that her way of thinking was wrong. Especially when Griffin started doubting that her decision to became a soldier was a good choice. To be honest, she didn’t have any reasons to complain, because on Normandy the majority of the crew were okay, but… everything was about this hard ambience. On one side there was Collins, in the other Shepard herself, covering herself behind the mist of mystery and never allowing anybody closer. How did she even want to gain anyone’s trust when nobody actually knew what was her name?

They had been following Collins for 20 minutes and Octavia was doing almost everything not to be seen. Clarke was trying not to disturb her; she was skeptical to all of this.

“What the fuck…?” she coughed when Octavia pulled her with force, suddenly hiding her behind the wall before they hit the room where Collins disappeared. She covered Clarke’ mouth to keep her quiet and she laid her finger on her mouth.

“Silence.” She whispered. „He went to this hole.”

“And…?” Clarke didn’t have a nerve to tell her that everything they were doing didn’t even make sense. 

“You don’t understand, fuck my life…” Octavia wasn’t too content because of that, but she wasn’t complaining, because she had someone who followed her, who was a companion and who didn’t fully claimed her as a crazy bastard. She looked around carefully and she slipped into the room. Clarke, whether she liked it or not, followed her. They hid behind a pile of metal boxes. There was a tiny hole between them, so Octavia and Clarke could observe what was behind them without a risk of being detected.

The darkness in the room they were in allowed them to stay calm and hidden. They knew that this would be them to firstly notice the potential intruder. Clarke held the sigh and she looked through the hole for check (with Octavia, simultaneously), what Collins was actually doing. What she saw... this wasn't exactly what she wanted to see.

He had his pants held somewhere around his knees, holding in his hands some unknown Asari's hips. He was all red on his face and he was doing friction moves. Before Clarke actually noticed that she actually did see that, she saw the moment when Collins was deflecting his head and pushing harder. Asari girl nearly screamed, but that wasn't a scream of pain that was more than sure, man moaned with hoarse voice and then he took off what he had inside her and Clarke caught an occasion to see some sort of white liquid dripping on the floor.

“Hey, everything's okay?” Octavia asked with a beginning of panic stage, and Clarke tried to hold her breakfast where it was – in her stomach. She shook her head, swallowed hard, she took several deep breaths and then she glanced at Octavia, nearly murdering her with her sight. 

“You wanted to follow him just for seeing that he's going to fuck some hoe?” she hissed, but she did it in the way for no one to hear her. Except for Octavia, of course. “For fuck's sake, you want to watch porn, go to the extranet, don't...”

“Shhh!” Octavia turned to the hole again, but Clarke wasn't so sure if she really wanted to see that. Following Blake's thoughts she should at least take a look, because she didn't know the crew so well and she knew that Octavia had a knowledge about them.  
She glanced with the pain somewhere around her heart... and she regretted it immediately.

Collins made his little friend stand up again and he inundated it into his companion again. Clarke averted her gaze, sensing a sour taste in her mouth. “Fuck her” Octavia thought. “And him.”

From behind the boxes there were a loud noises of the burning desire that was developing between that couple. Clarke could understand that Collins had to calm down his libido, because back on the deck of Normandy even cockroaches (if there were any) wouldn't let him anywhere near them. But, for fuck's sake, she didn't have to be there, somewhere near him and, of course, she didn't have to fucking hear that! She was feeling sick just because she heard the wet noises. And this was repeating all the time, regularly, with this woman's moaning and his non calm gasping. Clarke was sure that she would never see him the same way she saw him before that. Not after that she had seen the part of his body that she didn't want to see at all... and certainly not when it belonged to someone like him.

“Clarke, is everything...?” Octavia started, but in the background there was another Asari's loud moan and Clarke heard the most disgusting noise she had ever heard when Collins decided not to end inside, but throw everything on this woman's stomach. Clarke set her teeth, but when she heard her hands playing with that shit...her stomach had enough and that it couldn't take any more. She caught first bucket she found and then she threw up with everything she had inside her, trying to remain as silent as it was possible, but in that moment she didn't really care. Octavia glanced at her, not really understanding what was happening, but Clarke glanced at her with a murdering gaze, though she didn't care so much. Octavia glanced at her without much understanding of the situation and Clarke glanced at Blake as she wanted to kill her immediately. Her gaze asked “why me” and “why do we have to be here”. She vomited the rest of the things she had inside her stomach for empty it once and for all and she tossed the bucked away and she hissed: “Can we go already?”

Octavia said nothing but she raised her finger. Collins was saying something, but Clarke didn't want to listen to him. She felt nauseaus only by hearing his voice. When Octavia stood up, Clarke thought about that as a salvation. She stood up as quickly as she could and they escaped from that place.

„What exactly happened?” Blake asked when the distance between them and Collins was safely long. If he had seen them now, he would have never thought that they were following him.

„I didn't feel like watching that. Did you like it? It gave you something? That you have seen him fucking someone?” Clarke wasn't pleased and her gaze was almost crunching her companion. She was certain that she wouldn't forgive her for the rest of her life... or for sure for the rest of their service together. After that she was happy to know that she would not have to see Octavia ever again. „Because I am not feeling like... reacher in proves that he's guilty of anything.”

„Okay, okay, maybe we weren't able to see what we wanted to see, but you know, what we've seen...”

„Octavia, no. I don't want to see this idiot fucking the whores anymore, okay? He has the right to avail their services, nobody would ban him that, he also has a right for privacy.” Griffin tried to breathe deeply, because she still had an impression that she would give back what she hadn't even already got in her stomach.

„I am not so convinced that fucking was the end of it all, Clarke.” Blake shook her head. „You know... I want to say that if something stinks here... Collins wouldn't go smell it at once, right?”

„You're suggesting that whores are just a cover or smokescreen?” younger one glanced at her companion from crew, not believing, and she admonished herself internally that she thought for a while that she could have resisted a little bit longer there. She shook her head expressively and she holded her angry sight on Octavia. „No. No, no and once again, no. No discussion, I am not considering going back there. I don't feel like checking if you were right. I don't want to see him again... and I will have to, anyway.”

Blake sighted, waving her hand with resignation.  
„So be it, if you want it.” she shrugged. „But... if you have nothing against, there is one more place I'd like to visit.”

„Under one condition. That you wouldn't try to follow anyone and at that place there won't be any fishy women.” Clarke stipulated. Octavia laughed.

„Okay, deal. This way.”

They walked among people, trying not to stumble across anybody. They didn't draw much attention, but there was one thing to admit: they didn't pass by without any rumours around. Soldiers were usually seen, but they were sure that if people knew from which crew they were, they would be besieged.

„I am so glad that Shepard isn't going out with us, like, ever.” Blake sighted when they finally ended up among strangely looking stalls. Griffin didn't really knew what exactly was happening, but she didn't want to comment that. As long as her companion kept her word, she wouldn't say a thing.

„You mean...?” Clarke looked at the exposures and she claimed that she didn't see anything interesting or useful.

„You know Torfan. It's been a while, but still, people didn't get used to it yet... and we can't even think about reconciliation with these events. She's still the icon, bloody one. Shepard isn't going out of Normandy with us and when she is out, she is not staying anywhere near us when we're not on actions. You know, she is taking care of our hush.”

„I'm still not sure if I'm getting it.” Clarke sighed and Blake shook her head while looking around.

In one moment she just stopped by one of the stalls and she started to talk with the merchant. Clarke wasn't interested in what her companion was doing, so she took care of herself and she started looking around in a place she was in. It was looking like a market, but she was aware that the most luxurious stores were situated a few levels above them, she was thinking that they might have been among customers of the black market. There were a lot of men with quite unpleasant looks, but as long as they kept themselves away from her all seemed quite okay. Octavia finally stepped back from the stall, having something that looked like a new blaster in her hands.  
„You bought yourself an assault rifle?” Clarke asked unbelievingly. „Have mercy, we have full armory back on Normandy.”

„You won't find the equippment like this on our ship. Like, never.” Blake smirked. „This type of weapon is not given to us by anyone for service.”

„Is it even legal?”

„Our skipper doesn't care about what we're shooting with as long as we can do it properly and with reason.” Octavia shrugged and Griffin wished to return to the previous topic.

„What did you mean when you had said that Shepard is not showing with her crew?”

„Ah, yes, this.” Older one hid her new blaster in the holster on her hip and she glanced at her companion. „There. Come on.”

And she pulled her in the unknown direction.  
When they were finally in the right place, it turned out that they commingled into the crowd of gazers that were standing next to the woman who was looking like a journalist. She caught her victim and she was getting ready to attack. And, not very fortunate for her, it was Shepard.

„Will the people know already what happened on Torfan? Why didn't anyone want to talk about that? We already know how many casualties...”

„Answering your questions is out of my competencies” Shepard stated with ice cold voice. She turned around and tried to walk away, but the journalist wasn't so easy to avoid.

„We have the right to know who is flying in space and what we can expect from her...”

„Believe me or not, if I wasn't the right person in the right place I wouldn't have a crew and a possibility to still be on duty.” Commander's voice became even more cold and sharp than before. „If the Council claimed that I can serve my duties properly, then I think that you have nothing to worry about, ma'am.”

„How would you comment that there are rumours such as your crew is not really happy and is complaininng about having to serve under your command?”

Clarke couldn't believe in what she was hearing. She wanted to get out of the crowd, do something, but she felt Octavia's strong hand that was holding her wrist. Preventatively. She glanced at her older companion, but Blake shook her head, non verbally telling her that she should wait for a while and listen closely. Clarke wouldn't have much of a choice, so she did as she was silently advised.

The question made Shepard stop. She turned around, facing the journalist. Journalist's facial expression changed immediately. From mean and obtrusive to scared. Well, Shepard wasn't the right person to mess with if someone wanted to live his or her life in calm, health and wealth.

„You need to think about your sources.” she said. Griffin was surprised that Shepard was able to remain calm, even though there was a cold fury in her voice. She was speaking quietly, clearly and slowly, as she was weighting every one of her words: „I don't care if my crew is complaining about how bad is serving under my command. As long as they haven't come to me with that, it doesn't matter. And if they are still taking and fullfilling my orders, I think that there's nothing to talk about.”

„So you're admitting that...”

„I am not answering any more of your questions.”  
And she turned around and, before the journalist could even think about running after her or trying to stop her, Shepard was gone. The crowd sterted to spread, but Clarke was still standing, stiffed, not believing in what she had heard.

„She doesn't care about her crew... for real?” she asked, looking at Octavia.

„How do you think?”

Griffin thought for a while. She was part of the crew for too short to certainly claim if Shepard cared of her crew or not. She could see that so far commander wasn't the easiest person in the galaxy to read. 

„I have to admit that I don't know. Um... you know, she's tough and all abrasive, but... I think that's just the way she is.” she shrugged. „She didn't show us lack of respect in any possible way and during the last mission she even risked her life... and I saw her bruises myself. I can bet that there weren't only them.”

„Exactly.” Octavia nodded. „You can see that people see only the things that she wants them to see. She didn't allow anyone aboard the Normandy, she won't allow them to look what's happening inside. She protects our privacy and we should be grateful for that.”

„I can say that Collins isn't.”

„He is totally fucked up.” she sighed, waving her hand. „Anyway, what I am supposed to tell you, there's no point in that. You probably know it yourself so far.”

„I know.” Clarke nodded, following her when Octavia started to walk again. „Where are we going?”

„I'll show you one of the best casinos. I assume that you'll like it.”

„Okay, so be it.” Clarke smiled, having her superior officer in her mind all the time. She was even more enigmatic that Griffin though she was.

Octavia pulled Clarke through the crowd, making her so lost that Griffin was certain that she wouldn't be able to go back without a guide. Clarke tried to remember the way, but she gave up after several minutes when she saw that around her there was nothing but still changing sea of people. In one moment Octavia held and Clarke looked around.

„Why are we standing?” she asked, but she didn't hear the answer, she didn't even wanted it. She glanced at the balcony that was directed on the crowded Citadel's market square. Leaned on the rail and all pensieved, was Shepard. She was standing there, observing the colorful crowd that was flowing under her feet. Clarke didn't expect to see her there, but in that moment Octavia pulled her after her, but Griffin resisted.

„What's wrong?” elder one asked when she noticed that her companion wasn't so eager to follow anymore.

„You know what... I am not really feeling like going to casino today.” she sighed, trying not to look into her skipper's direction. She didn't want Blake to know what was going on. „I think I would just... go for a coffee and then I'll be back on the Normandy.”

„Okay, as you wish.” Octavia shrugged and patted Clarke on her back. „I hope that you will have fun. Later!”

And she disappeared into the crowd as a ghost. Clarke sighed and she approached one of the stalls where coffee was being sold. It wasn't extraordinary, but that was something. She paid, caught the cup and then she took up strategic position, trying not to draw any attention. Especially Shepard's attention.

She started observing her when she was, motionless as a statue, observing the crowd on the market square. Her dapper, dark eyes seemed as they wanted to find someone among the people, such as a friendly figure. She had her usual cargo pants, military boots and black longsleeve, but this time she didn't roll up her sleeves. But the thing that Clarke noticed the most was that commander didn't tie her hair. They were standing still, long enough to tie them in the small ponytali, not long enough not to look like an adorable mess. She had a kempt mohawk and Clarke thought that she was looking more womanly than during action. But she was aware that hair, during military operations could only disrupt.

In that moment the drone that was flying by, quite close to Shepard, made her haircut wave. In the same time Shepard turned her head in the direction opposite to the one that Clarke was sitting in and made her smile.

„She looks like a totally normal person, isn't she?” she heard familiar voice and a while after Oriana sat next to her. „It's so hard to believe that this is our commander Shepard.”

„You mean?” Griffin turned her head to her fellow crewmember. She noticed that Oriana was also holding a cup of some drink in her hand. It wasn't coffe though.

„Ah, look at her.” Lawson smiled. „She's always so serious, always so tense, always planning everything with every little detail that must be perfect. Never agreeing on mistakes. Even if she is going beyond the schemes, she's doing in planned way. She doesn't have an easy life, she has to leash herself, like, always, because she demands it from herself. You won't see her different aboard Normandy. But here, when nobody of our crew is near? Look.” She discretely pointed commander with the hand that carried the cup. „Pensieved yet calm. You can't see the smile on her face, but there are rumours that she is never smiling, I wasn't able to see that myself. Here she has a moment to be herself.”

„But everyone knows her here. You know... the journalists? They won't let her live.”

„Ah, you'd seen it?” Oriana glanced at Clarke with a disgust that she didn't even want to be hidden. But this disgust was not towards Clarke, it was towards the events. „Yeah, well, they could have let go. If Shepard doesn't want to talk about something, she shoud have had right not to. But you can't do a thing, the press is a vulture and Shepard's history would be a bestseller.”

„I assume that you don't know about that either?” Griffin decided to try, even if she knew that it was another blind alley.

„Nope.” Lawson shook her head, making younger one sure that she was right. „But... why are you sitting there? Why aren't you trying Citadel's attractions? For what I know you're here for the first time?”

„Yeah...” Clarke lost herself in thoughts for a while, looking at her cup. „But I don't know... I don't have need or humour for going shopping or to casino. I am not Collins either, so I don't want to go for hooters in leisure.

„I get it.” Oriana winked. „I think that commander Shepard gained someone that is more than dedicated crewmember, am I right?”

„W-what?” Clarke glanced at her with fear in her eyes, but her companion laughed and friendly poked her. „What are you...?”

„Oh, come on.” Oriana smiled widely. „I can see from there how are you looking at her. You're defending her all the time. Having her back.”

„Because she's not guilty.” Griffin shrugged. „She's our commander, superior officer. It wouldn't be so pleasant if she was charged and locked up for something... because what would be with us?”

„Yeah, let's say I believe you...” Lawson surveyed younger one, but she couldn't resist the impression that she was right. That something was going on.

„Why does nobody like her anyway?”

„Veneer. Well... you know, Roan doesn't care. Collins hates her strongly anyway. Octavia is neutral, but I can tell that Shepard is scaring her a little. I am neutral too. And then, there's you.

*

Shepard was standing and observing the crowd from above. She noticed that on her left, Clarke was sitting on the bench with a cup of coffee in her hand. This girl could be read like an open book... of course as you reached certain point. Commander didn’t move so nobody knew that she noticed her crewmwmber. She knew that this young woman was observing her, though. Yet, she didn’t know if it was a critical gaze she was giving her or just an opposite one... but she wasn’t really convinced to this second option. Shepard knew that she wasn’t liked on her own ship and a bigger part of her crew wasn’t too satisfied because of her management of resources she had. She was aware that she could have been doing it differently, but that wouldn’t be her style. She didn’t want to change the ways she was doing things. Despite that they were sometimes radical and, rarely, even brutal, they worked. She wouldn’t let do any harm to her crew and she hoped that at least some of its members knew about that.

But she had a problem with her crewmember all the time. With Griffin. The dossiers wouldn’t tell her everything, she knew that, but she wasn’t prepared for choosing somebody who would be able to surprise her so much to give her a little bit more interest than she should. Griffin was new, but she was getting along with Normandy’s crew just fine. Bloody hell, she even visited Heros! None of her crewmwmbers had done that, at least not in the first week of their service. Some of them had never been there, for example Collins, because this douchebag was claiming that engineer onboard is just an expendable balast. Generally these two didn’t like each other so much, but Shepard didn’t really care. As long as Collins didn’t decide to do something with Heros, because he was „disturbing him”, she would have to intervene. But for that time he was sitting quietly, not trying anything, so Shepard didn’t have any reason to throw him out of the airlock.

But then? She had a chance. She could get rid of him once and for all, she could make him get fired. But she couldn’t fire him just because. She knew that her every move was observed, she was aware that this man could go to the highest instance, trying to recall her decision. And if she didn’t have any proof that he was guilty, he would win. What was worse, he could possibly be back on Normandy and the atmosphere would be even worse than it was these days. Shepard didn’t want to jeopardize her crew’s quite good mood (and by „good” she meant „not really good, but acceptable for being effective”). He was already destroying everything when he was, at least once a week, underestimating her capability of doing her job, that he tried to pressurize her to give him a promotion... and, what would be the best for him, give him the wheel. Commander didn’t like people like that, but she knew that there was no man that she couldn’t handle.

And Griffin. No one among new crewmembers had ever trusted her so quickly, no one of them had ever said that he or she trusts Shepard. What was more, it was Griffin who was firt to take Shepard’s back when she was arguing with Collins... Shepard wasn’t sure what she should do with that. She didn’t know how to act, what to think. 

„What do you have in mind?” she asked herself, gazing at Griffin and Lawson for a little while. They were still sitting together and then they were discussing something very lively. „And why?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it. I'm so sorry about that I forgot, again. I hope it was worth the waiting.


	5. Sex, drugs & Rock'n'Roll

„We have another call.” Joker’s voice vibrated in the air. Clarke moved her neck with loud popping, taking her helmet and observing commander Shepard who was adjusting the straps in her armor.

„What this time?” she asked, hitting her chest with her fist and listening if she heard some missounds that would suggest that she did something wrong. As usual, she didn’t hear anything like that.

„I’ve just received a signal that Saren’s drug band set its base on Cenere and is selling drugs for quite good money. But I don’t know if the intel is true or reliable.

„It’s time to check it out.” Shepard sighed and she approached the armory display. She opened it. „Joker, set the course on Cenere. If we get lucky, maybe we will be able to can Saren and shut down his business. Track the base.”

„Aye, aye, commander. Course on Cenere, we will be there in fifteen. Crew, gathering.”

Not so long moment later rest of the team was inside the room and was gearing up. Shepard took a mask out of the bottom of the drawer, glanced at it, wondering if she should wear it instead of her helmet. Eventually she decided that it wouldn’t be so bad idea and she turned to her crew.

Masks in the galaxy were quite common and liked accessory for outfit. Light armor wasn’t fishy, especially that voyages weren’t so completely safe and safety was first and necessary.

„So, here’s the plan: Roan, Griffin and Lawson, you’re with me. You’re going into action ONLY when something will be screwed up or on my exact order. I’ll try to make a deal with Saren and if I succeed and he sells me some drugs, I will be able to arrest him. I hope that brutal force wouldn’t be necessary.

„And the rest?” Collins glanced skeptically at his skipper who turned her ice cold eyes at him.

„The rest is back on the ship, insuring us from Normandy’s level. Is that clear?”

„Yes, commander.” he snorted brazenly and then he rolled his eyes, putting on his helmet as if he was thinking that fullfilling this order was requiring going outside. There was such a risk, but Griffin thought that Collins was too melodramatic for military service.

„Tracking’s done. Sending the data, commander.” Joker said through the comms. „Drop in five.”

Shepard made sure that her shore party was ready and she led them to the drop zone. Griffin made her vision cover in helmet darker, so nobody could see that she was brazenly staring at her skipper and she was safely observing commander putting on her mask. She was looking completely different then. She didn’t have a helmet and she didn’t tie her hair, so the difference was very visible. Due to quick adjustements her hair were standing as roman centurion’s plumes, and the mask was making the look whole. It was dark with neon red panels. Through one eyehole there was a sharp, neon green line. Commander’s eyes weren’t even slightly visible. The only thing that this cover was showing were two trapezoidal spaces pulsing with gentle, warm, dark yellow light. Clarke shivered, but she couldn’t say why.

„Be careful down there.” these were the last words that Joker said before the drop.

All four landed on the empty area. Cenere wasn’t a planet with normal life, it was tough to say that it was any life at all. There weren’t any colonies, because the environement wasn’t so friendly. But it wasn’t hopeless either, and even though there was nothing, the atmosphere had not made any problems with building and maitainning a base. The thing that was different was that the drug sellers didn’t really care about building long term bases. They were constantly moving not to be seen or captured. Shepard pushed the mask to her face even more, adjusting the oxygen mask to her jawline. Very sharp jawline, as Clarke had noticed.

„Ready?” commander asked and her companions nodded, not even saying a single word. The skipper nodded too and she went ahead. „Stay behind and try not to be visible. The best option is for you to just turn on the camouflage in your armors. I hope everything will be just fine.

Clarke, during walking, was wondering how much they were risking for real. Oriana and Roan had similar thoughts, but neither of them said them out loud. They didn’t want to bring bad luck or risk catching somebody’s unneeded attention. They couldn’t be dropped in the rover, because they wouldn’t be able to hide their identity as soldiers. Shepard was leading the way, walking steadily. Clarke couldn’t believe how calm this woman seemed to be. In the comm there was nothing but silence, not even a slight hint of fastened, nervous breath. Griffin shook her head, deciding to focus on mission, not on her superior. She couldn’t get rid of her, but she didn’t want to check if she was capable of thinking about two things simultaneously during a fight. Even though she hoped that there would be no fight. That option was the safest.

„Everything’s all right, commander?” Joker’s voice was nervous.

„For now, yeah.” Shepard nodded, looking around a bit. They were approaching to buildings and tents, so they had to be more careful. „Joker?”

„Crew onboard is staying sharp.” he said and Shepard didn’t respond, so he added with a deep sigh: „Over and out.”

„Lawson, Griffin, you’re staying here. Roan, you’re going closer, not too close. Stay hidden. Let’s begin.” Commander gave orders and she approached the camp.

She barely even crossed the non marked line when three men appeared to greet her. They were armed to the teeth, with assault rifles in their hands. What was more, every one of three barrells were pointed at her, but Shepard didn’t even move. She was standing still, calmly, with her heavy pistol in the holster on her hip and she was waiting for any one of them to say something.

„What do you want?” the one in blue armor asked eventually.

„I doubt that there’s any need to explain what poeple are arriving at places like these for.” she stated, shrugging carefreely. Her voice was calm, but Clarke observed that the most nervous people of this situation were these heavily armed three men. Barrels of their rifles moved identically as commander’s shoulders.

„More specifically?”

„Something strong.” she nodded, forcing their barrels to dance again, even though that was pointless. „But I think that Saren would know best what I need.”

„You know our boss?” the question was from the guard in red armor. Shepard shrugged.

„Yes and no.” she snorted. „Geez, everyone knows about him and everyone is aware what he’s doing on a daily basis. It doesn’t mean that I know him personally.”

„How did you know where to find us?” the third among the guards asked suspiciously. His armor was green. „Just like lights on the road back on Earth”, Clarke thought.

„Be merciful, everyone is taking care of their contacts, we are using them. Is it really necessary to explain, how it works?”

„Let her in, Zorel.” red armour sighed and the blue one moved aside, waving with his rifle, giving shepard a sign to go further. Commander nodded and took one step forward. Green one’s barrell tickled her armor’s back, but Haunt didn’t raise her hands. Like as this action was nothing for her.

„No tricks.” green snapped. „Saren doesn’t like that. A lot.”

„Tricks wouldn’t be necessary if he would offer an honest prce” Shepard shrugged and she followed two other men. The third one was right behind her. Rifle still aimed.

Shepard knew that they wouldn’t want to kill her... well, they even couldn’t kill her. If she knew who had his base there, if she was aware of what they got there and what they were selling and if she was playing her role as good as she wanted to, she didn’t have any reason to worry. They had taken her as another client, maybe a little bit arrogant, but certainly for someone who had enough money to be drained out of it, but yet who was intelligent enough not to bring all of it with herself not to be killed and robbed after.

She entered one of the tents, disappearing from her companions’ sight. In the moment when her silhouette emerged with darkness of the room she was in, her shore party turned on the option that allowed them to see in every situation. They have seen one man sitting behind something that resembled shop table, even though there were just to big boxes with a scale and a few bottles standing on them.

„Ah, a customer?” in this creature’s voice there was a joy. The voice itself was a little bit synthetic, low and vibrant. Shepard immediately knew that it had to be a Turian. This specific tone and manner of sounds he was letting out of hist throat was only confirming her thoughts. „With whom I have the pleasure?”

„Adyta.” Shepard stated factually and coldly. Clarke was almost sure that this couldn’t be her real name. It just didn’t suit her. „I’m here for your best ware, Arterius.”

„Oh, I can see that you do know me.” Turian caught one of the bottles with his pawed hands and he shook it, but he didn’t unplug it, neither he squealed anything on the scale. He certainly had time to trade. Shepard remained silent, though, waiting for his move. „Okay, so you don’t like talking. I get it.” he noddded. „So, to the point then. How much?”

„At least a half.” she stated firmly and Saren raised his eyebrows.

„The huge party it is then... or are you just so desperate?”

Shepard didn’t answer. Saren put bigger bottle on the scale, pressed some buttons and he started to squeal powders into it. They were all from behind the bohse, from where Shepard couldn’t see them.

„I have never seen you here before, Adyta.” he noticed suspiciously, still mixing the powders in the proportions he fixed. „Where were you buying before?”

Clarke felt the heat that enfolded her body. She heard a gasp and a swish of air that made her realize that she wasn’t the only one.

„Is that even important?” Shepard walked away from this uncertain situation. She was so cold and calm that none of the members of her shore party didn’t know how it was possible to even be so cold-blooded. „I’ve just found somebody that’s better than Harkin. You.”

„I like what I’m hearing.” he smiled widely and that was the thing that Shepard thought. The manner in his synthesised voice was hinting her that.

She was observing carefully every one of his movements and in some point she noticed that he was contriving something. He took out the sack with white powder and he was so close to squeal it to the bottle, but Shepard stopped him with a gesture.

„Saren, I didn’t come here for a poison. I can do it myself.” all the panels on her mask went bloody red. Her eyes, too, started to pulse with not so pleasant, intensive red that was implying that her interlocutor should be careful. „And apparently you’re trying to befool me. It’s not the way to gain customers.”

„So you know drugs.” he hissed, looking at her carefully, hiding the sack back to his pocket. He was enraged that her mask couldn’t let him see her face, but he wasn’t surprised by that at all; a lot among his clients wanted to remain anonymous. „Okay, so, let’s say that I know now where we’re at. Believe me that your behaviour and way to present yourself didn’t play for your advantage."

„Not every of your customer is supposed to tell you the story of his or her life, Saren.” Shepard wasn’t satisfied, but she didn’t allow the dealer to hear that in her voice. The colours on her mask warned him enough. She got control over herself quite quickly, so they returned to the stage they were at before. Now Saren was glancing at eyes pulsing with warm yellow light. „We’re supposed to be connected by business, not friendship.”

„Maybe not, but not every one is behaving like he’s the most important persona.”

„Without us you’re nobody.” commander shrugged. „You have to admit it, because you’re aware of that. If you didn’t have any customers, your business would fall long time ago.”

Turian put a stick into the bottle and he used it with quite the energy. He put it out, plugged the bottle and he pushed it in Shepard’s direction. He didn’t say a word, but it was visible that commander shot right into the point. She reached her hand for a vessel, having an eye on every person in the room all the time. She unplugged carefully the bottle, put her index finger inside. When her fingertip touched the powder, the sensors passed down the informations about the content to her armor’s computer. One of the veins of this mechanism lighted up in red, the other one in blue. That meant that this substance wasn’t a poison, but it wasn’t legal either.

Shepard plugged back the bottle and she nodded, hiding it in one of pockets for additional equipment.

„Pass me the terminal.” she stated and Saren, without any word or hesitation, just reached out his hand, letting her know that all they needed to do was to connect their upper side of their hands. Shepard nodded once again and she did exactly what she was expected to. Green light on Saren’s hand informed that transaction has been accepted.

„Would you mind me assisting you to the exit?” he asked friendly, but Shepard knew exactly that Saren had not so friendly plan in mind.

„Oh, with pleasure.” she smiled underneath the mask and her eyes for a moment lighted in green to inform her interlocutor about that. This was a mask, yet not much could hide under it. Just a face, not the expressions. Shepard patted her thigs, just in very human gesture, but she also started the mechanisms for non-verbal orders giving so all her short party knew that they had to stay sharp from then on.

„So, where did you come from?” he asked, still walking straight and putting his hands behind him.

„Arterius, do you really want to play this?” she glanced at him with false disbelief in her voice, but she was aware of what he was trying to do. He wanted to know if she was really the clean customer.

It was already too late though if he just made a deal with this person.

„I highly doubt that there’s a need of being such an anonymous person now.” he shrugged. „But if you don’t want to tell about it so badly, I won’t push.”

„You’re quite curious as for a dealer.” Shepard noticed that his guards spreaded as they knew there wasn’t any danger. They could go to the reconnaisance and started to look for her crew, she couldn’t be sure. And she was more likely to believe in this second option.

She got to Saren with one step and she knocked him down with two deadly precise hits straight into his armor. Not trained person wouldn’t know where to find the standstills. Saren fell on his knees, but Shepard did’t let him fool herself and she stood on his balls, giving him too much pain for him to even try to fight. She kicked him into head with such a force that he passed out.

„Status.” she said through the comms and for a moment that she thought was an hour, the only response was silence. She started to worry that her shore party was, in some strange way, all killed, but finally she heard Lawson’s voice.

„Two taken down, there is only one left, this one in green armor.” she reported. „Commander, I think he’d be going right to you, be careful.”

„Roger that.” Shepard nodded, unlocking her pistol and looking around. „Gathering.”

She caught Saren and she hid behind the stall of boxes. She didn’t want him to be injured because of some ricochet or something. For him to be charged and processed he had to be whole, not injured. Bruises didn’t count though. The Council was aware for a long time that persuading her to be more diplomatic and peaceful in dealing with things with criminals was pointless. Shepard always did things her way, but as long as she was effective, nobody dared to say a word about that.

She tilted from behind the boxes and she glanced at the whole base complex. There wasn’t much spots to hide, because there were a few boxes, a tent, now empty, and that was that. Shepard was aware that if her crew had a chameleon system in armors, other people could have it too.

There was a shot that flew right next to her arm. She didn’t even turned around, even though somebody shot from behind her.

„Let Saren go and maybe I’ll think through not to kill you.” she heard the voice of the third guardian, but Shepard lifted her feet with quite heavy boot and she set it on Saren’s throat. Bending her knee when the rest of her body wasn’t moving initiated the charging of heavier shields. Shepard had everything calculated. Her armor was more visceral than anybody could imagine. Of course, as all, it has its weak point, but this man couldn’t know about it. „Put your hands up.”

Shepard was waiting. Just waiting. And she finally get what she wanted.

„Lay down your arms!” Roan’s loud voice was vibrating in the air when all of her shore party gathered. „Don’t force me to shoot you.”

„Warning shot right in the head has never been a bad idea.” commander smiled to herself. She heard a quiet click of an armor and she knew that this man did what he was told by Roan. She was safe to turn around, but she did it only with her upper part of body, because she wouldn’t risk that Saren would flee.

She saw her people aiming with their assault rifles to the guardian. He seemed rather scared and Shepard wasn’t sure if he didn’t soil his armor with something other than grease.

„You’ll go with us peacefully or will we have to shot you?” she asked and he set his teeth and it was visible that he was wondering about the response. He wanted to be loyal to Saren, but on the other hand... he didn’t want to die.

„Never.” he finally decided and he raised his rifle. Before anyone could react, there was a shot.

The guard doddered, glanced with blind eyes at Shepard and he fell on the ground, lifeless. He reacted quickly, but it was still too slow. Commander blocked her pistol and she hid it back to her holster and nodded while gazing at dead body of a merch. Clarke, Oriana and Roan were still standing with their barrells aimed and they tried to process the information of what just happened.

„Is he...?”

„Dead.” Shepard shrugged, releasing Saren’s throat of her foot and then she made him stand up, even if he was still unconscious. She glanced at her companions. „Roan, Griffin, secure the place. Lawson, you’ll help me with this jerk.”

„Aye, aye, commander.”

Clarke and Roan immediately went for reconnaisance. In case if there was anybody else, they knew what to do. Oriana approached Shepard and she pulled off handcuffs, immediately switching on the magnetic field and she put them on Arterius' hands.

„How did you know that we’d make it on time?” she asked nervously. „How did you know that he wouldn’t shot?”

„I had Saren.” Shepard stated, trying not to think about that actually she wasn’t so sure about neither of the things that Oriana asked about. „He couldn’t risk me taking my gun out and shooting his boss, Saren was paying him too much. I saw that he was still looking at my gun when I was sitting in the tent. As if he was wondering how fast I am. On the other hand, if I arrived here without any back up, as they surely thought, they had to assume that I am more familiar with guns than a common human being. He didn’t want to risk.”

„That’s right.” Lawson nodded and she pushed Harkin who doddered, and Shepard caught him in his waist.

„Clear, commander.” Clarke reported.

„Joker, come down.”

„Aye, commander.” Joker’s voice was still anxious, but not so much as before. It didn’t take him so long to fly over, they heard a slight shimmering of Normandy’s engines. Joker opened the airlocks and a bridge, so Oriana and Shepard were able to take Harkin inside. Behind them, about ten meters, appeared Clarke and Roan, assecurating the whole action.

Shepard shivered and she wanted to look back, but there wasn’t even a second that passed and the whole gunshot series was out. She felt Saren’s body weight dangerously lying on her, so she knew what happened.

„Fuck!” she snapped, not really believing in what just happened. Oriana fell onto the ground and she groaned in pain. More than twenty bullets were able to crash her armor, shields would certainly incerease this rating. But Oriana forgot about her shields.

"As usual, for fuck’s sake.” Shepard thought. „I should have checked out three times if she turned them on before we started!”

There was a cacophony of another two assault rifles and human shouts. Clarke and Roan hit the last man standing and killed him immediately.

„Griffin, Roan, take Arterius to the cells.” she ordered, throwing him to the ground and, with such smooth move she lifted Oriana, running aboard the Normandy. Clarke and Roan, without any discussion, took the inmate and pushed him in, hearing the hiss of closing airlocks behind them. The airlock and way with stains of Oriana’s blood.

„You think that...?” Roan asked quietly, but Clarke sighed and shrugged, kicking Saren into one of the cells on Normandy.

„I have no idea, but I hope that not.” she stated anxiously. „Come on, there’s nothing for us to do here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it, folks.  
> Also, as today is 1st January, well, happy new year! I hope that this one will be better than the previous one.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for all the comments and all the kudos you're leaving and you've left. You're awesome. :)
> 
> Take care, and until next time!


	6. The truth

„Oblivion”. Dr Chakwas confirmed just after her expertise in the med bay.

„What would be with her?” Shepard didn’t seem to care much about what the doctor just said. The only thing that she actually cared about was if her crewmember would make it.

„I don’t know, commander.” Chakwas sighed. „It’s hard to tell. She’s got serious injuries because of the bullets, I removed the armor shards, but it’s still not looking so good. I’m stilll trying to stabilize her, but that’s not so fast process. We need to wait. And in the meantime I have for you the analysis of the substance that Saren sold you. You can arrest him without any hesitation.

„Great.” Commander nodded and she received the data on her electronic armlet. She opened it with one pat of her fingertip and holotransmitter showed it to her. She read it quickly and the content confirmed Chakwas’ words. Saren was fucked up.

_What’s the point if we’re paying such a price?_ The skipper thought, closing the file and glancing again at Oriana. She didn’t look so good. She was connected to a lot of straws, tubes and other stuff. Unconscious, pale. Shepard knew that it was her fault. She should have been checked if all the shields and covers were set up, an turned on. And not let her crewmwmber switch them off too early, not until the airlock was sealed. Even if Lawson herself disturbed the procedures, commander felt guilty. The remains after Torfan sometimes knocked to her head in the moments that they weren’t wanted at all, but she hadn’t made a mistake then. Her party wasn’t lucky enough.

„This would give us nothing if you would be sitting here, commander.” Chakwas finally spoke, observing Shepard crossing her hands and standing near Lawson’s bed. Motionless, focused, certainly blaming herself for something that wasn’t her fault. „Your presence wouldn’t trigger the awakening.”

„This is my crew, I shouldn’t...”

„Shepard.” doctor approached and friendly hit her arm. She was the only one person that actually claimed commander as her friend... and maybe vice versa, but she wasn’t so sure about that. „You can’t grieve, got it? You’re not to blame.”

„How can you know.” Commander didn’t avoid the glance of doctor’s gaze, but she really wanted to.

„I just know. But you’re saying that it’s your crew, but you’re forgetting that Normandy’s not only her. There are a lot more people here. Go to them, You have the inmate to deliver to the Council Space.

„Yeah, that’s true. Keep me posted about every change.” Shepard knew dr Chakwas way too long to speak to her as to „ma’am”, but on the other hand she tried to stick to it when she was speaking with her in the presence of any other concious crewmwmber. It was always more professional and usally didn’t give the hint that situation is bad.

„Sure.” she nodded. „Be careful out there. Especially you.”

Shepard didn’t answer, she just left the med bay. The truth was that commander herself was convinced that if she got injured, the crew could certainly receive the bad news better. But, even though, she could only suspect how the crew would take such information.

But she wasn’t able to do more than a few steps after med bay’s door shut after her, because she just bumped at somebody. She saw Collins’ face. He was in rage, it was visible that someone messed with him in non-usual way... or he just was looking for trouble. There was also a third option, probably the best in this case. He wanted to smear Shepard for what she’d done wrong. She knew that he would be right this time, but the fact that she felt like it couldn’t be higher than the procedures. And the procedures were tough and held commander’s back: she didn’t do anything wrong. She did everything right.

„How you want to explain this?” he asked, but Shepard hid her hands behind her and she glanced at him with cold and unpleasant gaze.

„I am your superior officer, Serviceman and as long as you didn’t learn how to title me, I would not explain anything. Dismissed.

And she just passed by. Collins turned around, all pissed, and he entered t h e quarters on crew’s deck.

„For fuck’s sake, this whore doesn’t even want to defend herself!” he shouted, waving his hands, even before the door closed behind him. Shepard, of course, heard what he had said, but she refused to interfere. Her crew had the right to be nervous and concerned, but on the other hand this man should have shown at least a little bit of respect to his superior.

„Can you just stop already?” Clarke snapped at him. None of the crewmembers present in the room expected that Shepard would approach the door, stand by and start listening. She wasn’t eavesdropping, she was just catching so much as people inside let her. If they would be talking quieter, she wouldn’t hear a thing. No glass tricks. „She ain’t do shit to you. She’s your skipper.”

„Shit not skipper out of her!” Collins didn’t even think about lowering his voice. „Holy motherfucker, she is thinking that she can do anything she wants! She ain’t got any heart or emotions, you got it? She doesn’t even care about Ori!”

„Spit. Out. What. You’ve. Just. Said.” Clarke stood up from her bunk and approached him, pointing her finger at his throat. „Shepard always cares about her crew.”

Collins set his teeth and then he did something that he was asked for, but nobody expected that he would actually do it. He spat. Right into Clarke’s face.

„Are you totally fucked up?!” Roan jumped in the rush of the moment between crewmwmbers, to divide them. „Pull yourself together, you freak! She didn’t do anything to you!”

„She wanted me to spit out what I said.” Collins smirked meanly. „And as she’s defending that bitch as her own mother, she’s probably satisfied that I did what she requested.”

„What do you want from me, huh?” Griffin snapped, not knowing if she should slit his throat and fight before or just walk away and then be back with a blaster and shot him instead. „I didn’t do anything to you.”

„You’re defending her and she’s guilty. Are you blind? Because of her Oriana is fighting for her life now. And what you’re doing? Just sitting there and munching all her lies that she’s feeding you. Open your eyes, don’t be bigger idiot than you already are! She won’t give you a prize, not even gratitude, maybe, just maybe, she won’t send you to fight in the first line, so maybe you would die later. That’s all that you can expect from her.”

„She didn’t do anything wrong, Collins. I was there, I saw that Oriana was shot into her back, because she shut her shields too early. Shepard has nothing to do with that.” Clarke set her fists and barely resisted punching him.

„She didn’t check the area well! She fucked up!”

„It was us who was checking the area.” Roan hit this asshole in the chest with his forearm. The force that he used forced Collins to take step back in order not to fall. This situation was weird just because Roan usually didn’t talk and that much as he said during past five minutes was three times his usual normes for a week.

„What the fuck?!”

„We were checking the area.” Clarke nodded. „You heard just fine. It wasn’t Shepard. She brought Oriana for help with Saren. And you would know that if you hadn’t been sitting on the PornSpace again.”

„Procedures are clear, so is Shepard.” Octavia nodded, gazing with disgust at Collins. He didn’t even want to let it go, but the rest of the crew didn’t want to let him accuse certailny innocent person. „She took care about everything.”

„Apart from the things that were the most important!” he snapped and he kicked with fury the nearest chair. No one reacted. He could do much worse things at any moment and destroying the furniture wasn’t included on the list.

„I’m concerned why the situation on Cenere had to end like this. Why...”

„We didn’t insure the area well.” Roan sighed, sitting back on his own bed. When he was assured that first fire in the argument was out he thought that he could. Collins didn’t want to smash somebody’s nose. „Shepard is not capable of nursing everyone. She was taking care of Saren, so... she might not have time to react. That’s human. Also, we’re soldiers, not children. We know things, we know procedures and we’ve been sworn to admonish.

„Don’t you see that she is making mistakes all the time? It’s quite funny that she is always in one piece and the people that are working for her are in pieces.” he snorted.

„You’ve gotta be kidding me.” Clarke glanced at him with disbelief. „In her actions there’s nothing that wasn’t thought through. She is always trying to make up a plan that, in the end, posit every one of us in good health, both, physical and mental. You can’t smear her all the time, because you didn’t like the fact that she’s your superior officer and a woman.

„I don’t like the fact that she doesn’t give a fuck about her crew!” he shouted, but his reaction seemed like Clarke was right. „For fuck’s sake, you don’t see it, because you’re here for too short. Or she could make her dog out of you, because she just sold you a few touching stories at the very beginning. She’s hartless and ruthless, she doesn’t have any empathy. She doesn’t regret anythig, don’t you understand? She will send you to the fight and she will be watching you die. And nothing would even quiver when you will.

„You need a therapy.” Clarke snapped. Her eyes were torturing Collins with bolts from the very beginning of the argument, but she was aware that it wasn’t enough to shut him up. „Among all the superiors I had she’s the one whose orders I wouldn’t want to question.And not because I will be afraid of dying. Because she’s making good choices. Tough ones, but good.”

„And what can you possibly know about being under anybody’s command? Collins glanced at her as she was worse than him or something, but she rolled her eyes nad she took one step closer. Roan moved nervously on his bed, but he didn’t stand up.

„Oh, I can, because I had not only one, apparently unlike you. You’re fucking chauvinist, idiot and a prick. You’re accusing someone for things that she didn’t do and it’s only because you’re jealous about her rank and a positon. An you’re angry because you’re serving under her command. And the truth is, you would fuck this mission up with flying colours.

She didn’t need to add anything more fro Collins to got out of the room faster than anybody was able to say something. The rest of people just glanced after him with disbelief, but none of them said a word. Everybody’s eyes were set on Clarke.

„Wow, tough words.” Roan said with disbelief, but she waved her hand, sitting on her bed and lyion on the wall.

„He deserved them. I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.” she sighed.

„Okay, we all know that he’s out of his mind, but for real...” Octavia glanced at Roan and Clarke which didn’t really want to look at her. „...shouting at each other wouldn’t make Ori better. It wouldn’t make her healed. Tell me... what happened exactly? You haven’t seen him or what? You haven’t checked every possible hiding spots?”

„I have no idea.” Ceres shrugged with her eyes still fixed at her hands. „We split up, I went to the right, Roan to the left. We searched all the spots where we could potentially find someone hiding...

„And nobody was there.” Roan finished. „That’s why Collins’ anger for Shepard is so pointless.”

„I don’t understand him either.” Griffin nodded. „I was there. I saw that Shepard felt that something was wrong. Intuition was right, but her reaction was too slow. She didn’t turn around on time. She’s great damn gunslinger, but... not this time. If he would shoot two seconds later... maybe everybody would be here safe and sound. But...”

„Ori was always a clumsy one and she was always saying that additional covers and shields are slowing her down. Okay, mods are heavy and their weight is even bigger when they’re on, but... this is not much of a price for safety. Of course they had to be turned on to be useful. Just bad luck that Ori thought that being onboard the Normandy is equal to being completely safe. This time... well, she learned her lesson.

„Two hours for landing in Council’s Space, commander.” Joker announced. „It would be neat if you prepared Saren for the meeting with justice.”

„He always knows what to say.” Clarke shook her head and Octavia chuckled. Despite all that situation their pilot could always make the atmosphere better... even though he didn’t know if there was any problem.

* * *

The cargo bay on the Normandy was actually pretty calm. Shepard knew that on that kind of ship calmness and peace didn’t come that often, so she just thought that maybe she should embrace it for a little while. Truth was that she was sometimes just forgetting that her crew was bigger than three people. But the fact was also that only those three considered her good. And one of them was the newest one.

She sighed and leaned her back towards the wall, looking up, and sighing. She was used to taking the risk, she was used to shootings, to sound of bullets cutting the air. But, although she had seen it may times and although she experienced it even more, she wasn’t used to loosing the crew. Well, she had not lost anyone yet, but something in her chest told her that she shouldn’t have been so hopeful.

“You think that you would be able to deliver me to the Council?” hoarse voice sounded from over the cells. Shepard straightened her back. Saren woke up.

“How was your sleep?” she asked with mocking intonation in her voice, approaching a bit his place. Stepping too close was not so good idea, so she just decided to be careful.

“Better than you can imagine.” his voice was stronger than before, on Cenere. Shepard got suspicious, but the moment when she did, it was too late.

A loud clang of bars resonates in the almost empty space of cargo was the briger of troubles. Shepard didn’t know yet how screwed she was.

Not thinking much she just  dodged the first attack. The space on the Normandy was quite dim and she couldn't see properly. She was hearing better, though. And her hearing pretty much saved her life. She dodged again when Saren’s claws almost pointed her through. Instead of actually killing her, they only scratched her. Wound was deep, Shepard felt that, but still not lethal. She was worse.

“You think that you can actually get me.” she snorted sarcastically. “You’re not fleeing, Saren. Council is getting you today whether you like it or not”.

He didn’t answer. He stroke.

Shepard noticed that something was clearly wrong, when she was dodging the third time, trying to get to the armory wall in the cargo. Saren was too quick. He wasn’t that fast when she got him. She jumped to the wall, finally getting herself the weapon. She blocked another attack of Saren’s claw and the metal clanged again, sparks were visible, lightening for a second her opponent’s face. It was totally different. As if he turned to a husk into his cage. She saw that before. Reapers.

Shepard didn’t hesitate. She clenched her fingers on her weapon and started striking so fast, firmly and strongly, that her opponent had a problem with responding. He tried to punch, but she was too fast for him. But one moment he just dodged.

Shepard felt a burning pain spreading on her chest as he succeeded reaching her body. His claws ripped her flesh as kitchen knife does with a chicken salad and she felt the blood. She tripped and then she lost her balance. He didn’t waste his time. One strong punch made her fly through the cargo as she finally hit the wall with full force. Loud groan escaped her mouth and then she grunted as she rolled down, hitting the floor. She tried to get up, but her body decided not to cooperate.

“And where is your confidence now, commander?” he asked, reaching out his hands ans she tried to stand up.

“Here.” They heard female voice. Shepard raised her head to just see Griffin with Kain in her hands.

_ Oh shit _ . She thought before her crewmember shot.

* * *

Two hours later they landed in one of Citadel’s docks. Comms were on and Shepard’s firm voice spoke:

„All the crew. Gathering on the bridge. Immediately.”

Not thinking much, all of them went to the checkpoint. Shepard was there, waiting for them, geared up in the lightest armor that was available. This one she was wearing when she was going somewhere in „business”. If not, she prefered the casual outfit she had as a commander. She had crossed arms, she was standing straight and firmly, breathing steadily. Her face couldn’t be read, so nobody could say why they were there.

„Commander.” Octavia nodded when Collins, still pissed off, joined them and he was the last that was required.

„I have to tell you one thing and it’s not pleasant at all.” Shepard’s voice was calm, cold and controlled, all the crew shivered because of that. „Oriana didn’t make it. Her wounds were too big and too serious. Doctor Chakwas was doing all she could, but when we thought that it could only be better, there was a crash in her parameters, they dropped to zero and stayed there. She... we couldn’t save her.”

„YOU DIDN’T EVEN TRY!” Collins hit some people to make his way towards her. Before anyone was able to react, he hit her in the face with his fist. Commander didn’t even doddered, she received the hit and she caught his wrist and she twisted it so much for him to feel the pain.

Clarke jumped ahead and tried to catch him from behind for him not to do any more harm than he already did. Together, with Roan, they succeeded in catching the Serviceman in steel grip and blocked his hands.

„It wasn’t mine to try, Collins.” Shepard stated coldly, wiping out the blood that appeared on her face from her nose. „I am not the right person to heal. I could only do her more harm.”

„So you had to, as usual, show your egoistic attitude towards everything!” he snapped, trying to get away. He wanted to hit her harder and more than once. What was interesting, Shepard didn’t really react to that. It was quite like she was giving him permission to hit her, to vent his anger at her. And what she should do was send him to hell. And nobody understood why. „You’re focused only on yourself, you’d never thought about what your crew could feel! we’re nothing but bugs to you, you don’t even want to care that we’re able to feel something! You’re hopeless, you let us die like flies and you don’t even care about us...

„You’re suspended, Collins.” Shepard apptoached him with firm steps, full of power and primacy. Clarke barely resisted shivering, but she stopped the spurt in the last moment, because she knew that Collins could notice it and then he would be mocking her. „A week of a strict. In the Normandy’s box. I think that it would be just perfect for you. And you should be glad and grateful that I didn’t decided to throw you out of the trash airlock.” she snapped, looking him in the eye. Collins was panting, still trying to get away, there was fury in his eyes. In opposite to calm and cold, deep and indifferent darkness of Shepard’s green eyes he seemed to be mentally unstable. „If someone want to know more, I am open to talk once I’m back from the Citadel. Blake, please, stay for a while. Griffin, Roan, take him where he belongs. Rest, dismissed.”

Clarke and Roan caught Collins harder and they pulled him to the boxes. In one of them there was still Saren. He was waiting for the moment when Normandy’s captain would finally take him out of there. He didn’t have a chance to escape, but he wouldn;t even want to do so. When he learned who fooled him and onboard what ship he was, he wouldn’t take his chances in escaping. Gossips about Shepard were spreading quickly and none of them were pleasant.

„Commander?” Octavia took one step ahead and she glanced ath her skipper.

„I know that it’s big loss for you, Octavia.” Shepard stated and her crewmember raised her head to just look into her eyes. She couldn’t believe that commander used her name, she had never done that before, no matter what the circumstances. But she did this then and, what was more, she even comforted her with a hand lying on her shoulder, gently squeezing it. That was weird, Shepard was always so cold and calm, now Octavia could feel that her skipper actually had something called warmth. Her hand was very warm. Shepar wasn’t great in interpersonal contacts, she was even worse in comforting, but Octavia appreciated that gesture so much. „I’m so sorry that we were helpless.”

„You think, that this situation could be different, ma’am?” Blake asked and Shepard sighed, nodding.

„Of course. If I would react, tell her not to switch off the shields, I am sure that this tragedy could have been avoided. I could have remembered that Lawson has in habit... had i habit switching them off earlier. If I wasn’t so focused on putting Saren...”

„Please, don’t blame yourself, commander.” this time it was Octavia who reached out her hand and squeezed her skipper’s shoulder. „You did all you was capable of. Thank you.”

„There is nothing to thank me for.” Shepard shook her head. „There is always more to do.”

„Now we will remember about that.” Octavia nodded and she smiled sadly. „Ori wanted to die like this. Fighting. Helping. Now the last part of this mission is up to you, ma’am. Ori would want this bastard to get what he deserved.”

„I’ll make that happen.” Shepard nodded and Blake saluted. Shepard was out of the deck, leaving her crewmember on the bridge. She wanted to kill this scumbag, but she decided to just take him bu his clothes and deliver him right ing front of the Council.

Octavia’s gaze followed commander and she shook her head with disbelief. They were all saying that she was a stone cold bitch, calculating, comletely emotionless, indifferent on everybody’s suffering. That she didn’t regret a thing, that she was moving on no matter what, never looking back. Not remembering about anything and making a way no matter what it was taking to do that. There was something in this – she was moving on without a doubt, trying not to look back, but Octavia could notice that her past was right behind Shepard, following her. The thing that she didn’t care about her crew... that was a lie. Nobody cared about her crew more than Shepard did. On the Normandy Octavia felt like home. Commander was tough and strict, but she wasn’t really a tyrant as Collins used to say. She was showing her concern in her own, maybe a little strange, way. She wanted the best for them and she knew that only the discipline would allow them to go somewhere, to be somebody. She knew that if her team would be obedient, if it would trust her... then all of its members would be fine and safe. Because she was giving a lot of her. 

What a shame that not many people appreciated that. Octavia didn’t say a word to anybody about that, but she wasn’t sure if there wasn’t really any other person that knew – Shepard was treating them like her family. Of course, it wasn’t something that they were talking about freely and out loud, because nobody would believe, especially when everybody knew about Shepard’s ruthless reputation. However, most part of her crew felt safe under her command, because they all knew that she would care for them. Unless they made a mistake.

As Oriana did.

In that case even Shepard was helpless and powerless. Even the Torfan’s icon couldn’t do anything.

Octavia sighed and she wiped out the tears and she started walking towards crew’s quarters to even sit on her bed. And before Clarke and Roan were back from cell’s deck, she was already sleeping a disturbing sleep, weeping from time to time.

* * *

Clarke was nervously weave through the Normandy, not even knowing where whe was heading. She was thinking about what happened. What she and Roan could do better, who was to blame, what went wrong, or was this all worth it. Octavia didn’t want to talk to anybody, her loss was too heavy to share her emotions just in that moment. She didn't have a strenght to do it. Roan sat on the floor in their room, lying on the wall, resting his head on the wall too and he closed his eyes, trying to cope with what he had inside. Collins was boxed, probably swearing on Shepard, still wanting to beat the shit out of her or even to kill her. Griffin didn’t have any idea what she could do, she didn’t know if she should. She couldn’t find herself a place, she didn’t know if there was something that would actually cope with distracting her from the recent events.

Suddenly, she heard a loud hiss of opening door in front of her. She glanced ith blind eyes on what was behind them. And she recognized the shapes a moment later.

A little laboratory connected with the library. A small, cozy room. She didn’t have any idea where she was, because it was the first time she saw this place, but when her eyes zoomed already, she noticed that she wasn’t there alone.

„Commander.” she saluted quickly, but Shepard waved her hand, not even rising her gaze. She was holding something in her hadns and she was studying it with interest, but Clarke wasn’t sure of that, because she couldn’t really see it – Shepard had her head lowered.

„At ease.” she stated with her hoarse voice. „What brings you here?”

„I... I don’t know, commander. It’s hard to focus on anything.” she decided to tell the truth, it was the most appropriate for the situation they were in. She didn’t want to say that she got lost and then leave. She needed somebody’s companion, she needed a conversation, but she wasn’t able to have one. All the crew was too sad to have mood for that.

„You want to talk, Griffin, don’t you?” Shepard’s voice brought her back to Normandy and Clarke was surprised that she just saw through her. Commander glanced at her and approached. „You’re not the one to suffer in silence.”

Even though it was more a statement than a question, Clarke nodded, glancing into Shepard’s eyes. She was wondering how it was even possible for this woman to be so enigmatic. How was it possible to have no emotions in her eyes. Why was she hiding them so well? How?

„Commander, I... I don’t want to disturb you...” she started, but Shepard shook her head, and she hit her inner part of hand with a small bottle she held.

„You’re not.” she stated, without any shadow of sarcasm, smile or any other emotion. „Please, sit.”

„May I ask what...?” Griffin pointed the bottle, sitting on the chair by the laboratory desk and turning to her skipper.

„Oblivion. One of these damn drugs that are taking a lot of beings in the galaxy just to death.” Shepard didn’t seem to be satisfied. „It seems that not even taking this shit is dangerous, but also hunting for it doesn’t end well.”

„That wasn’t your fault.” Clarke felt that she should say that. She was thinking that way, she knew that Shepard was innocent, but this whole situation wasn’t so good. She didn’t know if Shepard wanted to hear such things, however something inside her told her that commander wouldn’t scold her for that.

„Blake said exactly the same thing to me today.” she nodded. „But I’ve always could fullfill my duties better.”

„You couldn’t control that we did the foray too cursorily...

„That’s not your fault. That’s... nobody’s fault, to be honest. But still, I don’t like losing my crew.” Shepard shrugged. „Enough about me.”

„If I may, commander...” Clarke didn’t feel like talking about herself. „I know that this could sound snoopy, but... you had lost your crew once, right?”

„Indeed.” Shepard nodded, approaching the door and sealing them with one finger’s move.

„You felt for them, right? I mean... people are saying that you don’t have a heart, thay you don’t regret what happened, but...”

„I don’t regret. There wasn’t other way out.”

„But you didn’t deal with it, right? It’s still haunting you.” Griffin asked, trying to look at her skipper’s face. Shepard raised her gaze and in her eyes there were sparks of irritation. She was feeling unsafe, but she didn’t want Clarke to see that. These sparks were so greatly hidden that if Clarke wasn’t looking for them, she wouldn’t even notice them.

„To the point, Griffin.” her green eyes’ gaze could pin her into her seat, but Griffin didn’t have any bad intentions, so she didn’t have any reason to worry.

„I am not willing to attack, commander.” she raised her hands to show her that she wasn’t armed. Shepard relaxed a little, but she still didn’t so trusting. Torfan was a trigger, she disliked talking about that. It was always hurting. „I just... don’t know anything about you, ma’am. Every information I have is from people, from gossips, from creatures that don’t even know you, don’t work with you. From people that don’t care about what you’re like for your crew, how you’re treating them. From people that are talking about you, and their only source is something that happened in the past, a long time ago and they had no idea what was that like. And I... I just wanted to know something about you. First hand, from the source. What happened on Torfan.”

„Torfan has never been friendly.” Shepard shrugged and she put the bottle with Oblivion on the laboratory table near Clarke. She crossed her hands and she approached the bookshelves. „Quite like Collins. Tough and not forgiving. Uncompromising. Furiatic. Impossible to leash.”

„But...”

„Oriana liked being here.” commander sighed, reaching hand for one of the books. She caught it, took out of the bookshelf and she opened it, flicked through. „She liked to study a lot of strange things, planets were her favourites. Maybe she wanted to know more about the environement that I lost my crew in? I don’t know, I have never asked.”

Shepard approached Clarke and she put the open book on Griffin’s knees. It was opened on the page with huge photo of Torfan. Small moon, grey, full of sand and rocks, unfriendly, dry, not forgiving any mistakes. A lot of area where you could hide, sometimes there are cities that were, miraculously, running, living. 

„We’ve been there for a couple of weeks, trying to shut down the riot of the slaves and the slavers. The hottest moment was when the terrorists closed us in one of the biggest buildings of Kernath, with more than fifty hostages. We had a vast plan of action, we were set in positions, all was prepared and ready. Negotiations brought us nothing, so we have to attack. One of our people betrayed us. He sold our plan to the terrorists, we were so close to end this shit then... we were the strongest unit and we were the ones to get rid of. It turned out that among these fifty hostages there were barely a ten that wasn’t with them. They set people and I didn’t notice. I did when it was too late. I ordered withdrawal, but my unit refused. They had said that with so much enemies in one place we’re likely to end the riot and kill as much slavers that it would finally be the victory. They said that I would make it, that they would follow all my orders, but not the one of withdrawal. Slavers and terrorist weren’t easy enemies. We’ve been killing them until there wasn’t any more living. They had illegal mods in their arms, so we were on the lost position anyway... but we were marines. We knew how to fight. And that was it. Some of them escaped, but most of them just died. Among my people there was just me who made it out alive. And it was just because I couldn’t make it on time to the place where the main fight was happening. I had to deal alone with at least ten of batarian slavers with white arms and I was pinned there. And I knew that my men needed me and I wasn’t there. Slavers that escaped were lately found and killed, but my crew was all dead, now they are just ghosts. I just shot some of the escaping slavers, but they were easy targets, I know what to expect, I was before in this corridors. I saw a huge part of my crew dying, shot like a sifters. The rest was dead when I found’em.” her voice was flat, she was talking about that as if she was enumerating what she was eating for breakfast, not as she was describing a slaughter of hern own crew.

„You want to say that...”

„The gossip that I ordered them to die are exagerrated. I wasn’t able to order them to withdraw, because all of them just said that they would start a rebellion if I would. They overestimated me. I convicted them to death... but not by the order.”

„Please, don’t say that, ma’am.” Clarke couldn’t say anything other than that. „It’s... it’s terrible what they are saying about you.”

„They’re right. I am ruthless and stone cold, I kill without hesitation.” Shepard shrugged, not even looking at her crewmwmber. „But because Torfan taught me to.”

„Have you said about it? Or...?”

„Only admiral Anderson and admiral Hackett were empathetic enough to believe me.” commander stated. „You remember Anderson?”

„Of course.” Clarke scratched her neck, trying not to absorb all the information of the tragedy that was on Torfan. „But... betrayal?”

„Sometimes it happens, Griffin.” Shepard took out of the bookhelf anothe book and she walked towards the door. She glanced at Clarke, but she didn’t smile. Even though Griffin was sure that commander wasn’t mad at her. „I would appreciate if you stayed discreet. I don’t want more gossip on this ship. As many as there already is... is enough, is that clear?”

„Yes, ma’am.” Clarke stood up and saluted.

„At ease.” Shepard nodded and she wanted to leave, but Clarke wanted to ask about something else.

„May I... I am really stunned that you’re still so honorable, ma’am. I don’t know if I would be able if I...”

„Ah, Griffin...” Shepard sighed, turning her head to her crewmwmber. „When you’re standing in the ashes of so many dead souls... you start to wonder, you start to ask them or yourself if honor even matters.”

„And...?”

„Their silence is your answer.”

And Shepard left the library, pretty much losing her posture for a moment, becuase of her wounds she didn't want to show she had. Clarke noticed that she took with her  _The Gospel of Loki_ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked that one. I am sorry that I update so late, but at least, I did.
> 
> Thank you for all kudos and comments, they're life, they're so important for me! I am so glad that you're here.
> 
> Take care and see you in next chapter! :)


	7. At first breath

“I should totally sue you for destroying so huge part of my girl” Joker said once he saw Clarke putting the Kain down. Saren was defeated, totally knocked off, because of Griffin reprogramming the bullets to be stunning, not destroying ones. The justice must have been done but not in that way. Well, everything worked out just fine, beside the fact that she managed to make a huge hole in the room they were in.

_The situation was balls when she saw it. She saw commander Shepard beaten on the ground, bleeding, trying to get up, but failing miserably with it. And then Saren, in very strange form, something around mutated, reached out its claws and pretty much wanted to kill Griffin’s skipper. She couldn’t allow that, so she just reacted. Maybe that was just an impulse, maybe there was too much bravado in it, but still, she had to react. And so she did._

_She took Kain, reprogrammed it and just shot. Not thinking much, not considering any possible outcomes. She knew that she had had to help her superior officer. She knew that at least one person in the crew would thank her for it. Such a shame that she had not eve considered Shepard’s herself thanking her as an option._

_The shot had done the job. Clarke pretty much was amazed of the force that weapon could provide, but then she saw that there was a giant hole in the deck. And they didn’t have much time before they all suffocate when she heard the alarm sirens that told her the airlocks were sealing to just separate the room out of the whole ship. Then Shepard came to action. She made a powerful biotic field that blocked the vacuity from storming in and taking all the air of the room. Not a long time after that, barely standing, she leaned on the wall and called for engineers and bots to take care of the hole ASAP. Then she just moved down, sitting on the floor for a while, just to take a breath. She hadn’t looked good. She was pale and bleeding, trying to stop the blood from flowing simply with her hands._

_“Everything’s all right, ma’am?” she asked, approaching her skipper. “You don’t look too well.”_

_“It’s all right, Griffin, I’m fine.” Shepard said, straightening her back, but Clarke knew what she saw. A lot of blood and deep wounds. Commander needed help, that was for sure._

_“But…” blonde tried to argue, although Shepard didn’t want to hear anything. She, even though suffering like hell, stood up, resisted the grin on her face and exhaled sharply, hiding her hands behind her._

_“I am grateful, Griffin, for saving my life. You did your work. Dismissed.”_

_“I…”_

_“I think we should take care of it for now on, ma’am.” The head engineer, Adams, approached them and Shepard nodded. “Although we can use the biotic field for a moment more, can you…”_

_“I can try to do it.” Clarke said._

_“I didn’t know that you could maintain…” he started, but Griffin interrupted him almost immediately. She didn’t want Shepard to drain out of energy. She wasn’t really confident with her biotics._

_“If she can handle it, well… excuse me.” Shepard nodded and she just left the engineering room as fast as she was able to. Griffin could see that she was suffering, that she tried to stand straight and pretend that she was fine, although she was totally not. Anyway, Clarke saw that commander needed rest and she wanted to give her opportunity to do so as soon as it was possible._

_“I can do a small biotic field, worry not.” she smiled, when her gaze set again on her interlocutor. “Maybe I am not on commander’s level, but…”_

_“A few are.” Engineer Adams smirked, waving his hand to just point the spots he wanted her to help. Clarke followed. “They say that she had an offer to actually join the asari commando.”_

_“But… isn’t the asari commando only for asari?” she raised her eyebrows, but he shook his head._

_“Everyone who can prove that she or he can shatter into pieces the whole truck can join them. Well, it’s said that Shepard can do that and even more.” He claimed, when they reached the place where engineers and bots were working with the remains of commander’s biotic field. Clarke exhaled, impressed and then she rolled up her sleeves._

“You should be pretty much satisfied with the fact that the hole was done, in other case Shepard would be dead, as well, probably, we all. And Saren would take over your girl and…”

“Okay, enough.” Joker sighed. “Just… get lost, Griffin.”

*

Normandy was on her way to Citadel’s docks when Clarke was sitting with one among the books she’d found in the library. She couldn’t focus on it though, still couldn’t understand how was it even possible that nobody knew what happened on Torfan. Why all that was classified, why nobody wanted the truth to be released, Shepard’s name cleared? At least at some part. The different thing was that she just thought that commander didn’t seem to care about that. And being heartless and ruthless woman made of titanium in other people’s eyes was just fine by her. What was more, it was even helping her with her actions. It was possible that this was the point.

*

_“Shit.” Shepard took off her ripped shirt. The fabric was already stuck to her skin, but she was aware that she couldn’t let it be there forever. She needed to take care of her wounds, just because the infection, if attacked, would kill her. She didn’t want to bother dr Chakwas, just because she knew how hard was for her not to be able to save Oriana’s life. Well, for all of them that was a punch right into their stomachs. Shepard was aware that her friend was right, she had other members in her crew, yet she couldn’t stop thinking about what could be if she actually had taken care of Oriana’s shields instead of forgetting about reminding her to not switch them off so soon._

_“She could have been living now.” She sighed, taking off her bandages she always had on her chest, clenching her teeth, just because she had to rip the fabric off her skin there was a lot of blood and when Shepard actually saw it, she had to sit down. She took the first aid kit and opened the bottle of the antiseptic. She exhaled, set her teeth and then just poured the liquid on her wounds, not even hissing. Pain was awful, but the only sign that she actually felt something was that it was visible how her jaw’s muscles work. She decided not to sew her wounds, counting on her ability to heal them, she took new bandages, covered her wounds with antiseptic gauze with some ointment and then she bandaged herself again, breathing heavily._

_She laid down on her bed and just closed her eyes. The flashes appeared, but she was too weak to react for them. All she wanted was to just get this over with. Even though she didn’t know how to do so._

*

For the past two days Clarke hasn’t seen Shepard, especially that time wasn’t so great – the casket with Oriana’s body was firstly in the cargo bay, waiting for the funeral on her homeworld, and then Shepard, with all the crew, right after giving away Saren to the Council flew on Amadene, to pass the casket in the hands of her parents. All of them were so sorry that it ended up like this, but Systems Alliance didn’t promise happy and calm future. On the contrary it was, to be honest.

The meeting with Oriana’s family wasn’t easy, but more pleasant than facing angry Collins. Okay, she was coping with all of it, but it seemed like the greater right to swear at her had Lawson’s family, not him. Yet Oriana’s parents didn’t show any lack of respect. Both of them was sad, that was obvious, elder woman, Ori’s mother, cried out loud what wasn’t surprising at all. Nobody is expecting that he or she will live longer than their children. Mister Lawson only nodded and both of Ori’s parents touched her casket. To say goodbye, simultaneously thanking Shepard for the returning of Oriana’s body. They didn’t have anything against her, they wasn’t angry at her, they didn’t say that she was terrible and that she disappointed them and that she failed as a skipper. There was no swearing. All the crew saluted and Octavia apologized that they weren’t able to help their daughter, even though Shepard had already did that. Oriana’s parents shook their heads and said, what was quite surprising, that they understand and they wouldn’t hold the grudge. It was as it should have been. Mister Lawson even shook Shepard’s hand wishing her good luck in her service. Also, he said that he hoped that she will take revenge for his daughter. Commander promised that she would and they parted way. Even Collins was behaving in civilized way and saved his moods for another time. All of the crew was grateful for that.

Since then Shepard was sitting inside her room, asking Joker to dock in the nearest space port. The problem was that the nearest was the Citadel and that was two days of flying.

Commander descended to engineering room, just to talk with one among few people who liked her. Heros was her crewmember from the beginning and, unlike the others, he was friendly towards her despite all the things that he had heard about her. She was grateful for that and they became, at least, good mates. Shepard lied on the wall in this room and she stared at the Normandy’s engine. Huge, shining with blue light, completely stable. Heros glanced at the commander and he didn’t smile this time.

„Everything all right?” he asked, coming back to his computer that he was working with. „You don’t seem to be happy, Shepard. That has something to do with Oriana, right?”

„Kind of.” Commander shrugged, sighing. Her wounds weren’t that bad by that time, also she took some morphine for the pain, so she wasn’t that bad.

„There is no point in blaming yourself for something that’s already fucked up, Shep.” he glanced at her, and on her face formed a little mocking smirk. Only Heros had the right to talk with her in that manner and not risk being punished for that. And that was all because she liked him. Okay, there was one more person allowed to have such conversations with her, that was Karin Chakwas, but she wasn’t willing to try, she was too kind.

Of course it didn’t mean that she didn’t like any crewmember she had. Among them all there was only one that she hated, the rest was okay. Maybe they weren’t trusting her so much, but they trusted her enough to live through missions. Till then.

„Could be.” she nodded, glancing at her feet from above her crossed arms. „But still, I could have done something to prevent that.”

„Are you fucking kidding me?” Heros snorted, shaking his head. „If I know life, and I do, nothing can hide from your attention.”

„Apart from that my girl shut off additional shields.”

„That’s not your fault.” engineer turned to her, leaving the engine for a while. He was sure that it will be fine. „Listen, Shepard. Despite all the things that they’re saying about you, you want the best for your people. I know that. You know that. They should, but not everyone wants to believe in that.” he was back to his console, but he was still observing his interlocutor. She didn’t move and her dark, tied up hair was reflexing engine’s light with healthy blinks. „It’s about Collins?”

„I can understand his disappointment.” commander shrugged. „But I can’t understand his attitude.”

„You know what is he driven by.” Heros stated with disgust. „You’re aware that he has problems with your rank and gender.”

„I haven’t thought that too big testicles could be such a problem.” she sighed theatrically and Heros chuckled. „Well, I should cope with that in some other way.”

„Maybe you would finally threw him out? You know, fire him?” he asked with hope, but she shook her head with resignation.

„I can’t. Because I’ve lost Oriana I would have too small crew. The Council would fuck me up in the blink of an eye and I would rather stand this down. Nobody from our crew should be punished for my mistakes...”

„...maybe apart from Collins.” Heros smirked, but commander didn’t answer. She shook her head disbelievingly, wondering what this man had in mind. She would rather not to ask. She nodded, smirking too. „We’re heading some concrete place?”

„Joker has no special choice, the closest docks are on the Citadel. The advantage for us is that some of us would be able to go and forget for a while.”

„You’re suggesting banging hoochies?”

„I start to wonder why are you talking about Collins all the time, Heros.” she raised her eyebrow and engineer blushed, but he didn’t say a word. Shepard nodded to him, thanking for the conversation when Joker announced that there is not so much time left for them to land on the Citadel.

Commander went to the upper deck, followed by careful gaze of her subordinate.

*

Landing on the Citadel was easy and smooth. Joker was called the best pilot in the damn galaxy not without a reason. Different thing that there was nowhere to spot the problems. Shepard gathered everyone on the bridge and she glanced at her crew.

„You have time to relax, I think that we shouldn’t be leaving the Citadel so quickly. The Council would want me to explain everything and what were the circumstances.” she stated and Collins set his fists.

„You really think that you’re the right person to explain this situation?” he snapped and commander glanced at him with antipathy that she didn’t even want to hide.

„Better than you, Serviceman.” she stared, shrugging. „At least I was there when it happened. Dismissed and no ding-dongs, is that clear?”

„Yeah.” he mumbled, but pushed with Shepard’s steel gaze he also spat: „Ma’am.”

Clarke glanced at her skipper and she sighed, wondering what was waiting for them on the Citadel and if people already knew about that situation. Information like these were spreading quite quickly, even if Shepard tried to control them, trying also to keep the privacy of her crew safe.

Going out of Normandy’s board was quick and smooth. Clarke stopped somewhere near the fence and she thought about the options she had. She could go to the casino, to the bar, to the park... she didn’t really know if she wanted to do anything.

Five minutes haven’t even passed since they stepped on the Citadel and Shepard was in the middle of the crowd of journalists. In front of them there was the one that Clarke already knew. She pointed at Shepard with the gesture of accusation.

„Khalisah Bint-Sinan Al-Jilani. We’ve heard what happened on Cenere.” she started without any scruples, but Shepard didn’t move. As she didn’t even care. „How you will comment that, commander Shepard?”

„Not at all.” she stated. „The dead are gone and they need respect after their death. I won’t be discussing that.”

„Do you think that if you would make different choices your crew would still be intact?” next question left Al-Jilani’s lips and but Shepard started breaking through the crowd, completely ignoring the reporter. Journalist didn’t want to give up. „Why did you let her die? Was it a neglect or an intentional action?”

„How dare you.” commander snapped, still walking straight ahead. She couldn’t stop, because the crowd would certainly eat her alive.

„Do you want to still follow your way from Torfan? You’ll send all your crew to death no matter what? Is that really this Commander Shepard’s heroic attitude?”

Shepard didn’t last. She rolled up her sleeves and she turned around in the speed of light. In her eyes there was fury and a steel simultaneously. Clarke had never seen her so enraged, even when Collins was overstating way too much. It didn’t herald anything good, the journalist had seen it too, but she didn’t want to back off from good material which she had. Or at least she thought she had.

The action was very quick. Al-Jilani wasn’t able to do any step back when Shepard’s fist hit her right into her face. She fell, whacking her butt and commander rolled down her sleeves and she put her hand into her pocket, taking out some kind of small disc and dexterously catching the camera that was flying in circles around the journalist. One smooth tug and all the shining diodes on the hardware died and the hardware itself made a sound that was a harbinger of hard reset.

„No comment.” Shepard snapped, looking at the woman who tried to stand up, mad as a bear with a sore head. „And I strongly advise you to leave my crew alone. They need a break.”

And she turned around and left. The crowd was letting her pass as it was afraid that Shepard could do to it the same thing as to Al-Jilani. Clarke understood commander and she fully supported her decision. Oriana and her family deserved peace. They needed to mourn, not to be exposed to the media just so this fucking journalist would be able to smear Shepard as the worst skipper of the year. And she called out Torfan that she probably didn’t know much about.

Commander disappeared quickly out of Griffin’s sight and she didn’t really know where should she go. She glanced at Octavia who was just moped around without any purpose or real direction and she decided to approach. Blake didn’t look so good, she had shadows under her eyes and her gaze wasn’t too awake, but even though she didn’t seem to be fully out of life. She was still functioning, but Clarke had an impression that it wasn’t functioning because of her free will.

„Hey, Octavia, everything’s all right?” she asked, approaching as much as she could. She caught Blake’s wrist to catch her attention and she succeeded when Octavia turned around to glance at her.

„Yeah, why?” she was a little bit surprised, but she was so exhausted that her scale of emotions was just basic.

„Because I have eyes and I can see what’s going on with you since Ori is not with us anymore. Octavia, please, I just want to help.”

„There is nothing to help with.” she shrugged and she gave Clarke a hint that she would rather want her to let her wrist go. „I don’t have much of a choice, it’s okay.”

„Please.” Griffin sighed, glancing at her crewmate carefully. „I can see...”

„Where are you going?” quick change of the subject didn’t pass through unseen, but Clarke understood that the path that she took from the beginning was a blind alley anyway. She sighed again and decided to let go for a while.

„I don’t have any idea... you know, I don’t even know this place. It’s possible that I will just go here and there, go for a walk, see the marketplace... usual things. You?”

„Probably to the bar.” Octavia nodded in the direction of Chora’s Den, the pub that seemed to be just a taproom. Clarke had never been there. „So... well, if we’re not heading the same place, let me just leave you here.”

And, not even bothering about saying something else, she just mingled into the crowd that was heading Chora’s Den too. Clarke sighed, but before she finished breathing out the air, she felt somebody accosting her. She turned around and she saw Roan.

„Hey, you’re doing something?” he asked, making her even more surprised than she was. This man had never left the Normandy if he didn’t have to. What was more, he was rather not to talk.

„Not really why are you asking?” looking for Octavia was pointless, she disappeared for good.

„Collins starts to slip again.” he stated. „If you have nothing to do, maybe we...”

„You want to follow him?” she asked, looking around, hoping that she would maybe see him. Serviceman wasn’t there.

„Not alone.”

„I’ll help you.” Clarke nodded and Roan smiled, catching her arm and pulling her gently into the unknown direction. „He should be somewhere on the other side of the Citadel. He is always going to the cargo bays, docks and so on. I had never had an opportunity to catch him in the place he was.

„There’s no time to waste.” Clarke passed by the crowd and she rolled up her sleeves. Both of them headed towards the direction that he set.

They were going in silence, delving more and more in Citadel’s meanders. Roan seemed to be quite sure of the direction, so Clarke was walking in silence, thinking that her companion would not want that.

She was surprised when Roan said something again.

„You’re all right, Clarke.” he said with slight smile on his face. Griffin glanced at him with a surprise, but she didn’t answer just because she didn’t know what to say. „I didn’t expect that from somebody who was assigned to such fucked up crew.”

„What do you mean saying »fucked up«?” she glanced at him with disbelief, trying not to jog any person she was passing by.

„You know, Collins is the most fucked up man on the Normandy, but you were able to see that.” he shrugged and she nodded. It was hard not to see that if he was still behaving like he couldn’t control himself. „Oriana was... clumsy, but always cheerful and friendly. Octavia is... individual, Joker is an asshole and I... well, you see.”

„Yea, you’re beating the records of communication lately.” she smiled under her nose. „It’s hard to tell if that’s really you.”

„And to all of this... our skipper.”

„You don’t like Shepard?”

„It’s not like that.” Roan pecked with impatience, quickly changing the direction. Clarke suspected that it was because of the direction he did the sound. „Shepard is... well, you can see yourself what she’s like, because I have an impression that you’re around her all the time.”

„It’s highly unlikely to tell that she’s ordinary.” Clarke snorted with a smile.

„That’s it. She’s tough and sometimes hard to understand, but in the end she wants the best for us and Collins... he’s shitting into his own nest. You know, Shepard didn’t want to have anybody else in her crew... and then she did it. She chose you. I thought that if she had finally found a person suitable for her needs she or he would be more irritable than Collins, but it turned out that I was wrong.” he stated, glancing at his crewmate. „It’s good to see that there are normal marines.”

„I’m glad that you’re not treating me as a stranger.” Griffin nodded and looked around. They have just descended to the Citadel’s underground and Collins’ silhouette was somewhere in front of them. They had to be more careful then, because the crowd wasn’t no longer a place to hide.

„You’re with us for more than half a year and Octavia and Ori were treating you as our own from the beginning. You have this thing that is not allowing people to dislike you. Even I started talking to you.” he snorted with laughter and Griffin did the same, nodding.

„True is that.”

Roan pulled her behind the corner of the corridor when he noticed that Collins was turning around. Their backs stuck to the wall, praying that he wouldn’t see them. The corridor they’ve just entered was empty. After a while there were another steps and both of them could breathe out. They tilted and saw that Collins disappeared.

„Shit.” Roan hissed and she started running straight ahead. Clarke followed, but for nothing, Collins wasn’t there.

„Fuck.” Griffin groaned. „Fuck this bitch!”

But swearing didn’t help them find him.

*

Shepard wasn’t the one to punch the reporters, she was mad at herself for what she’d done. She knew that she couldn’t react that expressively, especially that she was always capable of controlling her emotions.

She raised the glass and sipped from it. It wasn’t really high percentage brew, because she was aware that if anybody have seen boozed she would end up poorly. Especially when the Council was still observing her.

Talking business with them wasn’t making her happy. The Council always did everything to just set her down, even though before they gave her promotion and a crew. She had never wanted to mingle into politics, but the politics mingled sometimes into her life and that was shitty. She had to give full report of the situation from Cenere. The Council didn’t give a fuck about Collins’ behavior. They were interested only in the tragedy that happened. The problem was that Shepard didn’t have the strength to tell this story again and again. However she had to... and she was beating herself with the memories all the time anyway.

She couldn’t get rid of the thought s and pictures from the mission that her crewmember lost her life. The journalist hit her with Torfan and Shepard was still thinking about that events. She was wondering about what she had done wrong, what she could have done better, differently. She tried to find some way out of that situation, some hole in her plan, in procedures, still convinced that all of that was her fault. The problem was that no matter from what side she tried to bite this, all of it appeared perfectly planned. It was the worst situation of all and she was aware that it would be like this — she was always planning things according to the procedures, always perfectly, always with a way out. No matter how badly she wanted it to be her fault, it wasn’t. What happened, happened because Ori turned off her shields too soon.

„Fuck my life.” she thought, trying to analyze the situation once again and again, to the end, until she had enough, second after second, minute after minute, hoping that maybe it would change something. She knew that it was pointless. The facts were ruthless: Oriana was dead and time couldn’t be turned back.

Shepard hated losing her crew, especially when she was close to them. She didn’t admit it to no one, but she didn’t have any family, she treated her crew as one. Of course she held them strictly, because safety first. She couldn’t forgive herself for what happened. If she had taken care of them better, she would have full crew then. She was packed with painkillers for her wounds and she knew that this should be the problem, but the wounds didn’t want to heal that good and Shepard had to do something with it, just because hat was just making her daily life harder. Pain, blood, this kind of things, she couldn’t allow it to even be present there. And then she was sitting and drinking.

She put the glass back on the table and she glanced at the woman sitting two chairs to the right. She immediately recognized Octavia. She was kind, always cheerful and full of joy, she usually irritated her so much with her optimistic attitude, because Shepard herself was more a pessimist. She knew that Blake was very attached to Lawson and the loss that Normandy had was huge. She understood that attachment could really change the perspective, especially when she was aware that Octavia was one of the most sensitive members of the crew.

She seemed to be slightly blootered, but after a while of close observation Shepard noticed that she was actually legless. She was staggering and she started to pass out. Commander sighed, ended her drink, bottoms up, left a bill under the glass and she was out of the hoker and she approached her subordinate. Octavia deflected and if it wasn’t for Shepard, she would certainly hit the floor. Her skipper caught her crewmember and glanced at her disbelievingly. She tried to say something to her, but she didn’t succeed. Blake was mumbling something under her nose, all happy, thinking that some kind of angel was carrying her. Shepard shook her head, aware of that she would have to carry her back to the Normandy, because she wasn’t able to move on her own.

She was ready to leave the bar, but the bartender accosted her.

„Excuse me, but...”

„The check, isn’t it?” she glanced at the salarian that was looking at her with his huge, green eyes and he nodded. Commander took out some bills, she didn’t even know how much Octavia drank and she handed the money to the bartender. „Is that enough?”

He counted them, nodded and he raised his pawed, three fingered hand to announce that he would be right back with the change, but Shepard waved her hand and she caught her crewmember in the way that firefighters do and she left the bar. With relief she noticed that nobody was looking at her. Leaving like this from Chora’s Den were actually quite common.

The return to the Normandy wasn’t problematic, because Octavia wasn’t so heavy and Shepard was used to carry heavier weights on the distance much longer than this one.

Commander was aboard the ship and she immediately headed towards the med bay. She met the asking sight of dr Chakwas.

„What happened?” she glanced at Octavia, because her senseless limbs were just swinging on Shepard’s sides. She approached one of the beds and she set Octavia on it in quite careful and tender way.

„She just drank too much.” commander stated. „She’s lucky that I caught her, if I wouldn’t you would have to take care of head injury. Probably a concussion.”

„The skipper always taking care of her crew.” Chakwas smiled, but Shepard shook her head.

„What a pity that not about everyone.” she stated with unfriendly manner in her voice, but the doctor decided not to comment. Shepard was peevish, at least in issues that included Torfan. What a pity that only she knew.

„I will make her useful again.” Chakwas nodded. „Commander, please, take a rest. Visits on the Citadel are not serving you well lately.”

 _They have never served me well._ Shepard thought, but she remained silent, just leaving the med bay. _At least she isn’t badly wounded._ She added, pressing her wounded chest just to make sure the painkillers still work. They did.

Shepard couldn’t do more than a five steps when Clarke approached her. She didn’t seem to be drunk, so commander assumed that it wouldn’t be a problem that all the crew went out to get screwed.

„Commander? Commander, can I take a few minutes of your time?” Griffin asked but when Shepard turned in her direction she thought that the answer wouldn’t be positive. Her skipper was looking like she was totally exhausted but it was just a moment that she needed to hail her usual, indifferent face expression.

„Of course, I’m listening.” she stated, clearing her throat and lying her hand on her belt. Clarke was amazed how badly this woman didn’t want anybody in her crew to feel dilapidated. Griffin sighed, because she wasn’t so sure if she wanted to exhaust her skipper more than it was necessary, but she felt that it couldn’t wait.

„It’s about Collins.” she stated. „He’s behaving... strangely.”

„What do you mean by »strangely?«” Shepard raised her eyebrow and Clarke started to breach her fingers.

„He’s like... nervous and full of energy. More than usually, he is messing like fucked up, he can’t find himself a place and he doesn’t know what is going on around him... he’s... strange.”

„Okay, so it’s time to intervene.”: Shepard sighed, rolling up her sleeves and heading towards the stairs to the upper deck. Clarke followed her, observing her back all the time.

 _How is it possible that she is attracting me even though I don’t know shit about her?_ she was asking herself, but she was remaining silent with her eyes fixed on her skipper. Shepard approached the quarter’s door and she turned to Griffin.

„He’s here?” she pointed at the door and Clarke nodded, not being able to even say a word. She didn’t even know why was that.

Commander didn’t wait for more. She entered the room and she was lucky to see Collins lifting up the chair to just throw it through the floor. It was quite funny, because he bended almost in half, but the piece of furniture rested in his superior’s hand. And, what was more, he needed two hands, she needed only one.

„What the fuck?” he snapped and he turned around to face Shepard. She needed only one look into his eyes to notice that he was totally lit. He had never done that to him before so much. And this time he did one step too many.

Commander threw him to the wall immediately and pushed him to it with her forearm, blocking his possibility to get away. Clarke opened her eyes wider, because maybe Shepard was tall, but Collins seemed to be stronger than her. And he was a man.

„What’s going on?” Roan, like a ghost, appeared behind Clarke. Shepard decided to use their presence. A fortiori that they were with whole group, because Octavia wasn’t even capable of mumbling her name.

„What did you take?” Shepard asked, pushing him harder.

„Nothing.”

„What did you take?” she repeated the question, looking right into his lit eyes. „Don’t even try to lie to me, because I won’t believe you.”

„Mind your own fucking business.” he snapped and Shepard shook her head.

„You don’t want to play peacefully then we will play differently. My way.” she smiled antipathically. „Roan, Griffin, look through his stuff.” she ordered and her crewmembers rushed to action.

„You have no right!” he started to lacerate, but Shepard with one move caught him by the collar, turned around and pushed brutally to the wall, pushing him harder with her knee.

„Yes, I have.” she snapped, not even slightly tired of the action. „Because we’re suspecting that you have illegal substances with you.”

„You’ve got nothing on me!”

Shepard wasn’t listening to his shouts and started to rummage his pockets. In the same moment when her fingers met little sack in the pocket on his chest, Clarke pulled out the bottle very similar to the one that Shepard had bought from Saren. Everyone knew how Saren ended.

„What’s that?” commander asked, showing the bottle to him.

„Medicine.”

„Medicine?” she snorted.

„Medicine.”

„For what?”

„Headache.” his answers were token and his intonation was telling Shepard that he was lying. „Not your concern.”

„Griffin, to dr Chakwas with it, now.” commander pointed the bottle in Clarke’s hand. Clarke nodded and she left the room immediately. In the meantime Shepard caught Collins and pulled him out of the wall. „I don’t know what he took, but I have to go to the med bay to talk with our doctor. Roan, would you take him to the cell dock?”

„Box again?” he asked and Shepard nodded.

„If you’ll be that kind.”

„With pleasure, commander.”

They parted way rather quickly. Shepard ran towards the mad bay immediately, having the sack with powder in one hand. She didn’t know what was that, but she entered the med bay and she closed the door behind her. One gaze in Octavia’s direction was enough to see that her subordinate was getting better under the drip. She was sleeping at the moment.

„What happened? What is that, commander?” dr Chakwas asked, pointing at the bottle that she received from Clarke.

„It’s me to ask what’s that.” Shepard threw on the table the sack she had in her hand and she glanced at Normandy’s medic. „Collins is behaving and looking as somebody that used red sand.

„What? Hard drugs onboard?”

„I don’t like it either.” she shook her head. „Can you check it out, Chakwas? As soon as possible?”

„Sure. I told you, you should take a rest.” medic sighted and Shepard shrugged, but she wasn’t fast enough to answer.

„That’s my fault.” Clarke stated and all the eyes in the room glanced at her.

„Pardon?”

„I asked commander for an intervention, so it’s my fault that she didn’t...”

„Oh, okay, I forgive you.” Chakwas waved her hand. „So now, Griffin, I am asking you for an intervention. You will take your superior to her cabin and make sure that she would sleep at least for an hour, without having breaks and in the meantime I will take care of what I have to take care of.”

„Aye, aye, ma’am.” Clarke nodded and she glanced at Shepard. „Commander...”

„I thought that was me to give you orders.” she stated sarcastically, but Griffin felt a little bit more confident.

„If it would influence your effectiveness... I would rather listen to dr Chakwas.” she smiled charmingly and she took her skipper out of the med bay. „Don’t be mad, commander, I didn’t mean to...”

„Enough.” Shepard waved her hand. She didn’t say that Griffin is dismissed though, and that reaction would be the most expected from her. She let her younger subordinate to escort her to upper deck and she opened the door to her cabin. She had not strength for anything and she hoped to just lay down and sleep. On the other hand she was aware that sleep wouldn’t come easy. It never did.

Clarke didn’t comment anything that she saw in that room; distinctions and medals, big ass aquarium with huge amount of different fish, quite neat design and the collection of ship models. What was hitting her the most was that this cabin was deprived of any personal stuff as photos or something. Griffin didn’t know why, but she wasn’t sure if she should ask. She had an impression that she was one among a little group of people that were able to see that place.

She forced Shepard to sit on her broad bed and she glanced at the woman who seemed completely exhausted at the moment.

„Everything’s all right, commander?” she asked, but her skipper shrugged and then she nodded. However, she didn’t really care about what her subordinate would think about her. „You said that Collins and red sand...”

„I have not got any proof for this.” Shepard sighed and in that moment her comm started beeping. With one tap she opened the line and dr Chakwas’ face appeared.

„I knew that you didn’t even think about going to sleep.” she sighed. „You’re like a child. You’ll certainly die out of exhaustion one day.”

„Got something?”

„This is not red sand.” she stated. „Neither one, nor the other. Some painkillers and talcum powder in the bottle. I’m sorry. I will have to examine Collins.”

„Thanks.” Shepard nodded and ended the conversation. She sighed and hid her face in her hands. Clarke shyly sat next to her and lied her hand on her shoulder.

„Are you sure that...?”

„Of course. I’ve seen many times how people are behaving under the influence of this shit.” commander snapped, but she didn’t jerked her shoulder. Clarke took it as a good sign.

„Maybe it’s not worthy to be so concerned about that? He would finally make a mistake. He has to.”

„How you can be so sure?” Shepard raised her eyebrow and she glanced at her crewmember. Griffin felt a hot shiver running down her spine. She could explain it, but... she was afraid to do so. She didn’t want this thought to get through her, but she was aware that there would come the time when she would have to.

„It’s Collins.” she shrugged. „He’s making mistakes like all the time. It’s just a matter of time.”

„I hope that you’re right, Petty Officer.” Shepard sighed. „Without the proves I have nothing on him and I need a real ace up my sleeve to get rid of him. I don’t know if we won’t be blocked by the Council, but I think that Collins pissed our... your asses to be specific. It’s logical that we don’t want him here any longer.”

„Well said.” Clarke nodded, trying not to notice her commander’s sharp jawline. She was aware that it would certainly look badly, but she couldn’t resist but to glance at her from time to time, because this jawline was looking surprisingly good and... sexy?

Griffin caught herself on thinking about how deviant would be slitting the throats with such sharp jaw. She scolded herself eventually and she recalled the fact that she didn’t even know if Shepard was interested in women... or in her. Well, there were millions of women all over the galaxy.

„Maybe... maybe I can help somehow? You know, commander. I am the crew, Collins has some problems towards me, but I think he will be able to smell that somebody’s following him.”

„If you’re willing to play this... I’ll gladly take your help.” Shepard nodded as if she was desperate. „But I don’t know if this would do anything. Previous situations didn’t prove anything.”

Clarke stiffed.

„You know about...?”

„There are a few things that are happening here, on the Normandy that I don’t know about.” Shepard snorted with quiet, cold laugh and it make Clarke shiver again. „You really need to remember about that before you would be sitting on the Citadel again, observing me form the bench.”

„You...”

„Yes, I saw you. I don’t need to look exactly in the direction to see or observe something of somebody, Griffin.” Clarke couldn’t say if her skipper was smiling or not, on the other hand she was aware that Shepard had never smiled. Everyone was concerned if she could do it at all. „Can you tell me why?”

„I...” Griffin took too much air into her lungs, but Shepard’s look didn’t make her more confident. On the contrary, she felt an ice cold sweat streaming down her neck. She rubbed down that place and she decided to step back immediately. „I’d better go.”

She was aware that it wasn’t tactical at all. She just fled, blushing hardly as a fucking virgin that was finally honoured by the attention of her first crush that started to look at her in the way slightly different than just friendly. She ran to the deck with crew quarters and then she entered the room where she was living in and then she closed the door. She lied heavily on the wall and she heavily sighed, shaking her head full of disbelief, feeling the warmth that was surrounding her. _Holy shit, what’s wrong with me?_ She thought, deflecting back and lying her head on the doorframe. She couldn’t believe in what she had inside of her when she was looking at Shepard.

The worst of all was that commander certainly saw that, there wasn’t any other option. Her outlandish reaction had to be seen. Clarke felt such a shame that she hadn’t felt before, she felt like she just scored the worst shame of the century. Or a millennium.

*

A few hours later Clarke was out of the shower, still couldn’t shake off her shame. If she stayed, it was almost sure that she would be able to talk with commander more sincerely, intimately, maybe she would be able to check out if there was any possibility to be friends or so... Shepard didn’t trust a lot of people, but Clarke had an impression that they got closer during this more than half a year together on the Normandy. And now she screwed things up a lot.

She dressed herself and she mentally got prepared for conversation with her commander. She had to apologize for her childish behavior, especially because she didn’t want anything that was between them to be destroyed.

Unfortunately, looking for Shepard wasn’t effective. Captain’s cabin was empty, Shepard vanished into thin air. In the med bay Clarke met only dr Chakwas and Octavia who was getting better and better and all that had left of her drinking adventure was a slight headache because of hangover. In the engineering room Heros was celebrating his loneliness, Collins was making a riot in his box, Roan was in the library and all the rest of the ship was calm. And that was a pity that Shepard wasn’t in any of places that Clarke had visited.

„I don’t have a clue where she can be.” Griffin shrugged, wondering what exactly could happen to her superior. She headed towards the place where Joker was always sitting. And she sighed when she noticed that, from afar, Shepard wasn’t there either.

„You need something, Clarke?” he got her back on the Normandy. She glanced at him, but he wasn’t looking at her.

„I... no, I was looking for Shepard, but I can see that she’s not here, so...:

„Wait, wait.” he smiled and pointed the armchair near him. Griffin, not thinking much, just sat and looked out through the window.

„Stunning view.” she stated, fascinated. She had never looked out of the Normandy through the window. She didn’t even think how beautiful the galaxy could be... even if they were just standing in the Citadel’s docks. There were tall buildings, huge places and crowds. Clarke sighed.

„Indeed, yet it’s not so stunning as you can see when we’re flying.” he grinned. „So, why are you looking for our skipper?”

„Ah... just because. I wanted to talk to her. But I looked for her through the whole Normandy and I didn’t see her. Maybe she’s out of the deck and somewhere among that crowd.” she pointed the view outside the window. „In other way... I don’t know.”

„I can vouch that commander is onboard.”

„How so?” Clarke glanced at him with surprise and Joker glanced at her. His eyes were smiling to her, but Griffin didn’t have any idea why was that.

„Look there.” he pointed the area somewhere between his legs, but when he saw her face expression he laughed and shook his head. „Lower, more to the front of the ship. Come on, it’s not a disgusting joke.”

„Knowing you I shouldn’t be so sure.” she smiled with hesitation and she did as she was advised, took the risk. She glanced under the control panel and she smiled widely when she saw what she was supposed to see.

On the floor, in the place that wouldn’t be available for normal human, commander Shepard was lying. She had her knees bend and lifted, although one of them was slightly going back to the floor, she was covering her eyes with her right forearm and she used her left arm as a pillow. Her chest was rising and falling steadily in the rhythm of calm breath. Clarke smiled even wider. She straightened her back and she glanced with surprise at Joker.

„She’s sleeping there?” she asked, even though she knew the answer.

„Indeed.” pilot nodded and he sat back on his armchair. „She’s coming there when she has a problem, so recently she’s here quite often. She says that this place calms her down. Engine isn’t loud, but it vibrates in specific way.

„You want to say that...?”

„Shepard rarely sleeps in her own cabin.” Joker smiled wildly, winking to Clarke. She nodded. The mystery why inside Shepard’s cabin was so clean and tidy had been resolved. She wasn’t really there. „It’s more possible that you’d find her here.”

„You don’t mind?”

„Not at all.” he waved his hand. „She sleeps calmly and she didn’t mumble while doing it. She’s calm and I usually forget that she’s there. She’s quite characteristic.

„I can tell.” Griffin sighed, not even trying to hide her smile.

„If she wants to fall asleep, she comes here. If she needs to focus, she’s going on the lower deck, to engineering room and she’s taking place as close to the engine as it’s possible. You know, she’s a real warrior. The silence harbinges danger.” he shrugged and Clarke nodded. „You want me to wake her up for you?”

„No, please.” she suddenly shook her head. „Let her sleep. She seems not to use this too often.”

Joker didn’t comment that, but both of them knew that she was right. Shepard was permanently woozy, it was slightly visible on her face, because she didn’t use make-up. Even though she didn’t seem to be exhausted, her eyes were telling otherwise. Problems with Collins, Oriana’s death, mean journalists following her every time that they were on the Citadel, The Council observing her... all that didn’t count as friendly environment. Even if she was trying to use the benevolence of sleeping above the engine as often as Joker was telling her, Shepard just didn’t have much time for sleep, especially when she tried to satisfy every one person that wanted to talk to her. Clarke didn’t know if she was capable of helping her.

„Right.” Joker slightly smiled. „You want to wait for her to wake up I assume?”

„It you don’t mind...”

„Not at all.” he stretched a little, trying not to break his bones. „There are a few people that are visiting me. Most of the time I’m alone here... yeah, maybe apart from the moments when I have sleeping commander under my feet.”

Clarke laughed, so did Joker. It seemed to be quite normal, at least for a little while. She could forget for a moment about the loss, about all the problems that appeared.

„You have an impression that everything’s falling apart too?” he finally asked her, as if he was reading her mind.

„You mean?”

„You know, first Ori, now Collins is coming here totally lit and get caught...”

„You won’t say that you have something against that.” she snorted, but Joker shook his head.

„Not at all, he should have been fired from the very beginning. We’re flying together for a few years now and everyone got promoted, of course apart from him. Much likely he didn’t want it and that all he cares about is shitting into his own nest.”

„You have no idea how often I hear those words when someone is talking about him.” she sighed and Joker nodded with resignation.

„Because with him there are problems like that. This man is totally not suited for military service.”

„I heard that too.”

„Is there anything that you hadn’t hear?” he glanced at her.

„That Collins is kind.” she shrugged and Joker laughed. In the same moment they heard loud rumble.

„What was that?” Clarke stood up and looked around, trying to pinpoint the source of loud groan, but the pilot shook his head and he pointed between his legs again.

„She’s always waking up like that.” he winked, trying to hide his nervous jump when he heard the rumble. „I am always almost shitting myself when she does, because I have an impression that Normandy is just falling apart, but then I am ready for the zombie to come out.”

„If you say so.” Clarke laughed when Shepard crawled out from under the pilot’s console. She didn’t seem to be tumbled, but she wasn’t so relaxed either. Clarke’s face, when she saw commander Shepard’s curly and standing still mohawk, all blushed.

„Why so shortly this time, commander?” he asked, glancing into her woozy dark eyes and Shepard hid the yawn. She was looking so vulnerable and... normally. Griffin was surprised that commander who was usually so cold, seemed to be bittersweet and unsatisfied... could seem so human.

„I couldn’t sleep this time somehow... Petty Officer Griffin?”

„Commander.” Clarke didn’t let her distract her, despite the fact that she was looking not so majestic as always. „Is everything okay?”

„Indeed.” Shepard straightened her back and grinded her shirt. She was looking really good and Griffin’s eyebrow couldn’t stay where it was. Commander was way more attractive when there wasn’t her usual indifference on her face. Although there was a slight grimace of pain on her face. „Joker?”

„All’s good.” he smiled, nodding. „Clarke had a business to you, commander.”

„Oh, really?” Shepard raised her eyebrow, glancing at Griffin who blushed again and she fixed her gaze on her boots. Skipper thought that if she wanted to talk they should do it in the more private place than pilot’s place. And she was almost sure that her subordinate wanted to talk about their previous conversation and that wasn’t the topic to discuss with Joker around. Gossip and teasing — that was what he could do best. In that situation Shepard didn’t have any other option. „Follow me then.”

She headed to the upper deck and Clarke was following her, wondering how this would end. They left totally Joker’s possibility of hearing things and they went to the upper deck.

„You had something to discuss.” Shepard turned around, lied on the wall and crossed her arms. Clarke glanced at her with disbelief and she tried to control her breath.

„Yes, commander... I... I wanted to... apologize.”

„Apologize?” Shepard seemed to be surprised for the first time. „For what?”

„For this situation few hours ago.” Clarke stated, deciding to continue and to not let her commander’s look make her shiver and unable to talk. „You asked me about something and I didn’t answer. I fled. I’m sorry.”

„So it wasn’t a tactical withdrawal?” Shepard raised her eyebrows, but she opened the door to her cabin. When Clarke didn’t say a word, she pointed the door. „Come on, let us talk in private.”

Griffin nodded and she passed by her superior, entering the room. Shepard was right behind her and then there was hissing informing that the door was closed. Shepard sat on her desk, still having crossed arms, she glanced at Clarke. Younger woman sighed and she felt that she was getting warm. Again.

„No, ma’am. I panicked.”

„Why?” Shepard didn’t seem to have fun, maybe because she had never looked like that, but the manner in her voice suggested something different. As she knew that something’s was in the air.

And that was exactly like that. Shepard was still wondering what Griffin was talking and thinking about. She was kind and she liked people in general, but in the beginning she seemed more like afraid of her skipper than interested in her. Also commander herself didn’t seem to want to know Clarke better than she did studying her dossiers. It turned out that Griffin was always having Shepard’s back, even when the rest of the crew didn’t want to be on neither side. Shepard would understand if the young one would not meant to engage, especially because in the arguments with Collins it was tough to choose the side. It wasn’t strange, because Collins was so characteristic that some people just didn’t want to have him near. And Clarke didn’t give a single fuck about that. She didn’t care

In Clarke was something that was making Shepard not really knowing what she should think about her. She was pretty, very pretty, but... Shepard knew that she wasn’t the best part for anybody. Not after Torfan.

„I... I don’t know.”

„I will know when you’re lying.” Shepard said and Griffin sighted.

„I...” she started and then blocked herself as if she wasn’t capable of saying anything. She was shy, right, but that situation was making her heart crazily hammering. She wanted to tell the truth, but it was so hard, especially when she knew that her words could change everything that was between her and commander. For better or worse... the problem was that the chances were divided quite equally for both sides, but Clarke thought that Shepard’s answer would be rather for the „no” option.

„Griffin... Clarke. Please.” Shepard used Clarke’s name for the first time. She greeted that with surprise yet with pleasant emotions. She glanced at her superior whose gaze wasn’t like her usual one. There was anxiety and authentic concern in her eyes. „You can tell me the truth.”

„Commander, I...” Clarke sighed, looking at her superior and she finally decided to bet everything on one card.

She didn’t know how much she could do. She didn’t know how she should act and if Shepard was feeling anything for her. The signs that she was receiving from her weren’t clear. She didn’t want to turn out as an idiot, but something inside of her was making her cheeks burning with red every time her eyes met Shepard’s. And not only in situations like these.

Shepard, on the other hand, didn’t know what to think about all that. She really liked Clarke’s everything, but commander didn’t know what she would be able to offer her. She didn’t even know if Griffin felt the same about her. Above all, she just thought that relationships inside the crew were not professional. Problem was only one and neither of them was aware of it: they both wanted the same thing. They both thought about that, but they tried to just fuck that. This time Shepard wanted to know the truth, because suspicion is one thing and being sure was the other. She straightened her back, feeling her slowly and not so willingly healing wounds, standing in the military pose, hiding her hands behind her back.

„I saw you observing and surveying me. Do you have any concerns about the story I had told you?” she didn’t really know what could happen between them. And Griffin was still silent. Shepard didn’t even thought about her subordinate having troubles with telling about her problem. And she couldn’t know what was that about.

Clarke felt her heart rate fastening. She swallowed hard, because looking at her superior wasn’t so easy. Despite the pretty yet very strict face Clarke didn’t really know where she should be looking not to be considered staring. Shepard had a lot of scars, some of them was more visible. But she looked outstanding.

Clarke tried to rally, get rid of the thoughts and she glanced shyly at her skipper.

„I...” she stopped again.

„You probably heard a lot of gossip about me.” commander stated eventually, smiling sadly. „There is quite a huge amount of them here. The question is, what did you hear.”

„What...? No!” she wasn’t really convinced if she wanted to answer this question. Different case was that she didn’t believe in any of them. And she wasn’t capable of saying anything.

„Come on, Griffin. We all know that apart from Blake and maybe Heros, dr Chakwas or Joker you won’t meet on Normandy a person that is friendly to me. Especially when you’re serving with Collins.”

„True, he’s not the best companion here.” Clarke snorted. „But it’s not the point, commander. I... I understand that you’re probably thinking that I might not believe in your story when people around me are telling the stories and yours is not really known by anybody, but... I believe you.”

„So I am glad to hear that. However I have an impression that not all is okay. I don’t know what, something’s wrong? Torfan...”

„No, commander.” Clarke stopped her superior’s words, rising her hands. „It’s not about Torfan.”

„Ah.” Shepard glanced at Griffin and she furrowed her eyebrow. „So what it’s all about?”

„Okay, I think that it wouldn’t make any sense...” Clarke blushed and she started to walk in the cabin, she was so close to her superior, praying for her skipper not to threw her away from the room. But she decided that she only lived once.

She didn’t say a word, she just approached Shepard in one moment and she pulled her gently to her and their lips met. Clarke was aware that it could end with a rebuke, but she couldn’t resist, she wanted to try, to taste it.

Her lips had very specific taste. A little bit spicy as if she had some condiment there. It tasted a little bit sweet and had a little bit lemon scent. Connected with her warmth pulsing from her... it was perfect. She knew that it could end in any moment. She could have even lost her job. In some part she didn’t want that, but in the other... she was young. She could find another one. But it was worth it.

Shepard had doubts firstly. She didn’t really know what to expect, but when Clarke kissed her so suddenly, she was surprised but also relieved. She knew that wasn’t professional, but... she was in captain’s cabin. They were safe there. Nobody was judging, nobody was disturbing.

They were both surprised when Shepard’s hand caught Clarke’s waist and pulled her closer to the heat that was pulsing from her. Commander returned the kiss.

Their hands found each other very quickly. Clarke felt tense muscles in Shepard’s back. The older one was caressing her neck. In some point Griffin let her superior to kiss her jawline.

„Commander...” she wasn’t able to speak normally when her skipper’s lips were caressing her neck. On her voice’s sound they immediately stopped. Big, warm eyes glanced at her and watched her carefully.

„Something happened?” in Shepard’s voice there was a slight hint of anxiety. She was anxious, a lot, but she didn’t show that. It was quite possible that Clarke would claim that it was all a mistake.

„I... I don’t know if I... if you...

„What it’s all about? You think that’s a mistake?”

„No, but...” she shook her head to let her superior know that she didn’t think that. „I don’t know if I can...” she stated shyly, not even looking at her companion.

„You can what?” she started to think what she had done wrong.

„I don’t know if... this.”

And she kissed her again, harder, more passionately, deeply. She wanted to prove that she could think about everything, but not about it as a mistake. She had done a lot of stupid things during her life, but kissing her superior wasn’t one of them. That was different: this was one of the best things she’d ever done.

Clarke wasn’t aware that commander could smile, she have never seen that, but when they were kissing she certainly felt that Shepard did that. Younger woman’s hands bravely let themselves underneath commander’s shirt and they didn’t meet any resistance. Even though Griffin decided to ask.

„May I...?”

„Permission granted.” Shepard’s warm breath caressed her ear and Clarke shivered. Following the shiver, commander’s fingers quickly found their way underneath Clarke’s shirt.

They took off the shirts almost simultaneously. The kiss was broken for a while, but only for couple of seconds and their lusty lips were back together like two halves of a magnet. Clarke couldn’t resist but to learn Shepard’s body. In some point her fingers spotted material. It wouldn’t be so strange, but it wasn’t a bra tissue. Griffin gently broke the kiss to see her superior’s chest.

„Bandages?” she asked quietly and Shepard sighed. That wasn’t really strange, because she knew that her skipper was wounded, but these badages looked different. Like… suppressing ones. A simple hand’s tug had shown quite big asymmetry.

„I didn’t come back in one piece from Torfan.” she stated shrugging. Suddenly she seemed to be backed off. In the dim light of the cabin Clarke could see a lot of scars after the battles.

„You want to say...”

Shepard nodded. Between her breasts there were dog tags with her personal data and N7 sign. But instead of getting stuck they were freely hanging, hitting the flat space on the right side of Shepard’s chest. Commander had lost her breast during the fight. She seemed to be ashamed of that, as she didn’t want to talk about that and Clarke understood that, but she didn’t think that there was something wrong with that.

„I was always attracted to strong women.” she smiled and Shepard glanced at her with a spark in her eyes. „Always.”

„You’re suggesting that...”

„Indeed.” Clarke smiled and she kissed her skipper again, leaning against her chest. She hoped that she didn’t messed things up, that she didn’t screw anything.

And she didn’t.

When their lips met again, Shepard caught Griffin with her strong arms, lifted her and encased her legs around her hips and then she moved them straight to her bed.

*

„Christ...” Clarke moaned, squirming under the touch of her superior. She couldn’t take control neither over her body, nor over her voice. Everything she had ever control of now failed her. „Commander... ma’am...”

„I’m not ma’am anymore. Not in here.” in Shepard’s voice there was a fond satisfaction because of what she was doing... and, first of all, satisfaction because of the effect of her actions. „You can call me Lexa. But only when nobody else is near.”

„Lexa...” Clarke moaned, frantically nodding with her breasts rising and falling in the spasms of breaths. Her face was happy and breezy yet red, blown and sweaty. Shepard liked that look very much. And she liked the moans as well, they were magical. „LEXA!”

The shout bogged in her throat and then was received by Shepard’s lips when she kissed her. She was very satisfied with effect of her work, but she would rather not risk that everybody would learn something that she had reserved for special ones in her life. She felt stinging on her back when Griffin banged her nails in and a moment after that her body unwillingly lifted because of Lexa’s touch, so Clarke’s nails marked the way of deep, bloody grooves on her back. Loud groan was let out of her throat and she stuck to her superior’s body, but Shepard didn’t stop. She felt Clarke’s tender and soft breasts on her bandages, she was hearing and feeling her heavy breathing, quiet sighs mixed with moans that she tried to leash. She felt her warmth subduing to her every move. She felt the strength that was coming from it.

„Jesus... commander...” she moaned eventually, but Shepard didn’t even think about stopping when she saw that the young one didn’t have enough yet. Her movements didn’t change a lot, but she felt that Griffin’s arousal was bigger with every minute. „Please... d-don’t... d-don’t s-stop... L-Lexa...”

So Shepard didn’t stop.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're here. Another month, another chapter. And I hope that you liked it. This is so far the longest chapter I've written on that work, so I hope you didn't get bored. :)
> 
> Thank you so much for all kudos and comments!
> 
> Take care and see you soon!


	8. Betrayal

„Sometimes I wonder how my life would look like if I didn’t go to the military school.” Clarke sighed, lying on her skipper’s warm chest. They both were in bed, half-covered, breathing calmly, getting together. Griffin’s fingers were tracing Shepard’s chest scars and commander smiled.

“I’m not used to »what if’s«…” she stated, glancing at her companion. She had an impression that all of that was too beautiful to be real. Clarke had exactly the same impression. However they both hoped that it wouldn’t end on that one time. “…so I won’t tell you. But I assume you came up with some idea?”

„I wouldn’t get to know you, that’s for sure.” Griffin smiled widely and kissed commander’s neck.

“You regret?”

“No, as long as…” she stopped, not really knowing if she wanted to say the words of unease, but Shepard deducted what was going on immediately. She sighed.

“…as long as I won’t take it as one night stand?” she asked, and Clarke nodded shyly. Shepard snorted. “You really think that I am such a bitch?”

“There aren’t words that are saying that you’re kind, commander.” Griffin smiled and she looked her skipper right into her black eyes. “But I don’t think that’s something bad. Hard hand made no harm to anyone ever.”

“You didn’t answer my question.” Shepard took her legs out of bed, sitting, turning her back to her subordinate. Griffin saw her back, slit uncountable times with scars after shots, slashes of blades or stabs, telling the vivid stories of previous battles.

Clarke didn’t have any idea what she should tell. She knew that only the truth counted, but the truth might sound not appropriately, especially when she didn’t know what she was actually standing on. Shepard felt for her or something totally different? She wanted something more or she didn’t care about how would it end? She claimed this as one night stand or not?

Too many questions and too many uncertainties for Griffin to be able to answer. Eventually she heard a loud sigh, but after that there wasn’t anything that she was waiting for so much. If there was just one word, she could have had any starting point; maybe she would have been able to read from the tone of her partner’s voice if she was mad or not. But she wasn’t that lucky, she had to cope with it differently.

She rolled on her side, took the blanket and she covered herself to the neck and she stiffed, placing her sight on her superior’s back. She was wondering what was her facial expression, what she was thinking, how she felt. Shepard had never been telling such things, maybe because she didn’t want anybody to see the weakness. And maybe the reason was different.

The woman moved a bit, sat on the bed and, leaning on one arm and feeling the blanket going down from her chest. It stopped somewhere around her abdomen. She sighed, reaching out her free hand and touching the scars on commander’s back. She, however she had no right to suspect such a movement, didn’t even shiver.

“No, Lexa. I don’t think you’re a bitch at all.” She decided to risk. Actually, she didn’t have anything to lose. She had lost her virginity the previous night. “You’re great leader and I would follow you into the fire. In the same time I don’t know anything about you, so it’s hard for me to be sure that it’s not one night stand of the woman craving for closeness.

Shepard sighed. She couldn’t scowl her subordinate for not knowing her, if she was guarding her privacy like Purgatory guard. She didn’t want anybody to get closer, but she thought that due to her style people on service in her crew knew that she was reliable. And it was turning out that they weren’t totally aware of that.

Shepard stood up, leaving Griffin’s warm hand behind her, putting on her underwear and cargo pants, but she still didn’t look at Clarke. She approached the window, half naked and she just glanced out of it, on the endless galaxy that they were in at the moment. She had always liked places that it was possible to get lost in. That people were just irrelevant cosmic dust.

There was a long time since she felt touch that wasn’t marked by the shiver of disgust when someone just was in the contact with harsh facture of her skin. However, she didn’t expect that interaction with someone who wouldn’t have those kind of reactions would be so… pleasant. Different.

“Lexa?”

“I am not used to having, let’s call it, accidental sex, Clarke.” Commander stated, distracted of her thoughts. She leaned towards the window frame and she sighed. It was difficult for her to just get along with her thoughts, there were too much of them, and a lot of them were contradictory. “But I don’t know what were you expecting.”

“You want to say, ma’am…?” Griffin opened her eyes widely and she moved again, taking her legs off her bed and glancing at her superior with disbelief. She couldn’t contain her surprise.

“If that was a one night stand, that was a one night stand.” Shepard shrugged, didn’t even letting her see a thing; was she upset because of that? Or wasn’t she? She didn’t show absolutely anything that could give Griffin any hint on what she was thinking, what she felt. If she really didn’t give a fuck about how it could end.

Clarke stood up and the blanket slipped completely, lying on the floor. She approached Shepard and she touched her back again, carefully and gently tracing commander’s scars. The woman turned around, encouraged by the pressure of Griffin’s hand that stopped somewhere near her shoulder. Their eyes met.

“I don’t want it to be one night stand.” Clarke claimed, looking at Shepard. “Lexa, I don’t know what to say, I…”

“You don’t have to say a word.” On Shepard’s face appeared something that could be considered a smile. Griffin could be surprised, but at the same time she felt strong and warm hands on her waist, and after a second commander’s warm lips found themselves on her lips. The heat that was coming from Shepard was almost burning, but it wasn’t painful. Clarke felt the same as she felt a couple of hours ago: desire. Magnetised to Shepard she wasn’t resisting. She cupped her cheeks, approaching even more. She felt Shepard’s smile in her mouth.

“Commander, the Council wants to have a word with you.” Joker interrupted their kiss. Both of the women sighed, but they weren’t arguing. They were perfectly aware that there was no point in that. The Council wasn’t keen on waiting.

“I’ll be there in a minute.” Shepard turned off the intercom and she sighed, glancing at Clarke. “I hope we’ll be back what we didn’t finish.”

Griffin blushed, but she shyly nodded. Shepard put on the rest of her clothes and she glanced at the door, then again at her lover. She kissed her last time.

“Dress up and we’re seeing each other downstairs, E-4."

And Shepard went out, leaving naked and surprised Clarke alone.

*

“What happened?” Shepard didn’t even care to say good morning. She rolled her sleeves and glanced right into the eyes of counsellor Tevos.

“There is a riot raging on Omega.” She stated, glancing down on commander. “We need someone who will try to leash it.”

“And that’s so strange that there’s a huge carnage on Omega?” commander snorted, but nobody answered. “You really can’t finally learn how to prevent? Everyone perfectly knows that treating is longer and more tiring.”

“Don’t teach us how to manage our resources and how to do long-term planning, Shepard.” Turian interrupted. Normandy’s skipper didn’t think that his name was relevant enough to even try to memorize it. “We have a task for you and we demand you to fulfill it.”

“Couldn’t be different.” Shepard shrugged. “To be honest, I would be totally surprised if you would ask someone else _for a favor_ to fix the brothel.”

“Don’t be brazen…” it was visible that turian’s fury burst was approaching like a torpedo, but commodore Tevos stopped the conflict.

“The best would be if we all calm down.” She stated, scowling Shepard, but the woman didn’t even blink. As if she wasn’t feeling even a bit responsible for her comments. “Commander Shepard, it’s just…”

“Send me the coordinates.” The woman waved her hand, not even trying to behave respectfully. She pressed one of the buttons and she finished the transmission, totally ignoring possible indignation from her interlocutors.

She went out of the room and she headed the pilot’s cabin.

“Commander, The Council sent the coordinates.” Joker claimed and Shepard nodded.

“Put them on.”

“Aye, aye.” Man’s fingers danced on the keyboard. “We should be on Omega in a dozen of hours.”

“Just throttle to the max and I hope we will make it as soon as possible. The Council didn’t seem to be happy when they were talking to me.”

“The Council doesn’t seem to be happy when you’re disconnecting conversations the way you’re used to, commander.” Joker giggled. “Maybe a bit of mercy?”

“I don’t have mercy for the criminals that are giving themselves on my line of shoot, nor for my crew that is running, sweating and giving the best it can, and I am supposed to have it for a bunch of idiots whose asses got stuck to their chairs that are rooting? I don’t think so.” Shepard snorted, turning her back to the pilot.

“That’s making sense.” He shrugged and his skipper left the room.

“Commander?” the first person whom Shepard met passing through the bridge, was Octavia. “Everything’s all right?”

“Find Griffin and I see you two in the hangar full armored. Collins had to be armed, but carefully, not too much, Roan is preparing for the negotiations. They both are going to the dropping zone for that.” She ordered while Shepard was going to her cabin in fast pace to take out her armor that she was used to wear.

“At once, commander.” Octavia saluted and she disappeared from her skipper’s sight. Shepard entered her cabin and she headed to the panel in the wall that opened under the pressure of her hand.

She took off the armor and not waiting for anything, put it on, from time to time checking if the plates were fine by knocking on them. Finally she put on the helmet and she immediately heard the buzzing of the comm.

“Over.” She stated loudly and clearly.

“Teams gathered in hangar, commander.” She heard Clarke’s voice and the sound made her smile. “We started gearing up.”

“I’ll be there in a minute.” She assured them and she started running down to the hangar as fast as it was possible, taking off the helmet on the way. She didn’t manage to go inside the room when she heard Joker’s voice.

“Commander, the call on the vid…”

“Again?!” Shepard snapped, turning around. „Does the Council can’t…”

“That’s not the Council, ma’am. The call is double-encoded and I can’t tell who tries to make it.”

“Reject.” There was no room for mercy in Shepard’s voice.

“But…”

“Encoded doesn’t mean safe.”

“Actually, commander... the call is from safe line.”

Shepard sighed, shaking her head and she rushed to the conference room, giving her crew a sign that she needs a moment more. She knew that Collins would not let that go.

She closed the door behind her and approached the communicator which blinking diode was giving her sign that there was a call waiting to be picked. She sighed again, shook her head and straightened her back, pushing the green button.

She was surprised when she saw counsellor Tevos’ silhouette.

“Something happened?” she raised her eyebrow, looking at the counsellor.

“I wanted to ask you to be careful, commander.” Asari didn’t seem to be too satisfied that Shepard was about to go to the Terminus Systems.

“On Omega?” Commander raised her eyebrow. “Pardon me, but I am not in the mood for jokes.”

“I’m not joking, Shepard.” Tevos squinted her eyes. “I have to ask you for a favor. And I know that it’s only you whom I can ask that for.”

“And that is…? Oh.” She raised her eyebrow even higher, intertwining her hands behind her back and smirking slightly when she realized what was the delicate purple blush on blue counsellor’s skin caused by. “Of course, how could I not think about that earlier.”

“What do you mean?” Tevos squinted her eyes, seeing the mean smirk on commander’s face.

“There is only one person that you would call me for.” Shepard glanced at her interlocutor with steel gaze, totally dropping any distinctions. She turned her back to the counsellor and she shook her head. “Aria.”

She didn’t get the answer, but she knew she was right.

Aria T’Loak. Asari that had the whole Omega in her fist. Asari that _was_ Omega.

„Please, be careful. I need to know if everything’s all right with her.” Counsellor’s quiet voice ripped the silence that descended for a while.

There weren’t a lot of people who knew that Tevos and Aria, characterologically so different creatures, were bondmates. Shepard didn’t have to ask, she just knew.

“And please… don’t tell anyone.”

“I had not said a word from the very beginning, Tevos.” Shepard turned around and glanced her in the eye. On commodore’s face there was still a purple blush. „That’s not my business.”

“It’s only you I can trust.”

“I am not promising anything.” Shepard reached out her hand to the communicator. “But if Aria’s all right, that would be difficult not to meet again.”

And she disconnected the conversation, shaking her head. Saying that she was happy for the potential meeting with Aria was a huge overstatement. She had an occasion to clash with her, asari wasn’t pleasant in contacts; domineering, confident and arrogant. Shepard had an impression that she was exactly the same, so every meeting with T’Loak was usually finished with a disaster. At least on social level.

She threw out of her head all the thoughts on Tevos and Aria, and then she ran to the hangar and finally entered the room. She saw Collins and Roan trying to complete the armor and arms the best for the task they got, and the women went full tanks with armors, shields and additional shields. Each one knew that there were no jokes with riots. And after what happened to Oriana, none of them would risk letting the shields go. and even if, Shepard wouldn’t allow it anymore.

“Do we know something specific?” The question flew from Octavia, but Shepard shook her head.

“No. Apart from that it’s a riot, we don’t know anything.”

“Like it’s something new.” Roan snorted under his nose and everyone glanced at him with surprise. That wasn’t normal that this man started to just express himself. But, anyway, nobody blamed him for that. Quite the contrary.

“That’s not weird that something’s going on on Omega.” Clarke shrugged. “To be honest, I would wonder more if they would say that there is radio silence form that part of galaxy.”

“That true.” Octavia nodded, but nobody else said a word.

“Here’s the plan: Collins and Roan are going for negotiations, we will be covering you till you’re safe and sound in the middle of the whole mess. Then Griffin, Blake and me are going into the crowd, trying to calm it down. Preferably we’re not killing anyone, but if there will be a necessity, do it.”

“Is there something we should know before we’ll go down there?” Octavia glanced at the skipper with waiting in her eyes, and Shepard nodded.

“Somewhere in the surroundings of this whole brothel there is Aria T’Loak sitting on her purple ass. I think that there is not many people who didn’t hear about her, but if there is this lucky bastard among us, I will tell you that it’s better not to mess with her. She is able to sacrifice hella lot for Omega. For me, way too much.”

“Just like you if it comes to your crew.” Collins snorted and Shepard sent him immediately steelish glance. This time it did its job, he turned silent that time.

“I remind you that you’re talking to your superior officer, Serviceman.” She snapped. “And don’t you dare to forget that if it’s not for the fact that we’re short on crew a bit, you wouldn’t have even been counted into the mission.”

“Is that really necessary to remind you why you’re short on crew?” The man raised his eyebrow and glanced at Shepard with mockery. Commander didn’t hesitate. She cocked her gun that she was carrying in her hand, M-6 Carnifex, and she aimed the barrell into her subordinate, placing her finger on the trigger.

“Do you wanna check out if I am capable of making a sieve out of you onboard of the spaceship you’re serving on, Collins?” She glanced at him with indifference in her gaze and that made him feel the cold sweat running down his spine. If she had the rage in her eyes. But there was nothing inside. “Because believe me, Spectre status is allowing me to. And I won’t hesitate even a minute if you don’t shut your mouth.”

“You’re threatening your crewmember!” he shouted in a weak voice. Everyone in the room smiled on the sound of that.

“You better pray, Serviceman, for the threats to finish on.” It sounded a bit disturbing, but in that moment Joker deloaded the heaviness. At least partially.

“We’re clear to dock, commander. Five minutes and you’re ready to be dropped.”

“Thanks.” She said dryly into the comm, securing her gun again. “You should be thankful to our pilot for saving your life.” She said unpleasantly, throwing a murdering gaze at Collins. „Okay, crew, stay sharp.”

* * *

“Commander, maybe we can try on the suburbs…?” Roan shyly initiated a conversation, before the Kodiak’s airlock was opened. Lieutenant Cortez who was piloting it, didn’t say a word, and Shepard knew that maneuvering the shuttle on Omega wasn’t the easiest task to do.

“Any ideas? I’m all ears.”

“I assume that people who made this riot burst won’t be in the middle of the crowd. We can try to find them without mingling into it.

Shepard analyzed the situation and the idea itself, and then she nodded.

“Okay, that could do.” She said, glancing on the map that she received from Joker who did the initial thermal reconnaissance. “We’ll drop you in the housing district, for what I can see, there is no crowd there. Pretty possible that they bunkered themselves somewhere in that space. We, as was planned, are going into the riot. Majority of citizens are in front of Afterlife, but I’m not surprised.

“You wanna say…” Clarke glanced at her focused face and Shepard nodded.

“Exactly. Something’s is in the air and Aria is the main cause. Or maybe an aim. This way or another, we have to figure it out. Okay, team, prepare.”

Shepard had already hidden her pistol and she took out the N7 Valkyrie, setting it on the pulsar ammo that caused stunning not injuries. She took a deep breath, moved a bit her muscles on the neck and gave a sign to her companions that they’re in action as soon as the airlock would open.

“Joker will drop you not much after us.” She stated, looking carefully at Roan and Collins. “Roan, have an eye on him, in order he don’t do anything stupid. And I hope we’re seeing each other soon.”

“Aye, commander.” The man saluted and his skipper nodded. She knew perfectly that they could expect absolutely everything. However, she had no idea what that could be.

Octavia, Clarke and Shepard jumped off the Kodiak immediately when Cortez opened the door above the crowd. The bustling sea of angry heads, people shouting, trying to get to the Afterlife’s door. Shepard sighed. She remembered too well how Omega looked like the last time she was on that station. A lot of Cerberus’ troops, explosions, burning buildings, havoc and death. And her with Aria had to cope with situation in the way none of them would choose if they had an option. Sewers, vents and other places like that, attacking by surprise, avoiding open spaces and hand to hand combats… none of them was happy of that outcome. And in the very end… well, Shepard was still catching herself on recalling Nyreen Kandros’ heroism from that moment.

“Everything’s all right?” Clarke approached a bit, but Shepard nodded, not even having time for chit-chats. They were in the very middle of yelling crowd and that have never ended up well.

“Shields and guns on guard.” She only snapped, focused on the task.

Punching and calming the crowd had never been pleasant or safe. Elbows, knees, feet, everything was helping in making a way through the enraged people who waned so badly to get inside the Afterlife. Shepard knew that answer for the question “why” one asari knew for sure. Aria.

She hit some charging batarian right into his solar plexus and the salarian who jumped at her a second after, bent in pain when he received the hit straight into his crotch. Commander was ruthless. There were first shots fired and she knew that it wouldn’t end up well. Especially because it wasn’t her people who was shooting.

“ _Puta madre_ , the fuck is with this fuckery…!” Octavia dodged several punches, giving the exact same amount among the people that were attacking her.

“Aria had to do quite a work here.” Shepard had given up the pacification long time ago. Of course, she wanted everything to end as soon as it was possible and just die, but… it wasn’t meant to be that way. The woman was aware that taking care of Omega wouldn’t be as easy as taking gare of any other planet or station that she could have been sent to.

She had an impression that convincing the group of furious krogans that salarians and turians developed the genophage just because they made a bet with thresher maws and that was an accidental spreading would be totally easier than explaining the enraged crowd of Omega that they have to calm down and why.

“Roan? Status.” She said in the aether, knocking down another person, seeing with the corner of her eye that Clarke and Octavia were trying to calm down the group of aggressive batarians. Commander rolled her eyes, there were only problems with batarians. Always.

“We almost made it inside. Everything’s fine so far. Collins is not interrupting.”

 _And I hope he won’t_ , Shepard sighed internally. And then in the comm she heard shots.

“Roan?” silence. “Roan?” she repeated, hitting with her assault rifle’s handle an asari that wanted to tear off a pipe from her armor. “ROAN, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”

She didn’t hear anything beside the firing from the distance.

“ _Que te folle un pez!_ ” She hissed loud enough for her shore party to hear. Vega would be proud. Collins was not responding, Roan went radio silent and that could mean only one thing. “Fucking shithead. Blake, Griffin, charge to the main entrance of Afterlife. I don’t care how many people you’ll kill, they don’t have a chance anyway.”

She didn’t have to fait for long time for the answer of her crew. There were shots and the crowd started falling. The women made their way faster using violence than trying to do it peacefully. That wasn’t really good prognose for taking down the riot in the way they wanted to.

Shepard hit the door with biotic bomb so strong that it shook, but they didn’t move. It was a sign for only one thing. Aria was inside and probably she was having quite a good time.

“Commander Shepard, Systems Alliance, open the door!” she hit it several times while Clarke and Octavia were getting rid of pissed off crowd. The door hissed, parted enough for one person to slip between the wings, so Shepard took her companions and pushed them inside, and then she did it herself, before anyone was able to change their mind. Metal parts closed with another loud hiss.

„What do we do?” Clarke looked around, trying to see any movement, any danger, but seeing Shepard taking off her helmet she could be sure that there wasn’t any danger.

“Collins and Roan are not responding.” Commander said in low, almost sepulchral tone. “Roan can be in danger, about Collins… well, I don’t give a fuck.”

“I habe an impression that we all will be relieved if somebody just shot that asshole.” Blake sighed, also taking her helmet off. “I just hope that Roan is fine.”

“And you’re not the only one.” Griffin followed her companions and she glanced at the club’s hall not through the vizier. “What’s the plan?”

Shepard didn’t answer, heading towards next door. Behind them, that was more than sure, there was asari who was having all the hell of that station in her hand.

One strong hit in the plate sufficed for it to made the way. It showed them dead insides of Afterlife, the interior that Shepard knew so well. Now, instead of dancing asari, there were a bunch of batarians wandering around, they were Aria’s bodyguards. Also, there was one turian that was reminding Shepard of someone else. A lot. Commander raised her eyebrow when alien turned his profile to her. The woman was able to see the face, ugly as fuck even without the scars left after the missile hit.

“Garrus?” she asked and the mocking smile took place on her face. “Who would have thought, Archangel dropped the uniform and is back to old trash?”

“Shepard?” He didn’t change at all. He approached her with fast steps and enthusiastically shook her hand. “I haven’t supposed that we’ll ever meet again. As I can hear, not much improved.”

“Well, hard to be surprised, war doesn’t spare.” She shrugged. “Status? How’s the situation?”

“Not really fun.” Turian shrugged. He pointed, with the end of his M-97 Viper’s barrell on every door. “We secured the place, but I don’t think this will suffice for long. Unless we want to live out of alcohol only, we might have a problem.

“What exactly is happening?” she glanced at him carefully when he headed to the direction she didn’t know about. She followed, so did Octavia and Clarke.

“Just the usual Omega.” He smiled nostalgically, thinking about old times. Shepard didn’t say a word, so turian pointed at her companions. “Normandy has new crew?”

“As you can see.” She nodded. “Return to the Alliance wasn’t so nice and easy.”

“In your case nothing is, Shepard. Ever.” He sighed with a smile that could haunt little children.

“E-4 Clarke Griffin and Ensign Octavia Blake.” Commander introduced her crewmwmbers and Garrus nodded to them. “General Garrus Vakarian.”

“Liara’s not with you?” he asked, looking carefully at Shepard. “Too busy being Shadow Broker?”

The woman sighed and Clarke noticed immediately that something was wrong. Her skipper’s shoulders lowered a bit, same as corners of her mouth, her face, even though she could see it from the profile, lost the confidence and will to live, but the whole impression lasted maybe a second, so Griffin couldn’t be sure if she really saw this.

“Liara’s no longer with us.” He stated with firm voice that gave a sign to everyone that commander wasn’t keen on talking about that. Garrus, however, didn’t give a shit.

“What happened…?” he scanned his interlocutor with his gaze when Clarke recalled that she saw that name at some point. On the Wall of the Fallen on the Normandy. Liara T’Soni… that shingle was looking a bit different than the others, it was kind of… less polished. Like it was touched thousands of times.

“Shepard.” From necessity of answering that question she was saved by cold voice that sounded behind them. All of them turned around like for a command.

“T’Loak.” Spectre’s voice wasn’t more pleasant. That didn’t mean that the women didn’t like each other, au contraire actually. At some point Aria even decided to kiss Shepard. That was an impuls of the moment, never happened again.

Clarke felt a bit strangely when she saw Shepard passing between her and Vakarian and standing in front of Aria. Asari was similar height, had white leather jacket, black body and pants in the same colour. Her skin was different tone than Griffin was used to see in other representants of the species; it was purple. Of course, she knew that asari’s skincolour spectrum was wide, like human’s, but that wasn’t changing the thing that she had never seen a purple asari before.

“Long time no see.” Aria snorted when Shepard’s mouth’s corner was raised. The women shook hands, all the time looking each other in the eye.

There was something between them like raw energy, a storm that was raging around them. Clarke had an impression that she was in the middle of the hurricane, there were only ruins around, new and new ones, but the main characters there seemed to not give a shit about that. Shepard snorted eventually, shattering long moment of silence.

“What’s going on with this brothel?” she asked, not caring about being nice, stepping back a bit and Aria crossed her arms. She sighed, frowning. “What did you do again?”

“The same as usual.” She shrugged. “They’re rioting because vorcha started taking the streets. My people are not catching up with wiping them out, Blood Pack ceased to cooperate some time ago. Eclipse thinks they’re better than us and is out of Omega for a long time. And Blue Suns still know where to sit to have the best options. Blood Pack found themselves some new weapons trader that we can’t identify and pinpoint, at least not yet. We’re locked up here for two days now, planning an action.

“Not quite your style, T’Loak.” Shepard shook her head and she turned around, scratching her chin. Clarke held her breath for a moment, because he thought that showing the back to someone like Aria could cause an end with omnitool’s blade between the shoulder blades. But commander didn’t see the danger, so maybe Griffin shouldn’t as well?

Different thing was that there was something between them that could be felt. Something that was uneasing. They both seemed to be strong and confident women and as long as Clarke knew that Shepard was one for sure, she couldn’t tell if those assumptions towards Aria were correct. However, the truth was that what was in the air when energies of those two were clashing, made her think hardly about that if someone like her, totally different, had any chances when it came to Shepard. Well, technically yes, but… how much of strong will it remains when someone that strong and mesmerizing as Aria appeared?

“In this moment not much is my style, Sheprad. And taking back Omega, at least huge part of it, wasn’t either.”

Commander nodded, because, as she recalled earlier, it indeed wasn’t. Neither in Aria’s style, nor hers.

“You sent your people to negotiate?” Garrus glanced at his ex brother in arm and she nodded.

“Radio silent.” She stated, not even looking at him.

 _If something happened to them, that would be a sign to step back from the army_ , she thought.

“They’ll make it, for sure.” Octavia said quietly, but she overcame the urge to approach Shepard and lie her hand on her skipper’s shoulder. She knew that it could have been taken not well in this kind of company.

“Aria, we’re receiving a communicate from vorcha.”

“They’re too stupid to plan anything.” Asari snapped, glacing at Arnto who was heading his boss. She passed by him in fast and firm pace and she entered the loge she was always sitting in to receive the message.

Shepard wans’t fast enough to see what it contained. She just glanced at Aria that looked like she was about to explode and she turned to commander, raising her hands with blue flames. Shepard didn’t back off, but Octavia and Clarke took out their weapons and they aimed asari. What was strange for them, Garrus did the same thing.

“What’s wrong?” he asked with his characteristic voice, moving a bit inf front of Shepad, like he wanted to protect her from biotics that could charge in any moment then.

“They have your people there.” Aria snapped. “And only one of them looks like he didn’t want to be in that situation.”

“Collins.” All three from the Normandy said in unison, didn’t even wondering.

“Maybe it just looks like that.” Clarke tried to ease the situation. “Maybe…”

“You don’t even believe it.” Octavia poked her gently to make her realize that she shouldn’t say anything in that moment. Situation didn’t look safe, not even if they were among allies.

“Collins did a lot of shit, but I don’t believe that he is such an idiot.” Shepard snapped, even though she perfectly knew that she could have been mistaken. This guy was very slick, everyone from his crew was aware of that. “He wouldn’t ally with terrorists.”

“Unless he wanted to sabotage your mission.” Garrus turned to her and looked her into the eyes. He didn’t find in them anything that would tell him that Shepard was hiding anything. However, he knew her too well not to know that it was possible for her to become better in hiding things. “Aria, Shepard, can we talk in private?”

Both women nodded and commander asked her subordinates to stay on positions. Then she headed the VIP section.

“Shepard, for fuck’s sake, what’s going on?” he asked eventually, when they finally reached the distance long enough not to be overheard. “When I was on the Normandy there weren’t problems with loyalty among the crew. What had changed?”

Shepard sighed, intertwined her hands behind her back and she turned her back to her interlocutors, looking through the window. She was able to see the whole lower level of Afterlife, her people, Aria’s people… and she knew that this situation, already on fire, would end up not so well for every one of them.

“The Council.” There was no need to say more. “I obtained the smallest crew that they wanted to give me. Losing anyone of them was like a sentence to stay in one place, not moving. I didn’t want go full early retirement.

“Commander Shepard, years in the Alliance and still no promotion”

“She’s too naughty.” Garrus giggled, but commander turned around and gave him killing glance.

“We’re not standing here to talk about me. What’s the plan?”

„Blow up the rooms they’re in.” Aria shrugged, bending and straightening her fingers. There were biotic sparks jumping between them. “Nobody will mourn them.”

“My people are there!” Shepard snapped, looking at asari with disbelief. “I am not gonna risk that something will happen to them!”

_At least take out Roan. If Collins stays with them, I will plant explosives there myself and I will blow the half or more of this fucking station._

“So what? You didn’t care about that while on Torfan.” Aria said with indifference.

“Neither did you while taking Omega back.” Shepard responded immediately and Garrus, seeing the possible fight incoming, and being aware of what those two were capable of, just wanted to step forward and divide them.

“Commander Shepard?” she heard suddenly in the comm. The voice belonged to someone that she would totally kill a long time ago. That distracted her enough that Garrus didn’t have to go full warrior between her and Aria.

“Collins.” She squinted her eyes, putting the earphone deeper in her ear. “Status, serviceman.”

“I’m not your subordinate anymore.” She was hearing him playing with the weapon switch. She clenched her teeth when Aria and Garrus glanced at her carefully, as if they didn’t really know what was happening. Shepard herself had not that big idea on what was that. Although she had an impression that she was a witness of her biggest defeat on the field of maintaining her crew’s loyalty. She clenched her teeth more and closed her eyes for a moment.

“In that case why are you communicating me through the Alliance comms?”

“To present the demands.” He claimed with cold tone, but it was like a water for a duck’s back. The woman pointed at Garrus and his armor and the turian understood immediately, approached her and connected the comm with the speaker for everyone to be able to hear what was going on outside. “We have the whole room with hostages here.”

Shepard glanced at Aria and they both shrugged in the same moment. Aria had never cared about things like those, and commander just recalled the moment when asteroid X57 was directed at Terra Nova and she had to fight with Balak, the batarian who wanted to destroy that colony. To make long story short, she decided to just detonate the bomb that was set in the room with hostages, not even thinking about it for a long time. At that time, when on Omega, she didn’t even cared about those hostages to make it out alive. What counted was to actually make the problem nonexistent.

 _I’m glad that Clarke doesn’t hear it._ She thought, sighing internally.

“You should know, Collins, that hostages don’t make any difference to us.” She shrugged, facing her companions. “You better tell me what do you want.”

“Weapons. We want weapons and a stock of food. And then the safe passage to get away from here. In other case the whole Omega will know that Aria wanted to go for a purge.”

Shepard immediately glanced at asari that now had cloudy face. The woman squinted her eyes, couldn’t believe her ears. She moved silently her mouth, saying _tell me that it’s not true_. When Aria didn’t react in any way, commander shook her head in disbelief. On the other hand… yes, Aria T’Loak. What different did she expect from her?

„Why are you doing this, huh?” Shepard didn’t want to buy the time, she was just asking out of pure curiosity. She wasn’t going to fulfill any demands, but she wasn’t convinced that informing the crowd that it should calm down, because, no matter what would happen, it will end up with killing the ¾ of it. “What they offered you that Alliance didn’t?”

She only finished the sentence when Collins hung up. Shepard immediately realized what was the answer for her question. She glanced at Garrus and the at the asari.

“Are there on Omega any places that actually produces drugs? Like, the strong ones?” she raised her eyebrow and Aria nodded without hesitation.

“That’s exactly the reason for the purges, Shepard.” She crossed her arms. “I wasn’t going to kick people out of here because they’re making the society.”

“Such a good mother.” Commander drawled through her teeth and then she straightened the muscles in her fingers.

“Okay, nevermind. We have to do something, because fulfilling their demands is a no-go. I can bet on that they drugged your second crewmate.” Garrus interrupted to prevent the conflict. Sometimes he didn't know if he should let them fight and watch the world burn, but maybe not at that moment.

“If they did that, they’d pay for it.” Shepard sounded threatening even in Aria’s ears. “I don’t care what you’ll do with Collins, however I would rather prefer to deal with him a bit differently than to kill him, but I guess if there’s no other option, I am willing to do so.”

“We need to find the people responsible for keeping the crowd hyped. They didn’t do that mess by themselves.”

“I’m on it. Shepard, can I borrow one of your girls?” Garrus glanced at the commander and she nodded, making situation analysis.”

“Take Griffin, she is pretty good in shooting, maybe she would learn something more from you.” She stated and turian nodded. When he was passing by her, she caught his forearm and she pulled him so close that it was only him who could hear her words. “Let anyone harm her and you’ll pay even more than Liara did because of my neglection.”

He didn’t answer, but nodded once again. He went out and the door closed with hissing.

“Do I smell some romance, Shepard?” Aria smiked, approaching. “I didn’t know that you’ll get up so quickly after your doctor. But I have to admit that your new lass is quite good. I hope that she’s not so… idealistic as T’Soni was.”

Shepard didn’t make it. With one swift move she caught Aria’s jacket halves and pulled her so close that their noses almost bumped. Asari was able to see the threatening sparks in commander’s green eyes.

“You better be sure that the one that is yours is well informed on your state and that she wouldn’t be pain in my ass with her worry. And now we have work to do, I don’t have time for chit-chats.”

And she left the room, regretting that she was unable to slam the door.

Aria glanced at her, thinking what exactly happened and then she adjusted her clothes, then she launched the communicator and sent a call to Tevos.

“Aria, you’re fine, thank Goddess!” The counsellor picked up immediately.

“I heard that you asked Shepard about me.” The Omega’s Empress didn’t seem amused because of that fact, but Tevos didn’t seem to be ashamed. She shrugged.

“If I knew that everything’s all right, I would not have to as anyone.”

“We’ll talk when I will get all my things done here.” Aria sighed and she was about to disconnect when her hand just stopped above the button. Asari glanced at her bondmate and she sighed again. “I’ll be fine.”

“You promise?”

“I’ll try to.” She nodded and hung up.

* * *

“Shepard gave you permission for accompanying me in the field.” Garrus approached Clarke and he reached out his three-figered hand. “I didn’t introduce myself correctly. Garrus Vakarian, ex-general of the turian army.”

“Archangel, right?” Griffin raised her eyebrow and she smiled, shaking his hand. “I have read about you. Clarke Griffin, pleasure to meet you.”

“Oh, nothing can be hidden, right?” he smiled, shaking also Octavia’s hand as she introduced herself scarcely, as she was waiting for Shepard to come back and give her orders. “I hope you like shooting. And you’re not too loud.”

 _Well, Shepard knows best_ , she smiled internally recalling the last night.

“Seeing a banshee I don’t screech like her, sir.” She nodded and Garrus laughed with his vibrating voice as he had heard quite good joke.

“Tell me that you have seen Shepard dancing and I will claim you my friend.”

“Commander can dance?” She was very surprised and the turian, maybe without reason, laughed even harder.

“We’ll get along just fine.” He winked from behind his guardian sight and he waved his hand for her to follow him and she did. She was wondering what he meant.

Vakarian seemed like he knew Shepard from times when she had behaved like a human, a normal one… what happened that she ceased to? Only Torfan? Who was that enigmatic Liara that the turian mentioned?

And maybe it was just the matter of asking?

“Can… can I ask a question, sir?” she glanced at him when they were climbing the staircase. He sent her a short glance and nodded.

“Call me Garrus.”

“Who… who was Liara T’Soni?”

“Well informed, but yet doesn’t know everything, huh?” he asked with playful tone, but then he turn serious in a flash. “Liara is…” he sighed. “…was the biggest and the best information broker in the galaxy. We get to know her on Therum when she was working on the dig site, looking for prothean technology. Intelligent and powerful, a bit scatterbrained on the very beginning, but that was because she was living like a hermit… well, that happens too.”

“Why is everyone asking commander Shepard about her?” she caught up with turian’s steps and she glanced at his face. Although she had not that much of a possibility to see him, he seemed to be drowned in thoughts, not pleasant ones.

“They shared a bond.” He stated, glancing at his young companion. “Shepard was head over heels for Liara, but… well, it wasn’t meant to be a happy end after all.”

“They split up?” Clarke felt strangely. As if she was entering very unstable ground, as if she was trespassing the private bubble of her skipper. She didn’t really know how she should behave in that situation, because she was curious, but on the other hand…

“No, for what I know, no.” Garrus shook his head. “But Shepard… Shepard is not like her. At least not fully, so I assume something had to happen. Well, she was always bitchy, so that is unchangeable. I had no possibility to talk to her in private on that matter, so you can ask her yourself.”

“I don’t think she would be keen on telling me.” She sighed and the turian raised his eyebrow.

“So there’s not much that changed actually.” He stated nostalgically, opening the door to the Afterlife’s roof. “And now, quiet. We will play snipers.”

* * *

“Okay, so what, we going?” Octavia asked when she noticed that Shepard was heading in her direction with her fast pace of walk. Aria wasn’t around.

“I have an impression that it wouldn’t be so easy.” She sighed, and seeing the confused look of her subordinate, she added: “Roan is probably drugged, Collins changed sides, so I assume they can have Oblivion or red sand.”

“You’re suggesting…?”

“He commited treason? Yes.” She shrugged. “I won’t fix the mistake I made when I sent him on this mission, but I can try to switch the situation that I put Roan into.”

“Okay, we’re going in trio.” Cold voice of Aria resonated from behind them. “Put on your helmets, girls, it can be dangerous.”

Shepard caught one of the glasses that were standing on the bar and just zeroed it. Swallowing, she already knew what was that – Ryncol. Shattered glass instead of her oesophagus was an understatement towards what she had really felt. She threw the glass to the floor, shattering it into tiny pieces and she placed her helmet on her head with one swift move.

“Bring it on, I’ll take everything.” She stated, observing with the angle of her eye how Octavia was checking if every shield in her armor was working properly. She sighed when the thought about Oriana flashed, but she didn’t let the memories provoke her. She was satisfied that Blake was preventive.

“That’s the spirit.” Aria smirked almost mockingly, but she was still admiring Shepard, deep down in her soul, that she wasn’t giving up. Her crew was captivated? There was something to do. One of her crewmembers turned out a douchebag and betrayed them? Go over dead bodies and take him out and then punish. These traits always made Aria, even despite the fact of being with Tevos, felt strong attraction to commander.

They approached to the back exit and Shepard connected with Vakarian’s comm.

“Garrus do you have maybe a good sight on the western side of the club?” she asked. The response didn’t come at once, but it was fast enough for her not to worry that something happened to them.

“You can say that. If you want to, we can clean up your way.”

“How bad the situation looks like?”

“You have a bunch of people there, but it’s not really like a slaughter teaser, Shepard.” She heard the sound so characteristic of reloading his sniper rifle.

“Okay, so we can make it on our own. Over and out.”

She nodded to her companions, switching her weapon for the hardest fire possible. This time there was no need to spare the civilians. This was Omega, there was a really high possibility that the shot “civilian” was really most wanted in thirteen systems at least.

They made it out of the building, immediately sticking to the wall and moving towards the stairs to lower levels of Omega. There were singular shots in the air and Shepard knew that Garrus and Griffin already started to clean up that mess with the rioters. Her shore party could focus on its task. Garrus was the appropriate creature for the task that he was up to. And with Griffin’s help he would get it over with in a blink of an eye.

“We’re blowing up the door or…?” Octavia glanced at Shepard, but she shook her head.

“We don’t know how are they towards us. If they really only want…”

“They want to block all the docks and ports.” Aria snorted. Commander and ensign glanced at her with disbelief. “They will take advantage if there wouldn’t be any cargo in or out of Omega. They can take over the market.”

“So it’s time to take care of this.” Shepard raised her eyebrow and Aria, with her biotics, opened the door that should have vorcha and Collins behind them.

And indeed, in fact, they were there. A lot of them. Shepard and her shore party was greeted with a wave of gunshots. The reaction was fast, all three of them responded with the fire, Octavia and Aria took the covers and Shepard just tanked between the vorcha, caught Collins and took him outta the room. He only shouted that commander was his, so nobody had the balls to shot in her direction even once. Collins had to work for his reputation hardly and for a long time.

* * *

Clarke shot every vorcha possible among the crowd that was around Afterlife. Garrus took care of the rest fishy people and a moment later there was no other person that could spread the fire. The crowd started to look around, surprised, as if they just got their senses again, thinking about how did they end up in that place.

“Very nice work.” Garrus nodded with appreciation. “It’s confirmed that Shepard doesn’t chose a rookies to her crew.”

“I was trying.” Clarke smiled shyly, looking to the side of the building, but she was unable to see neither her skipper nor Octavia. Aria was nowhere to be found as well. She felt cold sweat on her neck. What if something had happened to them?

“Everything’s all right?” the turian laid his hand on her shoulder and Griffin turned around and glanced straight to his face. “What exactly is between you and Shepard?”

“I am her crewmember.” She shrugged as if she wanted to show him that there was nothing more. Garrus didn’t let go.

“You’re caring too much to be just a crewmember.”

Clarke wanted to respond, but then they heard gunshots, quite a lot of them, and then she saw Collins going out of the stairs, chased by Shepard. Griffin almost jumped to the rescue, but Vakarian caught her. If it wasn’t for him, she would totally land under Afterlife as a wet stain.

“I said so, didn’t I?” he snorted, looking at the girl, but not letting her go, because they both stiffed, looking at the skipper and the subordinate fighting. “Oh fuck, shit got serious.”

Shepard received a hit straight into her visor so hard that she stumbled, but she regained her balance and didn’t fall. She dodged next punch, with the handle of his rifle straight to her neck, and she hit his spine with her elbow, making him fall in the same time. Man stumbled and fell forward, on his face, trying to cover it with his hands when he was hitting the ground. He caught Shepard’s leg and hit her knee, almost making her fall. She hit his face with her foot and he shot the whole series from his gun. Shepard wasn’t able to dodge.

Both, Clarke and Garrus, held their breaths when Shepard’s helmet’s cover just shattered into pieces. A moment later commander caught Collin’s barrell and she tore the weapon out of his grip. He managed to shoot one more time, somewhere around her stomach. The woman bent in half, but she didn’t let go of his gun. Au contraire, clenched her fingers on it harder, caught it with her free hand and then she hit Collins with its handle straight under his chin. Clarke saw the man just falling back and hitting the ground with such a force that she wouldn’t want to feel ever. He lost his consciousness and Shepard took his weapon on her back. She took out the braces and handcuffed him, then she threw him under the wall and then she rushed back to the lower levels, disappearing from Garrus and Griffin’s sight. A moment later young crewmate received the communicate that if Collins would like to flee, Vakarian or her are in charge of taking care of him, but they couldn’t kill him.

* * *

„Okay, situation is taken care of.” Shepard’s voice sounded like she was wounded, but Clarke wasn’t able to be one hundred percent sure what was that. She hoped that her wounds weren’t too deep or bad, because the last ones, these after fight with Saren, weren’t fully healed yet. “Gathering in the Afterlife in five.”

Griffin and Vakarian compressed their weapons and glanced at each other.

“She didn’t sound well.” The turian said.

“Don’t you say.” She sighed, and they both headed downstairs, taking last look of the crowd that was divided by Aria’s people.

*

„Jesus christ.” Clarke groaned in the moment she saw the three people covered with blood. “Everything’s all right?”

“Sure thing.” Shepard threw Collins on the floor and took off her broken helmet, revealing the deep, bleeding wound right next to her right eye. One of the bullets that shattered her visor, must have hit her. Luckily it was that place, it looked like a few millimeters divided the skipper from death. “Time to go back to the Normandy. We have a package to deliver to martial court.” She smiled sadistically, kicking still unconscious crewmember that was lying tied by her feet. She glanced at Roan that was still lying unconscious as well, and she sighed, but Octavia approached him and took him on her shoulders in firefighter way.

“I hope he’s fine.” She said and Shepard nodded.

“You’re sure everything’s fine?” even Aria looked a bit worried and that made Garrus and Clarke to look at commander more carefully. She was all covered in blood, so it was difficult to say if she was wounded, of course beside the bleeding temple. However, Shepard nodded with a bit forced smile, leaned down and set her teeth, pulling Collins up in the same way Octavia took Roan.

“Joker, we are heading docks. Start the engines. We have the cargo to deliver on Earth.”

“Aye, aye, captain.” She heard joyful tone of her pilot. As if he knew what was going on.

“Garrus… do you maybe want to see old lady?”

“I hope that nobody messed with my Thanix work.” The turian sighed. “Come on, let’s see if that beast needs callibrations.”

And he headed the port.

“Thanks. Again.” Aria glanced at commander when she turned towards the exit.

“Not a problem.” She stated, not even looking at her interlocutor and she followed the turian. “I recommend my services for later. Take care of this thrash here, I like visiting.

And then she left, not even waiting for response that most likely wouldn’t happen.

*

When the Normandy took the course for local cluster, Clarke knocked to Shepard’s cabin and the door opened almost immediately. She looked at her skipper that was actually finishing _unsticking_ the shattered armor pieces from her body.

“What happened?” Griffin approached immediately, hearing the door hissing in closing. She reached out her hands in commander’s direction, but she backed off immediately. “Don’t touch it.” She caught the antiseptic, put on the gloves and looked her in the eye. “Lexa, for fuck’s sake, what happened?”

“I just got a hit.” She shrugged, but she didn’t look like everything was all right. Clarke glanced at the wound and sighed.

“A shot, Lexa.” She raised her gaze on her skipper and caressed her cheek. “You got the shot between your armor’s plates.

“I had a low shield level. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry to me, we have to do something with that, but I am not the right one to do this. We have to go to doctor Chakwas. No discussion.” She cut the conversation when she noticed that commander wanted to. Her lips tenderly touched hers, but it was done on that, even though Shepard seemed to want to return the kiss. Clarke lied her index fingers on commander’s lips. “If you’re not going to med bay, you can forget about this.”

“This is blackmail.”

„This is life.” Griffin smiled a bit. “We need you in good health and condition.”

“Okay, let it be.” Shepard sighed, standing up with Clarke’s help. The woman led them to the med bay and when doctor Chakwas saw her, her eyes widened with fear.

“Can’t you get out of the fight without holes even once?”

“That’s just a scratch.”

“YOU CONSIDER IT JUST A SCRATCH!?” the doctor groaned loudly and she rolled her eyes. “I have no strength for you, Shepard. Don’t move.”

And she got into action, not stopping complaining. From time to time she put there some words of appreciation and thankfulness for Clarke that she managed to drag the commander to her at all. Shepard was observing Roan who still wasn’t conscious. She hoped that he would be fine, but it didn’t look well. Anyway, doctor Chakwas assured her that it was only temporary and they will be able to clean him up sufficiently to wake him up without major health collisions on the way. Commander didn’t have any other option but to believe her. And she really wanted to hang into that idea.

“We’re landing in Vancouver docks in a while.” They heard Joker’s voice. “I hope that this time he wouldn’t get away.”

“Me too.” Shepard smiled when doctor Chakwas stitched the last part and then bandaged the wound.

“You have to spare yourself.” She glanced at her skipper. “Take care of yourself.” She glanced at Clarke. „Watch over her, Griffin.”

„Yes, ma’am.”

„You’re renouncing your allegiance again?” Shepard raised her eyebrow, looking at her subordinate.

“With good intention again, commander.”

“We’re landing.”

„I have to get prepared.” Skipper, not thinking much, jumped over the chair, she grimaced, but she didn’t let anyone realize why and, before anyone else was able to look at her and comment her behaviour, she just fled to her cabin to put on her something that at least seemed non-holed.

She put the crewneck with the Alliance patch on her top and, not waiting much, she just ran to the hangar to take, still handcuffed, Collins. She coulnd’t stop smiling when she was finally pushing him, jerking and cursing. She didn’t care much about that, because she knew that at that moment, finally, he wouldn’t get away from that. She could bet that there was still Oblivion in his veins. She pushed him through the main entrance where the Alliance soldiers were waiting for them. They saluted and she responded with the same gesture and they escorted her to the cells.

When Collins was finally placed in one of them and Shepard filled all forms, one of the guards glanced at her with kind smile.

“It’s nice to host a legend.”

“I’m glad I don’t have to be on the other side.” She nodded. She was about to leave, but then she reminded herself of something. She started to look for something in her pockets. “Ah, one more thing… can you call this number? I just want this poor bastard to have a bit of life again before the martial court… I’m almost sure that after that he wouldn’t go out for a long time. Please.”

“You can count on us, ma’am.”

* * *

„Serviceman Collins, you have a guest.” The guard announced when the cell’s door opened widely. The inmate glanced at them with resignation, wondering what it was about. The first thing he saw, were long legs. Then the silhouette, and in the end, the face. His eyes shone, because he wasn’t able to look at beautiful women even in extranet; they denied the access. And now he had the occasion, so maybe he would even have the opportunity to…

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” he asked with charming smile on his face.

“You will owe it later.” Her eyes glanced at him seductively. Her hands wandered straight to the business. “Name’s Morinth.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> April's Fools today, but I didn't fool you, there's new chapter. Full one. XD I hope you liked it. Well, not that long, but still enjoyable to write, and I am glad I could make it on time.
> 
> Let me know what you think, also, thank you all for being here, leaving kudos, commenting. That means a lot.
> 
> Take care and till next time!


	9. Alarm in the void

“Commander, the Council wants to speak with you.” Joker announced when they were somewhere in the space, long gone from the Citadel. They tried to get to Omega, just to drink out the _huge loss_ that Collins’ imprisonment was. Shepard stopped midway to Clarke’s lips and rolled her eyes.

“Couldn’t it wait?” she asked. “I am occupied with important stuff.” Her eyes met Griffin’s, and the younger one blushed a bit. Her face was shining because of the smile.

“They want it now. In private. Said this is urgent.” Joker sounded like shrugging and commander sighed heavily, leaving a smooth kiss on the crook of Clarke’s neck.

“I’ll be right back.” She said and then she put on her alliance longsleeve, and went out of the cabin, going straight to the conference room. She pushed the comm button and there was only Tevos who was standing in front of her.

“That’s »the Council wanted to talk to you«?” Shepard asked with a snarky tone and crossed her arms. “It seems like the Council had some sort of revolution and has only one member now.”

“No need to be rude.” Asari shrugged, looking at commander with a bit of lack of appreciation to her words. “I lost the bet and I am here to bring you bad news.”

“Like it had ever been a time you had brought me good ones.” Shepard snorted, not looking at her, but then she reflected and gave her a glance, professional one, meaning that she was straight up to business. “What is it?”

“First of all, your crewmember that was waiting for martial court, Collins, is dead.” She stated and Shepard didn’t react in any way, so councilor could suspect that she already knew about that. In fact, she was sure that wasn’t an accident.

“How did he die?” commander asked, but that was pure courtesy since she was perfectly aware that she provoked that situation. She knew that Morinth was an Ardat-Yakshi. And she knew that she could ask her for a favor, so she did. However, nobody had to know about that.

“Neural burning.” Tevos glanced at commander, trying to find any hint that Shepard knew what happened, but the woman didn’t give her anything she could use. “He slept with an Ardat-Yakshi.”

 _Well, not that I don’t know_ , commander thought, but she glanced straight into the eyes of the councilor and shrugged.

“He always had a soft spot for prostitutes, it’s not my fault that he picked up that one.” She said. “But that’s his problem. Or, better yet, it _was_ his problem.”

“You don’t seem to be very upset by the death among your crew.” Tevos raised her eyebrow, but Shepard shrugged once again, looking at her insolently.

“He betrayed all my people, me, and everyone else on Omega who was righteous enough not to be a part of the terrorists’ group. He betrayed our code, morals and Alliance’s ideals that were taught to us from the very beginning. You really want me to mourn somebody who almost killed one of his crewmembers?” she raised her eyebrow as well, straightening her back. Now she was higher, seemed more confident and Tevos barely resisted the urge to make a step back. Shepard thought about Roan who was recovering in the med bay, still, half awake all the time. It was good that he regained his consciousness at all, even partially as it was then. “Because I don’t think that it’s good for Normandy’s crew’s morale.”

“Of course, not.” councilor nodded. “But I know that it wasn’t an accident.”

“How so?” Shepard didn’t seem to care about that. She was rolling how she was and everyone knew that she could be ruthless. However everyone knew as well that her strong sense of justice would never lead her to the point of killing somebody without a clear reason. Tevos was aware of that too.

“Shepard, I know we don’t have the proves that it was your plan. But we know that Ardat-Yakshi are not really common in our community, of course apart from the one from Lesuss. The monastery is the only one place where they’re, let’s say, tolerable. And yet there is one who appears for a moment, gives death through pleasure to your crewmate and then disappears in a flash, and couldn’t be reached in any way. Now tell me, should I really consider it an accident?”

“I don’t know, shouldn't you?” commander glanced at her with all that insolence she could afford at that moment. Tevos rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. She couldn’t fight this SPECTRE. She knew that even if that was her fault, there wouldn’t be any better person to deal with every problem that galaxy had. Shepard was irreplaceable and Tevos had to deal with it. Also, she was always thankful that she was taking care of Aria in the most dangerous moments. Especially when she couldn’t be for her bondmate at the exact place she needed her.

Councilor didn’t tell anything for a moment, and then she sighed again and shook her head.

“Okay, irrelevant right now. You didn’t kill him yourself, the problem is not there. Also, you’re a SPECTRE, so I won’t be investigating that and I will try to convince the rest of the Council that it was an accident, not indirect actions from you.”

“Oh, wasn’t it an accident?” Shepard asked innocently, but she knew that she was playing with the devil. Okay, Tevos and the Council needed her, she was surely better than Blasto, well, faster and more effective, but still, trying to poke the dragon with the pencil right into its eye while it was sleeping, wasn’t the best idea. Either way, she was doing that and no one could tell her not to.

“Don’t push too hard, commander.” Tevos gave her not really appreciating look and then she shook her head again. “There’s also another thing we have to ask you for.”

“Yeah, sure. Always on guard, right? What is it, another terrorists somewhere?” Shepard snorted again. “You can come up with something more pleasant, Tevos. Like, seriously, how many bullets we have to waste again?”

“You knew what you were signing for while agreeing on being the SPECTRE, Shepard, so try to keep that profile. You’re over the law, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make you uncomfortable.” Asari tried to sound threatening, but she failed, since Shepard had all the high cards in her hand.

“Let’s be clear on something.” She said, looking at the councilor with squinted eyes. “I am on the field and I am risking my crew to fulfill your orders that sometimes are just ludicrous. Also, I have been watching Aria because you asked me to, even though she is perfectly fine by herself. Try to threaten me once more and you will have a SPECTRE that went rogue and even Aria wouldn’t be able to actually take me down. I can kill her in a flash, so watch your tongue and mind your words.”

Shepard didn’t seem to care that much about what she had just said, but Tevos knew that was true. People who were asked to join asari commando weren’t awful in fight. And Shepard wasn’t so hot-headed as Aria could be. That was a threat the councilor couldn’t pass by and ignore. She set her teeth and remained silent for a moment. Shepard snorted once again, quietly, and raised her eyebrow, smirking. That was exactly what she was doing her whole life; finding the ways to always win the argument. Even if the ways weren’t always morally appropriate.

Of course she didn’t mean to destroy her relation with Tevos, because the only, let’s say, woman in the council was nice to her and she was the only one that Shepard could actually get along with. But anyway, she needed her to know that she wasn’t their puppet. She was a soldier. And she had her own mind.

“So, what’s the problem?” she asked casually, as if nothing had happened. Tevos sighed and rolled her eyes. Sometimes she got really irritated by Shepard’s ways of being. She was rough and harsh, knew what she wanted, that was something that could be admired, but in the same moment asari had the impression that the human didn’t know where to stop. Sometimes she wondered if commander even knew that there were something as brakes. And that they’d been invented to be used.

“We have received strange signal from one of the mass relays.” Tevos went straight to the point, not to waste time and risk another well placed threats. She had to admit that Shepard was very capable on that field. Even though she shouldn’t even try that. Not that she was giving a damn about that.

“What kind of strange signal?” commander changed her position, intertwined hands behind her back and straightened a bit. She went professional at once, so the councilor was finally sure that there wouldn’t be any threats at all, at least during the briefing.

“Masses of energy are gathering, we don’t know where they come from, but it’s a serious threat to actually blow. It’s the one in Kepler Verge.” Shepard nodded when Tevos finished the sentence.

“We’re plotting the course and I hope we will get there as soon as possible. How bad is it?”

“The overload was somewhere near 45% two hours ago.”

“How is it now?” commander glanced at the councilor and Tevos sighed, checking the data.

“78%. But we try to do everything not to make it blow, so it’s not increasing that fast, but it’s not getting any lower.”

“Then it’s nothing to wait for.” She nodded once again. “I’ll update as soon as we know what is going on, councilor. Keep me posted on the overload percentage. Shepard out.” And she disconnected the call. “Joker, how much time do we need to get to the relay on Kepler Verge?” she asked to the comm.

“Four hours.” He said and Shepard did calculations.

“We have to be there faster.” She said. “They managed to stop increasing the percentage of overload, but four hours from now, if we won’t take their actions, the mass relay will blow within around an hour and fifteen minutes.”

“I don’t think we are able to go that fast to Kepler Verge, commander.” Joker sounded really worried, but Shepard felt the rush of the engine and Normandy’s slight sway as he changed the course.

“Then do everything you can to be there as soon as it’s possible. And less than four hours. We have to be there on time. Tevos will keep me posted on the numbers, but we have to do something with that.” She stated and she heard Joker sighing.

“I’ll do everything to achieve so.”

“Contact every crewmember in the engineering deck, I want all of them to work on speed, we need to make it.” She stated and left the conference room, going upstairs to her cabin. _I hope Newton and Herschel won’t have to be disconnected from Milky Way for some time._ She thought with deep sigh.

*

“What happened?” Clarke sat on Shepard’s bed and she glanced at her carefully. “You look like this is serious.”

“Because it is.” Commander shrugged and she leaned on the desk, placing her hands on its edge. “To be honest, if we can’t make it on time, one of the mass relays explodes and it will all be my fault.”

“It… what?”

“Well, not literally, but everyone will blame us for that.” Shepard sighed and she shook her head. “I have enough of that shit. I can handle that all, but why the fuck they have to mix inside the whole Normandy.” She squeezed her nose base.

“It’s because we are your crew and we’re always having your back.” Griffin changed places and she sat next to her skipper on the desk. “And no matter what happens, we always will.”

“Collins is dead.” Commander said and Clarke sighed, raising her eyebrow and shaking her head.

“And, _of course_ , you have nothing to do with that, right?” she asked, glancing at her skipper.

“Of course not.”

“That’s what I thought.” She smiled. “Okay, so we don’t have the problem with martial courting him, you don’t have to be there when the process starts, because there will be no process, right?” she asked and Shepard nodded. “So we’re on next mission. Care to share the details?”

“I’ll have to make the gathering anyway.”

“Doctor Chakwas says that Roan is better, by the way.” Clarke smiled comfortingly, kissing Shepard’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.”

“You know, I really want to believe that.” Skipper shook her head, but she was aware that it could just turn the way nobody wanted. Like with Oriana.

“It will.” She rubbed commander’s back comfortingly. “What now?”

“Crew, gathering on the bridge.” Shepard said to comms and then she sighed again, glancing at Clarke. She allowed herself for a moment of vulnerability, resting her head on Griffin’s shoulder and closing her eyes. She felt gentle touch on her face when Clarke caressed it tenderly with her fingers.

“Time is against us, Clarke. I don’t know if we’ll be able to make it on time. And if not, we will be totally screwed. Like we had never been before. It will be worse than the Torfan.” She said and Griffin sighed, making commander look at her. Her blue orbs met the green ones.

“I believe in you, Lexa.” She smiled. “You got it.”

“Well, I am glad you got me.” Shepard sighed, straightening her back and sighing heavily. Clarke could see her face expression changing in a second. She was always very impressed by that, as her superior was some kind of machine. In one moment her face was tired and just human, the next, exhaust was lost and all she could see was determination and readiness to go to the field and fight for what she believed was good.

“Always.” Clarke whispered, standing up and following her skipper to the bridge.

*

“We have massive problem on relay on Kepler Verge.” Shepard stated when everyone gathered. She barely resisted the sigh of disbelief when she saw her crew.

Clarke, Octavia, Garrus and that was all. Oriana dead, Collins dead, Roan knocked out. Everything was just falling apart and she felt in her bones that it couldn’t end up well. But, to be honest, she didn’t care about her. She cared about her crew, when they were okay, everything was okay. Shepard was sure they will be just fine without her if needed.

“How massive?” Garrus glanced at her and she returned the look.

“Huge.” She shrugged. “I had a call from councilor Tevos and she told me that there is a big danger of overloading on the relay. We are on our way to check this out, but I am afraid math is against us. We’re flying as fast as we can, but there is a risk that we will be too late.”

“How high?”

“Too high, Vakarian.” She sighed, looking at him. “Too high. We have to be prepared. You’re staying here, I will take Blake and Griffin with me to the relay.”

“Are you insane? Objection!” the turian frowned, looking at Shepard without understanding. “I am experienced and…”

“And you know Normandy better than anyone from the crew, Garrus.” Commander sighed. “You were calibrating our Thanix for over fucking three years, _nobody_ knows that guns better than you do. Even Joker.” She cut the argument. Her interlocutor just stepped back, feeling that he wouldn’t be able to win even if he had better arguments. Shepard had already decided.

“Okay, but I am going after you immediately if something will happen.”

“You plan on disobeying the skipper?” she asked, crossing her arms and the turian raised his eyebrow.

“Are you really _my_ skipper again?”

“Have I ever been one?” she raised her eyebrow as well. “We were partners, Vakarian. I didn’t treat you as a crew. And you can see how we ended up.”

“Well, everyone settled. Tali’s on Rannoch, still building with her people. Samara’s doing Great, Vega is still flying somewhere out there. Kasumi doesn’t stop stealing with class, Zaeed, a merc at his finest. Jacob is okay. It’s just…”

“It’s just Liara that is no longer among us, Garrus.” Shepard nodded. “I know. But I don’t want to discuss this. You are here as a civilian, you’re not really the part of the crew now. I am sorry, I can’t let you go out there and I think that you’ll agree with me that it’s here where you’re more useful.” She stated, talking to everyone that gathered. “And I am not letting anyone of you die. Not today, not tomorrow, not on my watch. I already let it happen with Oriana. No more.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Shepard.” Garrus tried to be nice, but commander cut the discussion.

“Enough, Vakarian. Prepare for the action. I don’t know when we’ll be there, but I need every one of you ready to drop in the exact moment of almost landing, is that clear?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Said her crew in unison.

“Great.” She nodded. “Dismissed.”

And she went to the armory. The rest just went to their cabins where they had their suits.

Shepard geared up, knocking on her plates, as usual. Everything was okay, but she felt that something wasn’t right. That feeling was strange, crushing inside her chest, but she couldn’t identify it. She was helpless, so she tried to focus on her helmet. Turning it around, looking, tracing every scratch it had. She didn’t know what she should expect. But she was aware that it wouldn’t be good in any way. She had been in so many fights, so many of them she had lost. But rarely she had that feeling that something might have gone wrong.

Tevos was worried. Of course, she didn’t want to show how bad the situation was, because, as a counselor, she had to keep straight face and just give Shepard orders. But commander had learned how to read body language. She could tell that the relay situation was much worse than Tevos told her. They weren’t just worried, they were frightened. Shepard couldn’t tell why was that, but she was sure that if they were risking too much and she would find that out, she would catch all Council’s members andjust kill them one by one. If she’d be alive by then.

“Everything’s all right, commander?” she heard Clarke’s voice behind her back and she stiffed for a moment, but then she relaxed again. Griffin wasn’t a threat. She felt her officer’s hand on her shoulder. “You don’t look like it is. Something’s happening? I mean, besides the obvious events.”

“No, it’s okay.” Shepard shook her head, even though she knew that was a lie. She was afraid, so damn afraid that all that situation, the relay problem and all, could just lead to her losing her crew again. To repeat the failure from Torfan. She knew that her crew was loyal and that was, from one side, the strength, but from the other, their damnation. They were loyal not only to their skipper herself, but also to their personal ideals, just because Shepard allowed them to. And that could just end up with a tragedy. For all of them. But commander was aware of what she had been signing for when she was making a decision to let them have their ideals intact. She knew, that without them they weren’t a crew of brilliant, but outed, individuals. They were just useful killing machines, blindly following her orders. And she didn’t liked that. She wanted people, not machines.

 _I guess I’ll always be haunted_ , she thought, when flashes from Torfan ran through her mind. A quiet sigh was let out of her lungs as she stood up from cargo box and just turned around to her subordinate.

“You’re sure, commander?” Clarke asked suspiciously, trying to find any hint of lie on Shepard’s face, but there was none. Her eyes were fierce, green as never, and shining. A bit tired, but that was usual thing to see, especially lately when Shepard had so much to do and a shitload of problems to deal with. Life wasn’t easy on any of them these days.

“Yes, all we have to do is go down there, check out what’s the problem, fix it, not to die and be back. That’s what I care for.” The skipper said and Griffin glanced at her even more carefully.

“You’re afraid.”

Shepard didn’t response. She didn’t know how. She opened her mouth to just not let anything out and they heard Joker’s voice.

“We broke all the rules that space flights have, but we made it. We’ll be on the relay in 5.” He said and Shepard was so glad that she had something else to focus on. she put on her helmet and her locks hissed in the exact moment when Octavia came to the cargo bay.

“Helmets on, we’re going down, girls. And please, no death.” She said and both of them, Blake and Griffin, nodded.

“I am unable to go closer, you need to take your jetpacks.” Joker said, opening the airlock, but Shepard didn’t give a single fuck about it. She just jumped, taking all the force on her suit, making it magnetic to just be pulled by the relay itself. Clarke and Octavia took jetpacks. They weren’t suicidal.

“And I thought you said »no death«” Octavia snorted sarcastically when they landed by their skipper, looking at her with disbelief. It was hard to get used to be a part of the crew that was led by person that seemed so fearless as Shepard did.

“Oh, I was sure I won’t die.” Commander shrugged, took out her M-98 Widow and she decompressed it. “Stay sharp, people. We don’t know what’s out here.”

“Shepard, can you please don’t do the stunts? It’s dangerous without them.” They heard Garrus’ voice over the comms.

“Oh, shut up, Vakarian, playing with the devil always was my hobby.” Shepard caught Widow’s rifle and she waved her hand to give a sign to her companions to follow her. So they did.

“Not when you’re the devil itself.” Garrus sighed, but then he turned radio silent.

 _She is so hot_ , Clarke sighed internally, but she scowled herself immediately. That wasn’t the time nor place for those kind of thoughts.

They were going in the calm sort of corridor, open space, but the sparks were electricizing the air and environment, so it was visible that the threat was real. And they were only on the wing, they needed to go closer to the core.

“You think we can fix it?” Octavia asked her skipper when she approached her a bit more. Clarke did the same.

“I have no idea, but I hope that we can.” Shepard said, looking around. There was calm. Too much of it not to be suspicious. “Somewhere there should be one of the security consoles. I think the logs will tell us if we have to go deeper of if we can fix the problem from this level.”

“Please, let it be easy this time…” Blake groaned. She had enough too. They all deserved a shore leave, just to let off steam, but there was no chance and no time for that. Always something was happening. But that was the shining and the darkness of being a member of SPECTRE’s crew.

Shepard and Griffin pretended they didn’t hear that, because they felt exactly the same. Everyone was just tired of the fact that the Council always picked up Normandy’s crew to do all the dirty work. The rest of the SPECTRE’s unit was just to smell nicely and look even more nicely. Or so it seemed.

Also, they knew that couldn’t be easy, especially with the overload power increasing so fast. Shepard obtained the intel from Tevos.

“We have 85% of overload. We have to hurry up, girls, in other case we’ll gonna blow with this fucking relay and nothing will bring us back.” The commander said, glancing at the report. The percentage wasn’t increasing as fast as she suspected it would, but it still was too fast for her not to be a bit nervous over their lives. Or, to be honest, over lives of her crewmates. She didn’t really care about her own, she was meant to die in fight, everyone always was telling her that. And she was sure, at some point, that the Council really wanted her to say farewell to this world and just fulfill her destiny. But Shepard was panzer, she was not so easily to be killed.

Well, a die-hard fan of life, sorta speak.

Shepard tried to cover her left arm with a wall, but as soon as she touched it, it almost exploded with sparks.

“Well, if that was unexpected…” she mumbled and straightened her back. She wanted to stop and just do a quick reconnaissance, but at some point she just saw the console. She compressed her sniper rifle and approached, asking Clarke and Octavia to cover her.

She kneeled by the console and she saw that the wires were torn from the main box. The screen wasn’t working.

“I’ll try to download the data.” She stated, taking a wire off her suit and plunging it into the port. Unfortunately, console seemed to be severely broken. On purpose.

“What do we do now?” Blake asked when she saw that the efforts were for nothing. Shepard sighed.

“We have two options.” She stated. “First one: we try to fix it and just flick through the logs if they are there. Second: go deeper and pray for the consoles there to be intact.”

“Let’s try to fix it.” Griffin said. “It doesn’t look that bad in terms of wires and we can cover you from there. This is obviously done by someone and I think this person has to still be here.”

“Well, he or she… or it had a lot of time to leave, Griffin.” Shepard stated, but she opened the cracked box and took out her fixing kit that was hidden in one part of her gauntlet. “Okay, lemme see what I can do here.” She mumbled and then she just started working.

“Okay, I have no questions here.” Octavia sighed. “Almost asari commando, sharpshooter, perfect strategist and now, an engineer? The fuck, commander, is there anything you couldn’t do?”

“Griffin without a minute of interruption.” Shepard babbled and Octavia couldn’t hear that. However, Clarke could. And she blushed severely.

“What?” Octavia raised her eyebrow when Shepard was still fixing the wires. Her fingers were skilled and fast, so it was looking better and better with every passing minute.

“I said: die in peace.” Commander sighed. “Because apparently the Council needs an omnibus for dirty work and the rest of lazy asses to just lie down and do nothing.”

Clarke snorted with laughter, so did Octavia. But they didn’t say a word. Eventually, Shepard stood up and hid her kit back to her gauntlet slots. She took an attempt to launch the console and the screen lighted.

“I knew you were good, but that in such a short time?” Griffin whistled. “This is magic, commander.”

“Magic will be if we find there any logs, Griffin.” She sighed. “Or more like a miracle. I can see from here that this console was severely cleared.”

“You mean?”

“Total hard reset.” Octavia stated. “Fuck our lives, we have to go deeper.”

“This day is getting better and better, isn’t it.” Shepard sighed. “For all we can tell, there is something wrong with the connectors here. And if we can pinpoint the problem, we will be able to maybe fix it.”

“I can take care of the connectors.” Griffin nodded. “I have some experience with that.”

“Good, because there is no time!” Shepard grabbed them for their armors and just threw them to the cover, trying not to bump them to any wall not to cause deloading.

She did a somersault and took cover behind the column with the console. She took out her sniper rifle and aimed.

“One shot, one kill” she mumbled and she started firing.

With help of her shore party, the bots that appeared on the relay, just exploded and ceased to be dangerous. However, Shepard commanded her companions to stay hidden and she went out of the cover and approached carefully to the remains.

LOKIs, mainly. Two FENRISes. And couple of hornets. It looked like a merged tech of different races back at the time. Geth, Cerberus’, human…

“What the fuck is going on…?” she asked herself, but out loud. “Okay, cleared, you can go out.” She stated loud enough for comms to take it and pass to her party. Clarke and Octavia appeared on the horizon, quickly approaching her skipper.

“What are they doing here? Attacking us, the allies?” Octavia glanced at the remains, poking them with her boot. “I can’t believe we just went in the middle of the fight.”

“Something’s really fishy here.” Griffin nodded. “Commander, maybe…”

“I need to contact Tevos.” Shepard said and she opened her omni tool. After a moment she connected to asari.

“Commander?” the transmission was a bit interfered with the overloading on the relay, but she still could see at least a silhouette of the counselor and her voice was hearable and, at some point, understandable.

“We’re on the relay, Tevos.” She said, without hesitation skipping the welcoming and courtesy part. Business was business, there was no time for titles. “There are mechs, but not guardian ones, they’re hostiles. Console was damaged by someone and I don’t know if saboteur is still there. We will look for them, try to fix the problem, but I don’t know if we will be able to do it fully.”

“Do what you have to, Shepard.” Tevos’ silhouette nodded. “Overload is still on the same level, but I don’t know how long we can maintain it. Over 90% it can be dangerous even for your shields and gears.”

“Acknowledged.” Commander sighed. “If we find the person responsible for all that, you want them alive or…?”

“If it’s possible, but I won’t blame you if they die.” Tevos shrugged. “Be careful out there.”

“Shepard out.” Commander disconnected and she looked around. “You heard the lady, we are going hunting.” She stated with visible smirk in her voice. Nobody knew that she was getting more and more nervous with every second, turning this nervousness into professionalism. She was aware that she couldn’t fail.

They headed to the ladder that was leading into the guts of the relay. It was dangerous, it was unknown, but it was still necessary. Shepard let her crewmates go first and she descended as last. No threat from above.

There was nothing sure in this mission. Commander was mainly nervous because of that. They didn’t know who made this kind of overloading and why. they didn’t even know how. The Council with their technicians were able to stop the increase of overload for a short time, but they didn’t know how long would it stay. So there was a threat that it could just stop working at any moment, and then Shepard and her companions could die in ten minutes, because 15% weren’t that much to keep up. Also, the bots up there weren’t great surprise, so if they were down in the maintain corridors as well… they could be in real danger. And that wasn’t really the thing Shepard signed for. Not with the crew she was so short on lately.

She smiled bitterly. _Well, at least there is no longer a threat that I won’t have enough of a crew and they will block me for duty_ , she thought. And then she shook her head, launched her night vision and looked around. From time to time there was a light snake going on the walls. They didn’t look scary, but Shepard knew that attempt to touch one was pretty much like trying to put a not shielded arm into the pit of king cobras. Without a help they could kill a person in less than 15 minutes.

“Be careful not to touch anything.” She stated. “We don’t want to end up dead. Also, turn off your shields.” And she did it right away.

“What the fuck are you doing, commander? I mean… with all due respect.” Blake hissed.

“That’s an order, Blake.” Shepard’s voice went cold. “We are not risking overload on us, do we?”

Clarke didn’t say a word, but she took out her shields. That was a loose-loose situation. They could die because of the enemies, or because of the electricity. There wasn’t any hole to be able to dodge to.

The corridor was dark and quite cramp. They had to go in Indian file, but that wasn’t really safe. Griffin swallowed hard. “We need to find some sort of map of that place.”

“You think there is something like that here?”

“I highly doubt that every engineer that comes here has their own.” Shepard confirmed. “So she’s right. There must be something.”

And they went silent, looking around for anything that could help. Comms with Normandy weren’t working, so none of them was able to actually call them and ask for schemes or plans. They were on their own.

“Okay, I got something.” Clarke said after couple of minutes. Shepard approached, so did Blake. “There is some sort of a plan with the consoles. But to be honest…”

“We have to go to the connectors first to be able to launch the consoles at all.” Shepard sighed. And she thought it would be easy. It was never easy to go for mission that was in outer space. Even less when it came to mission that Council gave them.

“Exactly.” Griffin nodded and Octavia reloaded her gun. Just in case, but that was very suggestive. Shepard clenched her fingers on her Widow. She felt that something was wrong as well.

“Okay, so we need to find the way to connectors, fix them, and then go back and…?” Octavia asked and Clarke nodded once again. Blake sighed and she turned around to go into the direction pointed by her crewmate. Shepard passed by her and she lead the way, updating the GPS in her suit with the intel they just gained.

“How we do that?” Clarke asked after a while of careful walk.

“If we don’t meet any hostiles, we’re all going down there. If we do, well, you’re going there and we’re covering.” Shepard said and she felt a poke to her arm.

“The second option will be.” Octavia said, showing her skipper the whole bunch of mechs.

“We’re by the hatch, go, Griffin.”

“Please, be careful.” Clarke said and both, Shepard and Octavia nodded.

“You too.” Commander said and Clarke opened the hatch and just plunged into it. Shepard closed it, praying for her crewmate (and a bit more than that) to be okay, and she aimed.

She was always going with the _one shot, one kill_ philosophy, so she tried not to miss even once. Her sniper skills and Octavia’s perfect operation with assault rifle were really good team. Shepard was taking out the bigger ones while Blake was shooting the smaller, taking them wave by wave.

“It’s too easy to be true.” Commander heard in her comm. Octavia just killed the last one of the mechs and they were able to go out of the covers.

“You’re right.” She nodded while kneeling by the remains to look through them. “They were broken. Not the real threat.” She stiffed for a moment. “Griffin.”

They both rushed to the hatch and opened it with one simple pull. Shepard didn’t think about the danger there and she just jumped. She didn’t know how high was that hatch placed, if there was any ladder or something like that, she just went full protecting beast. The first thing she encountered when landing, was a really big YMIR mech.

 _Fuck my life, if Griffin is dead, so am I._ She thought, but at that moment she had to be optimistic. Clarke was witty and smart woman, she wouldn’t let them kill her without a fight. Also, she wasn’t the type of person willing to fight when she knew that hostiles are outnumbering her. She would hide in the place they wouldn’t find her and then just wait for the best strategy to come to her mind. Shepard was pretty much sure of it, so she decided to hang on his thought, while opening her omni blade and plunging it into its connectors and wires. She added her biotics to the punch, so it destroyed all the armor and all the shields. When she felt that YMIR started to rumble and swing instead of its usual way of walking, she already knew that she did it.

She energetically took her omni blade out of the mech and she jumped off it, pulling it to the ground. In the moment she landed on the ground, YMIR exploded and Shepard felt the pieces severely scratching her armor. But that wasn’t the end.

Octavia appeared right after, shooting series into the rest of mechs. Commander was aware that Widow wouldn’t work in that moment, because it was too slow and time was what counted. She took her Avenger and reloaded. She was moving fast, so was Octavia. They were uncatchable and the mechs were dying like flies.

“Last one shot!” Octavia announced when Shepard dealt with one LOKI mech with her own fist. She compressed her gun and went around trying to find Griffin. Her heart was anxious again, she started to project the worst scenarios in her head, just because she was so afraid of loosing one more person from her crew. To be more specific, that special one whom she had a lot of feelings for. She couldn’t let her die, and yet she might have done it.

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck!_ She was cursing internally, praying for her crewmate to be alive. Even slightly, but alive.

“Griffin, come on!” she shouted at the comm in the last call of desperation.

“I am alive.” She heard the voice in the earphone and the loud gasp of relief went out of her mouth.

“Where are you?”

“Among the connectors, your left, the huge wall, I am behind.” She stated and Shepard went there. Octavia gave her a sign that she will stand there on guard.

“Status?” commander asked when she saw Griffin in good condition, not injured. “Did they get to you at all?”

“They didn’t make it thanks to you.” There was a smile hearable through the covers of her armor and Shepard smiled a bit too. “So, thank you, commander.”

“I think you should thank Blake too.”

“She is not listening.” Clarke smiled even wider. “I am only wondering who is responsible for the mechs and this whole shit. I can fix it, actually, I did, so we can just find out if the console is intact and what happened.”

“Let’s do this.” Commander nodded and they approached the console nearby. No information from Octavia was leaving a good impression that maybe it was all over.

Clarke launched the console and started looking through the logs. She sighed and then she groaned.

“What happened?” Shepard asked, approaching a bit more. “Something’s isn’t working?”

“Connectors are fixed, everything works, but somebody reprogrammed the whole relay.” She hissed, trying to proceed some commands and access was denied in every case she did. “We have to go deeper and find the main security console. I can take care of it from there, from here it’s not possible.”

“You mean we have to go even lower on that construction? It’s not the safest option.” Shepard set her teeth, because she knew what answer she would hear. And she wasn’t mistaken.

“That’s the only option we have.” Clarke sighed. “If we don’t take our chances, the whole relay will explode. And from the place we’re now… believe me, we’re not safe. We won’t make it out alive, commander.”

“I know.” Shepard nodded. “Okay, so we’re going…”

“Commander, there is a huge group of mechs ahead of us, they’re approaching.” They heard Octavia’s voice. She wasn’t firing, so they were too far away. That was a good sign. Shepard wasn’t thinking too much about it.

“How deep you have to go to the main security console?” she asked and Clarke glanced at her, thinking for a second.

“Two levels max.” she said. “It won’t take more than ten minutes and, according to those plans-“ she pointed to the screen of console she launched “-there is too less place to actually put mechs.”

“Good. You’re going with Blake, just in case. I will keep them occupied.”

“You can’t do that!” Griffin’s voice was terrified for a moment. “I… I can make it on my own. I was here alone when they attacked.”

“You don’t believe in what you’re talking about.” Shepard cut the discussion. She knew that Clarke wasn’t sure about that. “You survived, because we kept them away from you, Griffin. You’re going down there with Blake.”

“But…”

“That’s an order, officer.” Shepard’s voice was rough and professional. “You know the code. You know what sort of punishment is foreseen for insubordination.”

“I…” Clarke swallowed hard. “Yes, ma’am.” She nodded and Shepard sighed, taking out her Widow. _One shot, one kill_.

“Take care, Griffin. I want to see you in one piece.”

“So do I with you, Shepard.” Clarke stated and, before her skipper could do anything about that, she took off her helmet for a moment, took commander’s the same way and clashed their lips. The moment of suffocation was connected to the moment of unforgettable emotions that were accompanying them. The love, the angst, the unease of the situation, danger in air and the wizz of the electricity sliding on the walls. Then Griffin broke the kiss, put their helmets on again and the airlocks hissed, immediately pumping oxygen to them again.

“Blake, you’re going with Griffin. I’ll keep you safe as long as I can. That’s an order.” Commander said harshly and she obtained a bit scared “Aye, aye, ma’am” from her subordinate. She was actually satisfied that at least that one didn’t dare to discuss.

Griffin didn’t wait for the scowling, she took her stuff and left, taking Octavia with her. Shepard saw them going through another hatch and she lied on the floor, hidden, taking her sniper rifle on the tripod that was attached to it, and she aimed.

They wouldn’t take her so easily

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another month, another chapter. It's shorter, but it leads to the last one, so please, don't be upset. I hope you liked it, though.
> 
> Thank you for all kudos and comments!
> 
> Take care and see you next time.


	10. Final station

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, folks. I know it's May 31st, but I know that tomorrow I can be shorter on time, so I decided to post today.

“Hey, focus on the mission. She'll be fine.” Clarke heard Octavia’s voice as they were going into the guts of the relay. Their peace was steady, they knew what they needed to do. If there was any chance to save the relay, they had to try.

Both of them knew that it was a ride or die mission – if they failed, they were all dead. And so was Shepard. If they succeeded, well, that was very optimistic of any of them to think that way. Time was short, they were short on resources and their skipper was on higher levels, making diversion, trying to buy them a bit of time. There was no comms, neither to connect with Shepard herself, nor to connect with the Normandy. Nobody could help them, they were on their own. But at least they weren’t alone.

“I know you’re worried, Clarke.” Octavia tried to comfort her. Even though they had helmets with filters on and seeing her crewmate’s face was impossible, she managed to observe how she rolled and she could tell that Griffin was nervous, anxious and very, very uncomfortable. But, to be honest, so was Blake. They didn’t know what they were facing. Who those mechs belonged to. Also, why overloading a relay? “But she will be fine. That is not the worst situation life put her into, you know?”

“I hope so.” Griffin nodded with a bit of hesitation and she sighed. “I don’t want us to die, that’s all.”

“That makes the three of us.” Octavia smiled, even though she knew her companion couldn’t see it. “She is a sharpshooter, you’re brilliant and you have me for covering. What can go wrong?” she asked, but Clarke, leading the way, didn’t answer.

 _Frankly, everything_. She thought instead. The electric snakes were still making the walls dangerous, moving on them, slipping between them, making their way through everything that had holes or ditches. She didn’t feel safe, but actually Blake’s presence was making her feel a bit safer, and then Shepard having their backs with her steady hands, cool mind and sharp eagle eye was making her think that they actually might make it out alive. And she was glad for that.

They were going in silence, focused on the task they had to do. Shivers were going down their spines every time they had to cross a wall, electricity was causing constant unease, buzzing, making the environment gloomy. Clarke and Octavia slowed down, trying to find some hatch to go deeper, into the relay’s intestines. They needed a map, anything that would allow them to reach the checkpoint as soon as possible and to solve the problem. Too much was at stake. And they needed to go back and help Shepard, they couldn’t allow her to die. Nobody could die. Not on their watch.

“You think that she…?”

“She is fine, Clarke.” Octavia nodded, her fingers nervously tapping on her gun’s barrell. “And I think we had found the way.” She pointed the hatch in the floor and Clarke clenched her teeth. Well, she didn’t feel very confident on her technical skills, but, to be honest, she was their only hope. Shepard wasn’t there, and she was more useful as a gunslinger or biotic bomb than a technician. And they didn’t have a lot of time to actually go for the mission. Shepard couldn’t fight forever, the ammo wasn’t eternal and, the overload. They had no intel on how that was going on, but the situation was hot.

“If not, I will kill her.” Griffin sighed, opening the hatch and taking a leap.

*

Shot. Shot. Shot. Every shot was bringing another pile of tech scam. Shepard was trained too well to miss. And she couldn’t allow herself to do that, just because she wasn’t there alone. She had to protect her shore party. And she didn’t even know if they were alive. All she could do was hope that there weren’t any mechs in the relay’s guts… or that there weren’t a lot of them.

She changed her position, rolling through the floor as the last wave of mechs just finished. She didn’t know if there would be more of them, but somehow she knew that going after Clarke and Octavia wasn’t the best idea she could do, so she changed her sniper rifle to assault one and she went into the different direction, just to go for reconnaissance. The guts were too tight and small in terms of space for sending there YMIR mechs, LOKIs would fit only in couple of examples and FENRISes were no go since they were too clumsy not to bang into the wall. Electric walls and a mech didn’t sound like very good idea.

She squinted her eyes and went full for the night vision in her helmet. The electricity somehow lowered in the highest parts of the relay, so the sight was very dimmed. She didn’t really know what she should expect, but she was ready for everything that was ahead of her.

She was always ready for danger, her experience on battlefield had taught her how to be prepared for all situation possible. Step by step, she was sure she’d make it.

At some point she stiffed, listening carefully, because she thought she had heard some sort of sounds, and they weren’t the ones she would want to hear. _For fuck’s sake, what’s going on here?_ Shepard thought. That was weird – tons of mechs, nobody responsible for that. Something was very fishy and commander knew she had to actually take care of finding out what was that about. One did not simply do something like rgar without a purpose or further goal. It had to be all planned. But what for?

She turned into one of tighter corridors and she looked around through her night vision. Nothing at all, but she could feel in her guts that something was more than wrong. The calmness was just an illusion. She clenched her fingers on her Avenger and set her teeth, making another steps forward. Lack of space wasn’t a problem, the lack of buzzing started to be. She knew that overloading was going higher and higher, but everything seemed to go down. Shepard wasn’t sure if that was true, just because she couldn’t contact Tevos or anyone else. She was on her own, because the difference of relay levels didn’t allow her to communicate with Clarke and Octavia. She couldn’t know if they were okay, all she could do was hope.

The way led her down. There wasn’t any hatch to open to descend, yet the corridor was like a ramp. Shepard started walking a bit quicker; she started to suspect that there can be more danger somewhere in that direction. So she went there. Danger was another thing in her life. That was, paradoxically, keeping her alive.

"And yet I couldn't save my crew on Torfan. " she mumbled quietly, not losing her focus. She sighed, and shook her head. That was unbelievable, she was in way worse situation and she brought people with her. Shepard was aware that they all were about to die. But well, she was taught that life wasn't easy, in any point.

She stiffed for a moment when she heard some sort of knocking. He squinted her eyes and made three steps ahead and to the left  praying for nothing to surprise her. She was aware that these could be the last moment of her life, but risk was something she agreed on when she was applying to Systems Alliance Forces.

Let's see. She thought, tilting a bit.

*

"Okay, so this was the only way down. I hope there's no other that we don't know of, because if there is..." Clarke sighed, nit finishing the sentence, but Octavia knew what her companion wanted to say.

"We're armed and trained to be killing machines. We can handle anything, Griffin." she tried to comfort her anyway. Clarke nodded, but didn't say a word, as she finally saw the main security console. The attempt to launch it was effectless, it must have been treated exactly the same way as the previous one. She sighed and crouched by it, looking for the panel that could give her access to wires, and she had found it. One hit and the emergency cage was wide open  for her to take action.

Clarke took out her tool kit when there was a loud stomp. She stiffed for a moment and so did Octavia.

"Did you hear that?" Blake asked, but Clarke didn't comment on stupidity of that question.

"I don't know if spliting up is the best idea now, O." Griffin glanced at her companion. She didn't have to ask to know what was happening in Blake's head.

“I don’t know either.” She shrugged, but tension was visible. She needed to do something, she could not be very helpful there, with Clarke working with the wires. “But there’s only one way here, so there’s no way they’ll surprise you. And I’ll be right back if nothing’s happening.”

“And what if something’s actually going on?” Griffin gave her companion a quick glance and was back right away to fixing the wires.

“Then you’ll hear the shooting. But fear not, I may not be as good of a sharpshooter as our skipper is, but I won’t let you die.”

“Don’t die either, Octavia.” Clarke sighed and Octavia nodded, cocking her rifle. “Success.”

“To you too. Save us all.” Blake disappeared behind the wall and Clarke started to pray not to hear the shots. They weren’t shielded, they needed to be more careful than usually.

She was back to wires, but it wasn’t looking so good than previous consoles. The wires were totally slashed, technically with intention not to be so easily fixed.

“There’s nothing that omni-gel can’t fix.” Clarke smiled, taking out a small capsule with omni-gel. She opened the container.

*

Mechs were everywhere. Not moving, standing still like totally turned off. Shepard squinted her eyes, trying to smell the trap, but she couldn’t. In general she was very careful, but calculating that situation, she just thought that was no other way to go.

She could either stay on her place, trying to figure out why all this was happening, but it would be just a waste of time in terms of totally empty conjectures.

The second option was to go there and either risk triggering the mechs to attack, or just wander between them without them noticing. The second one was more appealing, but in case of mechs attacking she would be totally exposed, without any possibility to hide or take the cover. Even though the electricity didn’t seem to be so serious threat as it was before, she wasn’t really keen on checking out if that was the real situation of the overload. There was always a risk.

However she decided that standing still and waiting for something that actually might not come was highly pointless. She needed to know what was happening and if she had been able to figure out some logs from any of those mechs, she would have been one step closer to solve that mystery about person who probably plotted all that shit. She sighed and took the gun instead of her assault rifle. She wasn’t very happy to attack this time, so he had hope she wouldn’t have to.

However she decided to make a small test, actually cursing herself for not thinking about it earlier. She took a flashbang grenade and just rolled it with a clang into the right direction. Nothing happened, even though the clang was quite loud. Shepard nodded to herself and went out of her hiding spot. She approached one of YMIRs that were standing there, picked up the flashbang grenade and adjusted it again to her belt. She didn’t hide her gun though; nothing was certain at that moment. She glanced at that YMIR and she squinted her eyes when she saw that it was partially opened in the front.

“What the fuck?” she asked herself quietly, approaching, activating her omni tool and scanning the mech.

 _NO DATA AVAILABLE_ appeared on the screen in terms of logs. Someone not only wiped out the data that was there, but also took off the info core. She was helpless in terms of taking the intel from them.

 _Something stinks here_. She thought, clenching her fingers on the gun. But, to be honest, she didn’t want to give up. She knew that it wasn’t the point. She needed to check it all out, so she just decided to search the mech, if possible, all of them.

“I hope Griffin and Blake are okay.” She said quietly, almost plunging inside the first YMIR.

*

Console lighted up when Clarke finally managed to fix the wires. She stood up and started typing. This one was wiped out from intel too, but Griffin found out that it was one of so-called "fake consoles". It had access ti the hatch for the main console and Clarke sighed heavily.

"Octavia, how's the situation?" she asked  hoping that the comms would be working.

"Technically nothing here, but I have no idea if there's a threat or not. How about you?" the answer came with a static, but Griffin was actually relieved that her companion was okay.

"Found a hatch and I need to actually go down again. I think there's not too much place for us both, so pelase, cove."

"Will do." Octavia smiled and Clarke sighed, trying not to panic. She was safe. At least technically. Not thinking much, she slipped through the hatch.

She landed on the wires. Everything aas covered in them, almost like a spider web. Clarke looked around, trying to figure out where was the console. She had seen it finally when her sight stopped somewhere near the biggest wired pile in the room. She approached immediately, because she knew there wasn't much time. Overload level  was still high, probably at that moment not even increasing, but she didn't want to risk because of unnecessary delays.

Clarke tapped one button on the keyboard, and well, to be honest, she wasn't even surprised when the console remained dead. She sighed and then she looked around again, looking for the place that was destroyed. She was sure that the emergency box  was intact. She checked it, and, indeed, she was right. Wires  there were okay.

"Great. Show me what you've got." Griffin sighed again.

*

Nothing. Completely nothing. YMIRs and LOKIs that were there gave her nothing. Dead and totally not  threatening, without intel cores, Shepard started to be a bit irritated.

"What the fuck is going on here?" she snapped, looking inside the last YMIR in the room. Still no core, still nothing, but when she wss backing off, her sight locked on something sticked inside the mech.

Sheoard's eyes widened when she had seen that.

That was unexpected. She thought, hiding her gun to the holster, taking out her Avenger and then she just rushed to the very middle of the relay's surface. She needed to go up ASAP.

*

"Commander, come on." Octavia was keeping guard to the hatch that Clarke had gone through. Shepard had not been coming in, so Blake was still on her own. She has been feeling that something was wrong, that something was coming that wasn't pleasant parade of rainbow warriors. And then she had heard steps. She held her breath to hear better; they were mechanical, so mechs were approaching. However she didn’t know how much of them there were. And that was concerning. She moved a bit to take cover and tried to pass the message to Griffin.

“Clarke, I have hostiles here. How are you going there?” she asked, and all she heard was silence. She repeated the question, but again, nothing came. She clenched her teeth, trying to keep her hope that her companion was okay, but she couldn’t resist the impression that something could go wrong down there. Either way she was assigned to cover Griffin, so she had no choice but to do that, even if Clarke was already dead.

She took a deep breath and tilted a bit to see how screwed she was. A huge group of mechs was approaching. She already knew she wouldn’t be able to cope with them on her own, but that was it – she couldn’t say no, back off and just leave her companion alone down there. All she hoped for was for Shepard to find her body after all and give it back to her brother back on Earth.

Not thinking so much, she aimed her rifle’s barrell and started shooting.

*

“Oh, COME ON!” Griffin huffed, still trying to find the one wire that was corrupted. The console didn’t want to work, she heard noises from upstairs and she was aware that everything was just tumbling down. Octavia had to open fire, and that meant that they were in danger. Clarke didn’t know how many hostiles were there, but, to be honest, she didn’t care about the numbers. All she cared about was fixing the console, making things right and go up to help Blake. And she prayed for Blake to remain alive for as long as she had to take with the damn wires.

She was nervously messing around for more than half an hour at the moment and she was really pissed off. Someone who did that had to have a damn good plan and had to be really wicked. But she didn’t care, she had to find the damn wire.

At some point she just stopped for a second, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She started wondering, if she had mind so twisted as the person that had done this, what would she destroy?

“I am so fucking dumb.” She groaned, opening her eyes and running back to the console. The answer weren’t in the wires. The answer was in connectors themselves. She almost tripped on one of the wires, but she regained her balance very quickly and then she opened the back panel of the console. She was right. Omni gel could fix everything, but if used purposefully to that matter, it could also destroy everything. A silent killer and nobody would even suspect that someone could think about that easy solution.

She didn’t think much, just started to wipe out the gel from the connectors. They were blocked because of the substance’s consistence. She managed to get rid of it and then tried to launch the console. And it worked. Clarke sighed with disbelief, placed the back panel back and then she went to the console, immediately hacking the system. Logs weren’t deleted, because in all the evil manner the device was blocked, nobody cared about the possibility that actually someone could think about the way it was done. so Clarke had really great study on what was happening with the relay. Her fingers started typing very fast on the keyboard, trying to hack and launch the safety protocols to lower the overload, and she managed to do that pretty easily, but there was one more problem. She had to launch the protocol on the console that was the first Shepard fixed.

“Fuck.” She snapped, but then she decided to take a look on the hidden logs to find the actual reason for all that. And she stiffed when she saw it. “FUCK.”

The next thing she did was to secure the system not to be corrupted again, she stabilized the communication again, so it wasn’t interfered with anymore and she went up through the hatch as fast as she was able to. They had to find Shepard. Immediately.

*

Shepard heard paining wizg in her comm and then there was something like static, so she realized that Clarke finally managed to get to the main console. That actually meant she was alive. Running through the relay’s mazes in such a rush she was in made her nervous and her blood pressure was almost painful. They had to gather. All of that was too dangerous.

“Griffin, Blake, where are you? Over!” she almost shouted to the comm and then she heard some cracks, so she repeated. As far as she was running, moving closer and closer to relay’s surface, she was hearing better.

“Com….der? …fin he… Mechs… us… ed he…” she heard with the static, but, to be honest, she didn’t have to be a genius to actually know what Clarke was trying to say: _Mechs surrounded us. We need help._

“Position!” she shouted twice, just to be sure they heard. The answer came rather quickly. Griffin gave her coordinates and Shepard already knew that she wouldn’t be able to get there on time. “I have an idea!” she shouted. “If you can’t get on the surface, hold the position, Griffin!”

 _Please, stay alive._ She prayed for them as she rushed in totally different direction.

*

“Comms are on again!” Clarke joined Octavia, taking out her Javelin and she started shooting. They were almost surrounded by the mechs, even though Octavia did her best to hold the position. They had very low chances to stay alive when Shepard told them that she had an idea.

“You think she will make it on time?” Octavia asked and Griffin shot one more LOKI.

“I hope so.” She stated, but she was having less and less of that hope with every passing minute. It seemed to be more and more mechs and they had less and less thermal clips. They were convicted to fail.

“Are you afraid?” Octavia crouched and took Clarke with her behind the cover when YMIR started shooting. Griffin was able to feel her hand shaking a bit, but she couldn’t tell if that was because of shooting, exhaustion, adrenaline or actual fear.

“Yeah, you can say that.” She stated, breathing deeply. It wasn’t the best moment of talking about fear or lack of it, they had to stay alive as long as it was possible. They didn’t need any thoughts that were connected to dying or fearing at that moment. Not in the middle of the fight.

The mech’s bullets shook the cover they were hiding behind and Octavia clenched her teeth, praying that if they had to die, for the death to be quick and painless.

“I don’t wanna die.” She groaned, when Clarke stood up, shot and then hid again and reloaded her Javelin.

“You won’t.” they heard Shepard’s voice and at the exact same moment they saw something they didn’t expect to see. All of the mechs stiffed and then turned around. And they just headed the opposite direction. “Casualties?”

“None. And we’re not wounded.” Octavia said. “Where are you?”

“You need to go to the surface.” The answer came quickly, it seemed to be nervous. “Now.”

And then there were nothing but static.

*

Shepard was running. She hid her weapon for good, focusing only on moving her ass from where she was to where she should be. On her way she was praying to any deity that was willing to actually hear her out, for the luck of not spotting any mech. She knew that later it would not matter, because she was prepared for the battle she would be involved into. But she needed to buy more time for her crew.

She turned left and pretty much jumped to the narrower corridor, leaving a trace with loud thuds as her magnetic boots were clanging on the relay’s surface. She clenched her teeth. The way had to be somewhere there, she was more than sure about that.

And, after a moment, she found it. Huge wall, technically not even slightly different of the rest she encountered before. And yet there was one simple thing that was making this particular wall special. Two small holes that required a weird key she had found during her reconnaissance. Shepard took it out of the slot on her gauntlet and she put it immediately into the wall. There was no time to waste, she had to be fast but careful. Sounded like something impossible, but she was becoming an expert of that kind of situations. She couldn’t hesitate, stakes were too high. she turned off her microphone, but she was still able to hear the shots from around Clarke and Octavia. she clenched her teeth when she heard Blake’s scream.

 _Don’t you even dare to die._ Commander thought, gripping the edge of secret door that the key revealed. _No time._ She nodded and she glanced at the console’s screen that had lighted up in the exact moment she opened the wing. Fortunately, this one was still working, nobody messed with it. Shepard sighed, typing on the keyboard and at some point she took off one part of her armor. She clenched her teeth even more and shook her head, knowing that she had to do that.

So she launched the part into the console.

*

“It’s okay, I am okay…” Octavia groaned when Clarke managed to keep all the parts of Blake’s armor in one place. She got shot, but it seemed like it wasn’t that severe. Well, painful, yes, but not lethal. At least both of soldiers hoped that.

“I want to believe that.” Clarke took cover and she stuck her back to the wall. The mechs were closer and closer when they were taking brakes to recharge their blasters. They didn’t have much time, that was obvious. “You think she will make it?”

“I have no idea what idea she had, but I hope so.” Octavia’s helmet poked the wall with quiet bong.

Shepard went silent some time before. They didn’t have the possibility to actually flee from the spot. They were stuck in one place, trying, almost desperately, to defend it, not to get killed or even wounded, but that was hard when there was more and more mechs with every minute. And no sign of their skipper whatsoever.

“If not, well, I guess we wouldn’t give a fuck anyway.” Griffin shrugged with resignation, almost dealing with the thought that they was going to die. “We’ll be dead.”

“Clarke, if we die here…” the silent that descended was deafening. Both of them looked at each other. “What the fuck happened?”

“I don’t know, but I am not sure if we should even tilt from here.” Blonde stiffed for a moment, getting prepared for double attack, but it never came. However they didn’t move, waiting for something to happen. And it did. They both heard heavy mechanical steps and the ground started to tremble. But the steps weren’t approaching. They were more and more quiet with every moment. Clarke and Octavia glanced at each other again and then they decided to take a risk and look over the cover’s edge.

The mechs were gone. YMIRs and LOKIs going into the opposite direction that they should if they were going for Blake and Griffin. They glanced at each other again, in silence, not really knowing what to say at that moment.

“Okay, what just happened.” Octavia forgot about intonation, still in shock.

“I guess they just… fled.” Clarke blinked several times, but her companion couldn’t see that. “I have no idea why, though.”

“Don’t you think that something’s fishy here?” Blake squinted her eyes, seeing the last mech disappearing from their sight.

“You mean?” blonde started checking her weapon, thermal clips she had left and the scratches on her armor. Enough to say that she was short on them.

“You know, those are mechs.” Octavia shrugged and started to check on her weapon and armor. She had a bit of a problem on moving her wounded arm though, but she was managing very well, so she wasn’t complaining on that matter. “They don’t feel, they don’t fear. And yet they fled. Don’t you thing that’s rather… unusual?” she asked and Clarke straightened her back to look at her companion.

“You mean that maybe something in their systems? Like, a short circuit?” she reloaded her javelin and loosened her back muscles a bit.

“I don’t really know how they work, but I don’t think the »short circuit« would be a good thing to say in that case. Like, you saw it yourself, there weren’t any signs of some shit in their wires. That was something that was programmed or ordered to them from higher instance. Or maybe I am just talking nonsense, I don’t really know.” She shrugged and glanced at her weapon.

“If that’s the case, there must be someone who is steering them all.” Clarke nodded, thinking about what Octavia had just said. “But who?”

“I have no idea, but we have a chance to find and kill that person so they wouldn’t threaten this relay again. This and any other.” Blake cracked her fingers.

“Octavia.” Clarke stiffed again, this time more severely. Called one turned her head and glanced at her.

“Clarke?” she asked, not really knowing what was going on.

“You’re right.” She said. “They’re not fleeing.”

“What?”

“They just changed the target.” Clarke stated, looking at her companion. The moment of silence between them confirmed that they were thinking about the same thing. The answer jolted them as the lost spark of relay’s overload.

“Shepard.” They said simultaneously, suddenly in panic. They didn’t say anything more. There was no time.

They rushed to the surface.

*

“Where the fuck is she?” Griffin groaned, praying internally for their skipper to be alive. They tried to contact her via comms, but there was nothing but white noise. Shepard wasn’t responding, even though Octavia tried to call her out every three minutes. It seemed like Shepard was pretty much gone and both of her crewmates were worried that she could be dead by that moment.

“I have no idea, she is not coming in.” Octavia let go for a moment, when their skipper still didn’t answer on comms. They were already on the surface, in the huge square surrounded by pillars. Not that far from that place there was a core of the relay. It seemed to be completely dead, the rings weren’t spinning, the usual mass core that was shining brightly with cool blue colour was pitch black. Something was really, really wrong. “What happened?”

“You ask as if you think I know.” Clarke snorted. “And I know the same as you.”

“Shit.” Octavia sighed. She was back to trying to force Shepard to come in, and Clarke looked around. There was a plain, empty area, nobody was there, not a single mech was in her sight. The silence made her think that there was something that they didn’t notice and could be lethal as fuck. She tried to scan the environment with her night vision and infrared camera, but neither of them worked. There was nobody and nothing that could threaten them. “Still nothing.”

 _Something’s clearly fishy here._ Clarke frowned, approaching the nearest cover and she took her Javelin, reloading.

“Shhh.” Octavia squinted her eyes when blonde tried to change the thermal clip. “Did you hear that?”

“Did I hear wh-” Octavia caught her and pulled behind the cover to just observe. There was a buzzing in the air, something that was making Clarke feel uneased, and at that moment she finally placed that feeling somewhere. This sound was weird among the relay so dead.

They saw four oculuses floating around. That was just a matter of time before they would see them, but at that moment both, Clarke and Octavia, remained silent for a moment. Blake ceased to call Shepard, because the skipper was still just a white noise, and the problem was there, right in front of them. The oculuses…

“You see that too?” Octavia whispered, pointing the carving on the oculus’ shining side. Clarke slowly nodded. She did. And she was not happy to see that, because that meant that they were betrayed. Again.

The Council. Oculuses were made by the order of the only ones that could actually make orders to SPECTREs. Clarke clenched her teeth, seeing obvious sign of betrayal and she shook her head. She couldn’t believe, first, Collins, now the Council, what else they had to face? Couldn’t they just let it go and give Shepard a rest?

“We need to go to the console.” She whispered back after a moment when she forced herself to open her mouth. “We need to launch the protocols. We need to make this relay alive.”

“Don’t you think that’s fishy? First overloading, now it’s pretty much dead? What kind of person does that?”

“The one that has no qualms on killing us all. And well, I guess we already know who that might be.”

“Are you thinking about Tevos?” Octavia’s eyes widened with surprise, but Clarke shook her head. She highly doubted that asari’s councilor could do something like that. Okay, Shepard got into her nerves, but she was rolling that way and Tevos seemed to understand that. Lexa was helping her with Aria, and asari was helpful in other cases, either way, that was symbiosis. But well, the darkest place is always under the candlestick, so she couldn’t just scratch her out of the list.

“Not really.” She stated, no matter her thoughts. “But I can’t be sure. Enough to say, Shepard is not actually liked person in space, you know that better than me.”

“Indeed.” Octavia sighed, reloading her Graal. “But that doesn’t mean that the whole Normandy’s crew is worth killing.”

“Neither is Shepard.” Clarke sighed, taking up her Javelin and taking down one of the oculuses in the exact moment when it looked at her. “I hate those mechs, RUN!” she screamed, taking Octavia’s wrist and pulling her companion after her, praying for her not to get shot again. They couldn’t allow anybody else to die. Especially when Shepard was probably dead.

Clarke thought that maybe the person responsible for all that they were facing, just made the mechs go for Shepard. That sounded legitimately, but that was just a thought that crossed Clarke’s mind and then just faded for a moment, because the problem was bigger. Three oculuses that remained started shooting at them.

They started running, because blonde finally pinged the console. Octavia shot three bullets straight into the oculus’ eye and destroyed the second one, rolling on the ground not to get the laser. They still didn’t have the shields. And what Clarke knew was that the environment was tricky. Technically there wasn’t any electricity left, because nothing was visible. However, the problem was laying somewhere else. Everything was charged, almost fully and both of them knew, Octavia and Clarke, that if they launch the shields, they would pretty much absorb all the reload from the relay. They would be sizzled to a French fry if they did that.

“DOWN!” Octavia shouted when she saw the next laser beam from one of two oculuses that remained. Clarke didn’t mind the order, she just did, rolling behind a wall. She knew that the hideout she was in wasn’t really good one, because oculuses could pretty much shatter everything into pieces, so she had to be quick.

She reloaded her Javelin in a glance and then she made it quick. Tilted, aimed, shot, everything in less than two seconds. The oculus almost exploded with the rain of sharp, shiny pieces. Clarke hid again, but not for long. The last oculus was about to attack with charged beam, so she knew that she had to move. And she did.

There were shots, Octavia was filling the bot with bullets, but it seemed to be more resistant. Clarke gave it a shot from Javelin, but, for the first time, it didn’t work. Griffin took a step back, bumped at Blake, and they both rolled in two different directions to dodge the beam.

“Dafuq is that.” Blonde heard her companion in her comm. She got up immediately and moved from the sight of the oculus.

“They just made it panzer.” She stated, trying to hide somewhere, but she wasn’t really convinced if that was able to do anything. Bot was not only immune to shots, it also seemed to be more intelligent. Clarke couldn’t wait more. She had to make it to the console and launch the protocols. ASAP.

And in that moment they heard the mechanical steps. Very heavy one, with a whole cascade of cacophony. Both Alliance marines glanced there and they saw a small army of mechs. That was scary at some point, but the worst thing was what they saw when the walls of bullets just flew between the spaces they were bunkered in.

Shepard, miraculously dodging the shells, was running fast as hell, trying not to get hit. She made it to the relay core, jumped on one of the rings and started shooting.

“To the console, your left, 20 meters, Griffin.” The comms seemed to be back. Clarke sighed with relief and she just jumped out of her hideout, sprinting to the direction Shepard showed her. “Blake, cover her!”

And she didn’t wait for long. Seeing that the oculus started to charge in her direction, she just decided to go for yolo and actually took a leap. She caught the edge of the inner circle and with her impetus she just turned the shit around, in the direction of mechs. The charged beam, when Shepard let the bot go, sizzled majority of mechs. Also, even if the oculus was actually panzer, it seemed to have a poor settings in terms of balance. Single shake like the one commander did made it spin and crash onto the floor with loud sound.

“BANG!” Shepard smiled to herself and she took out her Avenger, shooting the mechs and simultaneously running to her crew. “Shore party, status!”

“We’re okay, Octavia is injured, but she can go with that. Currently at the console, overwriting the walls and shit to be able to launch security protocols.” Clarke quickly reported.

Shepard made her way to them and glanced at them, especially checking on Octavia if she was capable of doing things.

“You saved our lives.” Blake nodded with gratitude when Shepard approached, adjusting her gun to the magnet on her back.

“That’s what I am for.” She stated. “We don’t have much time.” She said. “How long will it take for you to reprogram the relay again and launch security protocols?”

“Over twenty minutes, commander.” Clarke was still typing. “There is no quicker way for that, I am sorry.”

They heard another mechanical steps. That was predictable. Shepard knew they will come.

“What the fuck is going on?” Blake asked.

“Turian councilor had gone rogue.” Commander explained. “He is not there, but Tevos is informed by now, so I guess they will go for proper care for that bastard. But we have to tide the mechs from here.”

“How many of them there are?” she asked, not very happy because of the intel she got.

“I don’t know, but you have to remember that this relay is huge. They can go from any direction and you have to be prepared. I will stop these coming from the door I ran from, but you have to take care of Griffin and the area here, will you be able to?”

“Aye, commander.”

“We see each other in a minute.” She stated and was about to go when Clarke turned her head for a moment.

“Commander, please, be careful.” she sighed, seeing that her woman wouldn’t let this go and stay to help them there.

“So do you.” Shepard nodded and run towards the mechs.

“I hope she will make it out alive.” Octavia said, opening fire to the LOKIs that were coming her way. They were more friendly than YMIRs; it was sufficient to pretty much shot out their arms to be safe. YMIRs required more attention and carefulness, because they were heavy and way more dangerous. And Octavia hoped she wouldn’t be forced to fight with more than two at once. She was no biotic, not like Shepard. Although it was interesting that her commander wasn’t really keen on using that power. She would have to ask about that after the whole shit they were going through at the moment.

 

“Me too.” Clarke nodded, overwriting next application in the console, trying to hack to the main system. The whole thing was guarded too much not to be fishy at some point. Usual maintenance didn’t require such security. She left Octavia alone, hearing the shooting and she tried to focus on her job there. She was hearing the huffs from Shepard’s side, but even though they sounded painful, Griffin knew she was alive. That was giving her energy and motivation to actually go faster and better, because she really wanted to help her companions. And at that moment, even though she wasn’t useless, she was at the same time. _I am the fucking Schrödinger cat, for fuck’s sake._ , she hissed at herself as her fingers started typing even faster.

Shots, the noises everywhere and her, somewhere in between them. Trying to make things right, thinking about why the hell someone just thought about being such a dick and destroy one quarter of galaxy. She couldn’t really understand that, but the other thing was that she didn’t even want to.

Octavia was dealing with mechs just fine, it turned out that actually there were only LOKIs from this side. She just took good cover and her eagle eye, even though not as good as Shepard’s, did its job.

“FUCK!” They heard in their comms from their commander’s side. Octavia was back to Clarke and blonde was trying to maintain the pace of typing, because she couldn’t allow herself the break. The overload was still dangerous, the remains even more, so she needed the protocols to be launched to just erase the danger. And she needed focus for that, but Lexa cursing was one hundred percent something very bad or lethal.

“You’ll manage alone?” Blake asked Clarke and she nodded.

“Don’t you dare leaving her, Blake.” Shepard was barely to be heard. The shots, the clashing, her voice was in pain. Clarke and Octavia glanced at each other and they both nodded. That was the exact moment when they refused to fulfill the indirect order. But it was for better cause.

Blake patted Griffin’s shoulder to encourage her and she just ran towards the relay’s core to run past it and then join the fight by Shepard’s side. Clarke sighed with slight relief and her hands weren’t shaking so much.

“Come ooooon!” she hissed when another app launched and she had to overwrite it too. “How many of this shit can be there?” she was mumbling to herself, not amused, with the melody of death and bullets in her ears, when the storm just stopped. And she stiffed too, when she actually saw something on her screen. “What the fu…?” she started, but she couldn’t finish the sentence. She heard again the mechs. She frowned, because actually she had enough of that shit for one day, but she couldn’t stop doing what she was doing.

“Take care of this one, I will go for the other side!” she heard Shepard’s voice and commander appeared in the blink of an eye in Clarke’s sight. She rolled near her, dodging the bullet and then she opened fire. The mechs started to be just boring, but there was a possibility to reprogram them from the console Griffin was working on. but that was still to much time left to do so.

“How is it going?” Shepard asked at some point and Clarke said that it wasn’t even half of the work. She was typing fast and carefully, going through all firewalls and other shits, but she couldn’t be faster.

“INCOMING!” Octavia shouted, starting shooting. Shepard saw the whole army of mechs. There were around twenty of them. All YMIRs. She knew that she had to act fast. There was no moment for hesitation.

“Blake, back off, we need reinforcements. Griffin is the most important to cover now.” She said and Clarke glanced at her, ceasing to type for a moment.

YMIRs started surrounding them when Octavia was back with next ten of them. The heavy fire they were letting out wasn’t working. But the commander had a plan. She put her weapon near the console.

“What are you doing?” Clarke asked with fear in her voice, but Shepard sighed, shrugging.

“Trust me.” She stated and blonde nodded. She knew that if Lexa managed to crash the panzer oculus, she knew what she was doing. She got back to typing. “Blake, at all cost, guard her. We need to save this relay.”

“Aye, aye, commander.” Blake saluted and Shepard clenched her teeth. Not thinking much, she ran towards the YMIR’s group. Thirty of them and she was the one that caught their attention.

Shepard jumped on one of them and then tried to force them to start shooting each other, but the program that was inside them was too intelligent for something like that. Friendly fire was not in protocols, so that was a problem. Commander rolled out of the group, wondering about the other protocols and when she found herself out of the shooting range that might have harmed any of YMIRs, they started shooting.

 _Fuck._ She thought, but said nothing.

“Commander, are you okay?” she heard Octavia’s voice, but she said only “Don’t move from there. That’s an order.” and blocked the comms from her. She knew that she couldn’t make any mistake, she had to think. Shepard squinted her eyes, looking at the mechs and she took the cover. They were not going to shoot themselves. She had to go with something else.

And she noticed that they started to change direction. That was unacceptable for her. She leaned on the cover and sighed, clenching her teeth. She had to do that.

She opened the small hatch on her wrist and just pushed the button. Her armor lining started to shine with blue and so were YMIRs’ connectors. Shepard jumped over the cover and ran in the middle of the group.

*

Octavia was trying to shoot at least one of those mechs, but their armors were made from something that was making most of the bullets bounce. She just went for making sure that Clarke was okay. Griffin was still typing, finally got into the system and started the launch of security protocols. The launch had the percent bar, as usual, but the time wasn’t their friend. However they had to be there in case if something happened.

They saw Shepard covering, but the only thing that she said after Octavia’s question about her state was not to move from where they were. Shepard added _that’s an order_ and that meant that shit got real. But she knew what she was doing. At least she was always pretending that she knew. Maybe it was better for both of them to actually think that she knew?

“What the fuck is going on?” Octavia asked when she saw the blue light on YMIR’s heads. Then Shepard jumped over her cover and headed into the group that started approaching her, clenching the circle, making the way to escape impossible. “What is she…”

They stiffed for a long moment when they saw what was going on. Mechs made their commander totally vulnerable and she was unarmed. And that situation didn’t seem to be negotiations. But something happened, a small, at first, growing blue bubble was capturing Shepard and the mechs, it was not even five seconds when the biotic dome took over the whole group of thirty mechs and one human.

“SHEPARD!” Clarke was the first one to figure out what the commander was doing.

“Clarke, hang in there.” She heard firm voice. It wasn’t resignated, it wasn’t sad. It was firm and confident, knowing what its owner had to do. And then there was a huge electro cut. All the energy and power, through the floor, went to the dome. The lightnings started to caress the surface, then tried to go outside. Clarke heard deep breaths, then they started to be more and more shallow, there was a groan, then almost a scream.

“COMMANDER!” Clarke wanted to jump there, but Octavia caught her and didn’t allow to approach.

“What is happening?” she asked, trying to figure that out.

“She made a dome and turned on her shields!” Clarke screamed when she heard Lexa’s voice tearing the comms with the scream full of pain. “You… you don’t hear her?”

Octavia didn’t say a word, she just clenched her teeth and slowly shook her head. That wasn’t really the problem at that moment. Their commander was dying under the dome and they had to stay by the console, because they had to launch the relay again in order for it not to fall. Also, they couldn’t do anything, because with Shepard’s biotic power they were pretty much completely fucked up.

“I…” Clarke sniffed when they saw YMIRs falling one after another, totally out of power. When the last one fell, the dome started to go down, smaller and smaller and when it was in size of grenade, carried in Shepard’s almost burned, shaking hands, it exploded with force of a missile.

Octavia and Clarke saw their skipper fly with the impetus of the explosion and hit one of the pillars. Griffin heard loud groan and a crack, and then a loud thud. In the same moment the console announced that the security protocols were successfully launched and the relay was about to be restarted. Blonde didn’t need much of the time, she just rushed towards the commander and Blake ran after her. Clarke heard heavy breathing with whizzes full of pain. She saw Shepard lying under the pillar she hit, trying to get up, but being unable to. Blonde didn’t even think things through. She needed to get to her skipper.

She saw the pillar cracking. It wasn’t big at the beginning, but then it started to grow, so Clarke wanted to rush, she know that there was no time…

“I am… sorry… Clarke.” She heard a weak, whizzing whisper.

“SHEPARD!” She screamed when the pillar crumbled down and Octavia caught her in waist and took care for her not to get harmed. She heard the breath quickening, the little pieces of metal from the pillar hitting Shepard’s helmet, the hissing, the loud thud and then… it all went silent when the pillar hit the ground. There was no white noise, no breathing, there was only silence. “NO!” Clarke cried, reaching her hands towards the place, but Octavia tried to hold her for a moment more. She couldn’t. Griffin broke free and she ran towards Shepard, landing on her knees at the place where her skipper should be.

“Please…” she felt the tears streaming down her face. “Please, no… no…” she tried to toss aside all the pieces she could, but that was pointless. Even though she was still doing that, rumbling around the place, trying to find the right spot.

That couldn’t be true.

“Clarke.” Octavia appeared behind her and tried to make her look at her. Griffin didn’t want to. “Clarke, she couldn’t make it.”

“She is invincible!” Griffin cried. “She… she…”

She started to mess around again, still trying to hang to this naïve hope that her lover was alive. She had to, everyone was always saying that Shepard is unbreakable, that she can stand everything, always like cat, falling on four paws… she had to roll somewhere and now was waiting for their help.

Then she saw it. N7 helmet and something that looked like a gauntlet from the distance. She rushed there, desperately praying for her hopes to be true.

What she saw was even worse in the blackest scenario she could imagine. She went down on her knees, still crying, but at that moment she just felt like her whole world just crumbled.

There was the N7 helmet, and the gauntlet as well. There was more than the gauntlet – the whole arm. The only one part of Shepard’s body that wasn’t smashed under the pillar. Clarke, with her shaking hands, gently took the hand and noticed that it had something inside the fist.

Shepard’s dog tags.

Griffin clenched her fingers on the metal and pulled the helmet close to her chest, silently crying. The emptiness, the void she felt at that moment was more immense than the void of black holes. She tried to move the pieces of pillar, but they were too heavy.

“Clarke." She heard Octavia’s voice.

“She is…” Griffin started, but then she just tore inside. She couldn’t contain the sobbing.

“Even her was not a woman of steel, Clarke.” Blake sighed, hugging Clarke tight. “She was not unbreakable.”

“I…” Griffin returned the hug and her companion rubbed her back comfortingly, feeling the immense loss inside her body. She couldn’t believe. A moment, a decision made to save them, that led to the tragedy. And yet three quarters of galaxy thought Shepard was a bitch. The rest of it didn’t care.

“Come on, we better go back to the Normandy.” Blake sighed, but Clarke seemed not to like the idea of leaving Shepard on that relay. “We need rest. And I guess she would appreciate if we take what we can.”

Griffin only nodded.

***

“People were talking about her different things, mostly the worst ones, just because one moment of her life didn’t go the way it was planned. But she was great captain, friend and… and lover. But it is not about being a marine, being a skipper, commander, SPECTRE or a partner… she was, first of all, great person. A real human, suffering one. She knew words, yet she used very few of them, but they were always on point. She wasn’t open, nor effusive. But she was true. Natural. And she always be remembered as such.”

Clarke clenched her fingers on the N7 helmet when she was finishing the speech. It wasn’t long, it wasn’t special, but it was from the deepest places of her heart. And it was supposed for stay there. Even the recent upgrade on her becoming the skipper of the Normandy was not that great. She knew that if only she could, she would exchange this title for Lexa’s life. But the crew was unanimous: they knew that Shepard would want her to be in charge. So she agreed.

Roan, finally on his feet, approached Clarke and gave her the nameplate. They were all standing before the wall of the dead on Normandy, heads down, mourning. Whatever they can think, Shepard was a damn good skipper. Griffin sighed, gave the helmet to Octavia and she slid her fingers through the name carved on the plate. She tried to contain the tears, but she wasn’t able to do so. The carvings were making a name which owner they all respected and that she loved. She approached the wall and then she stiffed in the middle of the distance. She didn’t want to do that. That was not right. She was supposed to be with them, not dead because of the Council. She deserved better.

Clarke sighed once again and then she placed the nameplate on its new place. Place, that should be unoccupied for a long, long time yet.

 _ADMIRAL L. SHEPARD_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Commander Shepard, signing off.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked that one, you know what to do. If you have something to say - no matter what, good, bad, some advice or you just want to say hello - please, leave comment. I appreciate them the most, because it's a real contact with my readers and I am always so glad that I can answer to them.
> 
> And, of course, thank you for being here. :) Until next time!


End file.
